1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
Doc, I think I'm going mad.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 pounds that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No thanks, the steaks are too high for me."
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him under..
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
" Hmmm, That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's fu*king heavy"
13. Guy goes into the doc's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"Don't you start."
14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, The sun's shining, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine'.
So that was nice."