No, it wasn't from being bitten by a vampire or werewolf or even Crazy Aunt Esther.
There were these pills they advertised on late night television that Guaranteed Double Refund if they didn't make you slimmer!
By the way, that guy who bit me just thought he was a vampire. So I got well just as soon as I heard that.
Back to the pills. I weigh over 300 pounds so I needed something before I had a heart attack or something. I took them for 30 days and I'm a lot slimmer.
Oh, I still weigh 300 pounds but I'm now a nine-foot tall freak.
That vampire thing was nothing compared to this.
-I.B. Longest Moleturd in History