Jokes
Irish Cruise Nightmare
Me and the wife booked a ferry over to Ireland. It was a fucking nightmare....
Bird Brains
Two young blokes who are out the impress their girl friends go into a pet shop and ask if they can buy two budgies. They then take their girl friends for a walk on the cliff. The first lad puts a budgie...
Paying the Bill
A seedy American politician was arguing with his irate wife about the forthcoming Abortion Bill, when he had to decide how to vote. They were shouting at each other for half an hour about it. Eventually...
Greeting the Famous
My wife has been teaching our daughter the etiquette of greeting famous people. She said that when greeting the Queen you should get down on one knee. When greeting President Clinton she should get down...
Rolf Harris
The Oz artist spoke today about chatting with the Queen whose likeness he painted in 2005. She asked me if it was true that I once painted Jerry Hall in the nude over several sittings, the portrait painter...
Moon landing
An astronaut is launched into space and he lands on the Moon. As he descends the craft to start exploring, he is approached by a suited gentleman selling real estate. Ive got just the property for you says the salesman....
Mission to Mars
Dutch organisation Mars One says it will open applications for flights to Mars imminently. It would be a one-way trip, and the company hopes to build a community of settlers on the planet. Feeling a surge of excitement,...
Thatcher wake
Disaster was narrowly averted at Lady Thatchers wake today after thieves stole the caterers van and all its delicious contents. A quick thinking David Cameron immediately took charge of the situation, phoning out for a selection...
Duck hunting
Harry and his mate go duck hunting one winters day. They see a flock of ducks and start aiming their shotguns. Gee these ducks are fast says Harrys mate. I know. May be we should use sling shots replies Harry. Lets...
Boat race wedding
A bridal arch made up of rowers oars caused havoc this weekend at the wedding of an Oxford v Cambridge Boat Race steward. The blushing bride and her retinue of lovely maids-of-honor has just walked through the ceremonial...
More NCIS
An unexplained incident at Norfolk Naval Station sees a marines body brought in for postmortem analysis at Dr Donald Mallards pathology lab. How would you describe the dead marine on Duckys refrigerated marble slab? Special...
I'm not saying the wife annoys me but...
Have you been down in the cellar? asked my wife. Im sure I can hear music. No, I replied. Are you sure you havent left the radio on down there? It sounds like a bit of rap and a lot of soul. No. So whats the noise I can hear?...
Katie P for TJ's!
Katie Price aka Jordan is going to be the new face of T.J. Hughes. Surely theres been a mis-match? A shop like T.J. Hughes would be looking to reflect its own low standards, recruiting someone whos got a reputation for being cheap...
It's a conspiracy
Consider the following: Princess Diana died on the 31 August 1997 having been staying at the Ritz, Paris. Thatcher dies April 8, 2013 having been staying at the Ritz, London. Ive been saying its a conspiracy for years, a lone voice...
Chickens
A tourist is visiting a farm when she sees the farm owners collection of chickens. My, you have such wonderful chickens! she tells the farm owner. Thank you he replies. I love them, I...
The Medical School Exam
When I was young my intent was to go to medical school, but I was confused by the entrance exam. The deciding question was, Re-arrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human...
Ed Balls sauna
The Labour Shadow Chancellor has treated his Treasury team to an all-bells-and-whistles lads day out at a Finnish sauna in a famous London spa. Balls lads sweated it out for half an hour before moving...
Joseph of Arimathea's Tomb
Probably not everyone knows that the cave in which Jesus Christ was entombed was not originally his. It belonged to Joseph of Arimatheaa, a follower of Jesus who gave it over as Christ had no place of...
Monica Lewinsky service wash
Braving some deafening emergency road works outside Georgetowns Out Damned Spot! Chinese laundry the former Clinton intern enters the shop clutching her famous blue party dress and asks for a quickie...
Blind Date Tragedy
I went on this blind date with a girl who slowly began to bore me to death with her tales of her unhappy childhood and the terrible job she was doing. I had this plan with a friend of mine to ring me...
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