Jokes
King Henry VIII
Courtiers tried hard to cheer up their monarch after his second wife Anne Boleyn lost her head in a Traitors Gate cost-cutting exercise....
Rosie O'Donnell
The American stand-up comic, actress, singer and TV personality is having her annual womens works check up at a smart Manhattan gynecology clinic....
Monty Don
The Gardeners World presenter has been criticised for his timid mixed planting schemes that combine boring fruit, such as gooseberries and crab apples, with wallflowers and pansies....
Of Romney-Ryan Land I Speak
(with apologies to e.e. cummings)...
Witch Time?
Once upon a time in England, a very mean witch was terrorizing the local population, who finally went to see a wizard to see what could be done about her. The wizard gave them a potion that would turn...
The New Footballer
The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over. Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Chelsea with only...
Vladimir Putin's divorce
A Russian radio station has hosted a live phone-in about unfaithful politicians in the wake of President Putins recent divorce. One caller, thought to be a Politburo stooge, rang to say theres not a shred...
Chinese President's wife
Peng Liyuan, the sexy former pop singer and wife of Chinas President Xi Jinping, is footloose and fancy free on her first evening at the Sunnydale, California US-China Summit. She gets a call from Bill Clinton...
Michael Douglas
The dual Oscar winner wakes up in hospital after a tricky three hour op. Good news, Michael, his surgeon tells him, we finally got to the bottom of your problem, looks like some kinda nut was stuck deep inside...
Who, indeed?
I heard this from a friend of mine who is a rodeo hand and roustabout in Cheyenne,Wyoming. He said he was sitting at the bar one night, having a beer when a man walked into the crowded bar, waved a six-shooter...
How to annoy your father
Dad: Can you get me a drink? Son: Coke or Pepsi? Dad: Coke Son: Diet or Normal? Dad: Normal Son: Can or Bottle? Dad: Can Son: A litre or half a litre? Dad: Just get me some water Son: Carbonated or still? Dad: Still...
Religious Upbringing
Two young priests are discussing marriage and one says to the other: I believe in the sanctity of marriage so I never slept with my wife until I got married. How about you? The second priest scratched his head. Then...
Angela Merkel/2
Chancellor Merkel was rushed to the Emergency Room today amid reports shed been bitten on the bum by a crazed German Shepherd. Doctors gave her a tetanus booster shot but no anti-rabies vaccine as aides claimed shes always...
The Premature Death
Showing his friend around his home, Walt pointed out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage. The day before I die, Id like to sell every piece weve got...
Lou Reed
Some scribbled lyrics found in Andy Warhols Factory toilet are going under the hammer in NYC next week. The early drafts of Velvet Underground songs are from the lost fourth album, held back from release...
Generous Banker
A person trying to raise money to help the local community approached a Banker. Could you help us to assist unfortunate people who have fallen on hard times in this community? You may not realise that my mother...
Texting Class
There was a group of women at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, How many of you love your husbands? All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked,...
NASA cocktail bar
A fight broke out at an upmarket cocktail bar on the Dark Side of the Moon tonight after some alien VIPs complained the decor, lighting and general ambience was crap. NASA mixologists had to duck and dive as the spat...
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