A collection of some of my favorites over the years. Enjoy!
A piece of string walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve your kind here." The piece of string leaves the bar, ties himself into a loop, frazzles himself at the ends, and returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Hey! Aren't you the same piece of string that was in here just a minute ago?" The string replies, "No, sir, I am a frayed knot!"
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Celine Dion walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
This really drunk guy walks into a bar and goes up to a blonde. He says, "Hey! You wanna hear a blonde joke?" She replies, "Well, sure, but first you should know, I'm the arm wrestling champion of this bar. My blonde friend over there by the jukebox has a black belt in karate, and the other blonde she's talking to is a world class kickboxer." She motioned to them, and they began to approach. "So, you still wanna tell that blonde joke, Mister?" To which the man replies, "Well, hell no! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times!!"
A giraffe walks into a bar and orders a Manhattan, and the bartender says, "That's a tall order!"
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!!"
A miniature pony walks into a bar and orders a short draft. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, what was that? I couldn't hear you." To which the pony replies, "Sorry, I guess I'm still a little hoarse!"
An guy with amnesia walks into a bar, approaches a woman at the bar and says, "So, do I come here often?"
A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "You can come in here, but you'd better not start anything!"
A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a martinus." The bartender asks, "Don't you mean 'martini?'" The man says, "Pardon me, but if I wanted two or more drinks, I would have asked for them!"
A rhinoceros walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender pours it and says, "That'll be $10. You know, it's been a long time since we've had a rhinoceros in here." The rhino replies, "At $10 a beer, I can see why!"
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and says, "A beer for me, and three for my friend." They drink until the giraffe passes out on the floor. The man gets up and pays the tab, and the bartender says, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lyin' on the floor, are you?" and the man says, "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe!"
René Descartes is in a bar at last call. The bartender asks him if he'd like another drink. Descartes says, "I think not," and disappears.
A baby seal walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The baby seal replies, "Anything but a Canadian Club!!"
A grasshopper hops into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey! You're a celebrity! We've got a drink named after you." The grasshopper replies, "You've got a drink named Jeff?"
A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve food here."
A skeleton walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The skeleton says, "Give me a beer, and a mop!"
A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.
A penguin walks into a bar. His drinking problem has begun to affect his work and his relationships.