One of the Papal contenders has described how as a perverted young sinner living in the cannibal-infested Amazon jungle he unexpectedly got The Calling.
'I was a flesh-eating monster preying on a nun,' the Cardinal recalled, 'determined to bite her on the back of the neck.
'Suddenly, out of nowhere, I head The Lord calling, telling me he had a cure for my disgusting sicko self.
'He said I must abandon the sins of the flesh and do a lifetime of penance by becoming a priest.'
Sure enough within a few hours the young man got a miraculous taste for religion...
'Nowadays I always eat in the missionary position,' he said.