1) Driving along...
A chap was driving along a narrow bendy country lane.
As they drew level with each other, the window of a car coming in the opposite direction was wound down, and the woman driver shouted "Pig" at the man.
The man responds shouting back out of his window: "Bitch!"
He mutters to himself as he drives round the bend - and crashed into a pig in the middle of the road!
2) The New Secretary...
Mr Utterswaithe employed a new secretary.
She was nubile, young, and very polite.
When taking dictation, she noticed that his flies were undone.
When leaving the room she said: "Mr Utterswaithe, your barracks door is open."
He did not understand what she meant at first, but soon noticed his zipper was down.
He decided to have some fun and tease the new girl. He called her into his office and asked her: "By the way, when you saw my barrack room open this morning, did you happen to notice a soldier standing to attention?
She broke into a gentle smile and answered: "Why no Mr Utterswaithe, all I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle-bags!"
3) The Old Lady called the Police...
An elderly lady called 999 on her mobile phone to report that her car had been broken into.
She was hysterical as she explained her circumstances to the operator: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the braked pedal, clutch and accelerator too!" she cried.
The operator told her to stay calm and that help as on the way to her.
A few minutes later, the officer in attendance radio's in to the operator: "Disregard" he said. "She's got in the back seat by mistake!"