Showing jokes submitted by Matt Birkenhauer.

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Why Atheists Don't Blow Themselves Up

How often do you see atheists strap themselves to a bomb and then blow themselves and others up? That particular pathology seems to be one of the symptoms of theism, not atheism. Atheists are much too...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 25 November 2015

Attending the Pre-event

On television (from a show on real estate): People attending the pre-event should be prepared to--Aside from the lovely alliteration here, how does one attend a pre-event? Or more to the point, when...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 25 October 2015

Speaking Inartfully

American Political Dictionary: Inartful. This morning on This Week, State of the Nation, and other cable news shows, I heard that Jeb Bush spoke inartfully this week, and that what Kevin McCarthy said...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 04 October 2015

Gotcha Question Defined

From The American Political Dictionary gotcha question /ga-cha kwes-chen/: a question asked by an interviewer of a candidate who has no idea how to answer it, and is offended that someone should have the...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 04 September 2015

Debating Naked, on FOX

I watched the last two minutes of Dating Naked tonight. Never have I laughed so loud and long at earnest, naked people (with their privates blurred out) trying (but failing) to engage in the art of conversation....

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 20 August 2015

The Pledge of Allegiance to the Confederate Flag

To be recited before the sides of barns and bumper stickers adorning pickup trucks all over the South. I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the Confederate States of America, and to the Republic of slave owners,...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 12 July 2015


Today is Election Day. Hi. This is Matt Levin. Im a Christian, a Conservative, Pro-life, and a husband and father of nine children, five of my own and four adopted. Although my wife and I have the wealth...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 20 May 2015

Panic Button

I get a new pair of keys for the car we recently bought. Of course, it has a panic button on it; and, confused, I press it instead of the unlock button and then that loud, annoying honking starts and...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 07 May 2015

Purina Priapic Formula for Older Dogs (Advertisement)

CLOSE-UP of a sleeping dog. Then cut away to a dog in his apartment, with a cute collie named Denise, and Barry Whites Cant Get Enough of Your Love, Bitch playing in the background. Cut to dog sleeping,...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 17 March 2015

That's a good wittle one percent!

Oh, does the poor wittle wealthy not want their taxes waised to help the struggling middle class? Does they not want Obama to do what presidents have done at least since the Eisenhower Adminstwation?...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 20 January 2015

Ah, that's so CUTE!

At dinner tonight, we had a long and heated conversation over the topic of teleology--over whether, in other words, we live in a purposeful universe. When a student of 19 or 20 writes, in a paper about...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 26 November 2014

Two Limericks

As an occasional versifier from Kentucky, Im ashamed of the partial birth limerick that Senator Rand Paul delivered at Saturdays Fancy Farm Picnic. (To Sen. Pauls credit, however, you can tell he didnt...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 07 August 2014

Zealot Repellent

This morning a woman rang our doorbell, offering our family a Bible and clearly wanting to share with me her faith journey, hoping, no doubt, that I would join her. I then explained to her that we already...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 03 August 2014

Second Amendment Rewrite

Since the NRA finds this phrase--being necessary to the security of a free state--so pesky anyway, here is my proposal for rewriting the 2nd Amendment: A well regulated Militia, being necessary...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 30 May 2014

MacDonald's Is Your Kind of Place

(To be sung to that tune so many of us in our 40s and 50s know so well) MacDonalds is your kind of place Its such a happy place (Unless your pay cant keep pace With the cost of living today)....

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 22 May 2014

Pledge of Allegiance Rewrite

Its time to rewrite the Pledge of Allegiance in light of the McCutcheon v. Federal Election Commission Decision. Heres my version, which is both more accurate and will please those cranky atheists like...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 05 April 2014

Pope Francis Endorses Richard Dawkins

My nephew got me Richard Dawkins The God Delusion for Christmas. One blurb in the newer edition, by Pope Francis, reads, This is the best...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 25 December 2013

"Away in a Manger" in the Age of Trump

Away in a manger, no crib for a bed The little Lord Jesus lay down His sweet head. The stars in the bright sky looked down where He lay The...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 06 December 2013

American Psycho

My son talked me into finally seeing American Psycho tonight. He said it was about greed in the 1980s. I thought it was a metaphor for the contemporary...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 28 November 2013

Jingle Bells, Shotgun Shells

On Wayne LaPierres latest salvo against President Obama Jingle...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 31 July 2013

Joyce Kilmer's "Trees," Refined and Improved

Dedicated to David and Charles Koch I hope that I shall never see A closed down oil refinery. A plant whose hungry maws not pressed Against the sweet earths...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 12 July 2013

In Guns We Trust

All Gods Chillun Got Guns (The Marx Brothers) In Guns We Trust I think should be Impressed on all our currency. A salutary message sent From all gun nuts of...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 11 July 2013

The Frazzled Shepherd to His Overworked Nymph

With apologies to Marlowe and Raleigh Come live with me and be my love And well pursue our dual careers. For cars and meals, a roof above Call for two paychecks...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 07 July 2013

Facebook Un-meme ("I Was Raised!")

I was CLONED! I didnt just grow up. I was grown up. I was genetically programmed to speak when I enter a room, say please and thank you, and to have respect for my creators, to get off my cloned ass and let the guy in the white coat have my chair (or kidney or lung or whatever he asked for), say, Yes human or No human, lend a helping hand to those who made...

submitted by Matt Birkenhauer, 05 July 2013
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