I made a bad mistake on my accusing my significant other...and she's a solid 200 pounds...of being older than me, although she is.
"Moleturd, I guess you think I'm so old I might die at any time so I decided to take one of them new mud baths down at the beauty parlor."
"Myrtle, why do women think that putting mud on their face or chicken poop makes them younger. What if I come home with a pile of cow shit on my head to grow hair?"
"You HAVE come home with cow shit on your head! Drunk!
"It was a bet!"
'Well, I'm having a $75 mud bath head to toe, and that's it."
"Seventy-Five Dollars? Well, since you're so old you may die soon, I guess you may as well get used to lying in the dirt of the ground."
So, can anyone out there tell me what's best for two black eyes, a loose ear and a badly bruised scrotum?