Jokes
Showing jokes submitted by nigmuncher.
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Fair exchange
An old lady walks into a hardware store and asks the male assistant if she can purchase a painting hung up on the wall....
Stiff joints
Woke up this morning and my joints were really stiff....
Good advice
When nailing your scrotum to a kitchen table for the purposes of sexual gratification, always ensure that you leave the pliers within arms reach, not in your toolbox in the shed....
Rude Scottish insults
She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorillas back...
Are my testicles black?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give...
A Classical joke
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried, as custom dictates, in a churchyard. A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area...
Rude riddle
There once was a fellow named Dave Who dug up a whore from her grave She was mouldy as shit And missing a tit but think of the money he saved...
Religous mistake
In church this morning, the preacher suggested we should love our neighbour as we love ourselves. So I went round and gave the bloke next door a wank...
Beliefs
My Uncle was jailed for his beliefs.. He believed you could wank on the bus....
Wrong answer
A young couple had just had great sex. When they were finished, she looked in the box of condoms, but there were only six left out of twelve, so she asked him, What happened to the other five condoms?...
Window licker
I need to stop taking road traffic signs so literally, I saw one yesterday that said SLOW FOR 2 MILES I spent the next 2 miles licking my window and waving at complete strangers....
8 tips for girls
8 things girls should say to guys - 1. Im bored, lets shave my pussy. 2. Are you sure youve had enough to drink? 3. That fart was great! do another? 4. Of course i swallow, i love it! 5. No thats ok,...
Whoops! mad cow
A man goes into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. Ill have your biggest, juiciest steak, he says. But sir, what about the mad cow?! asks the waiter....
A Chinese meal
A Chinese couple get married, and shes a virgin. On the wedding night she gets nervously under the sheets while her husband undresses. He climbs into bed next to her, and tries to be reassuring: My darring....
Order in the class!
A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious. Roland the class swat, gets up and says, Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious. Well done, Roland says the teacher. Can anyone else...
Drunk driving
A friend of mine was prosecuted on account of his beliefs. He believed he could drive after nine pints....
Well done
I am in the army and my sergeant said to me, I didnt see you at camouflage training this morning! To which I replied, Oh, thank you very much, sir!...
Second hand goods
A man is teasing his ex-wifes new husband: Hows the second hand fanny? The new husband replys: Its great thanks... after the first three inches its fucking brand new!...
Neighbours from hell?
I arrived home today and the new neighbours had moved in, fucking pakis. I went in and said to the wife. There goes the fucking neighbourhood. She said: Rhanjeed. They are your parents....
Stevie blunder
What goes, Click-click - have I done it yet? Click-click - have I done it yet? Stevie Wonder with a rubiks cube....
Honest mistake
How come when a gang of women go for a night out, they always take pictures of each other on the toilet for a giggle? I once took a picture of a bloke having a shit, thinking he would find it amusing. He didnt,...
Old crap
I was on the toilet once for so long, I finally said to myself, Im getting too old for this shit....
Dressed to thrill
My girlfriend came downstairs in this very sluttish dress the other night and I said, you look like youre about to go to a fucking brothel. She said, well, what if I am? I replied, you can give me a lift....
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