Hello, my name's George, and I'm a ticket collector on the high speed service between London and Manchester.
I've got to tell you this...
The other day, on a packed Euston to Manchester service, I was inspecting tickets, and as I passed one of the toilet cubicles, I noticed that it was engaged.
I rapped on the door - "Tickets please!"
Fare dodgers often hide in the toilets, and I wasn't letting this bugger get away with it.
"Won't be a minute!" came a man's voice from within the cubicle.
"Aye-aye," I thought. Penalty fare pending.
Then all of a sudden, somebody pulled the emergency stop cord.
Fuckin' chaos it was. 125mph to a standstill in about ten seconds flat. You could hear the wheels screeching against the rails. See the sparks flying by the windows...
People were hurled from their seats. Food and drink sloshed everywhere, and it was just dead embarrassing for a couple of breastfeeding mums.
I was furious me.
I ran to the suspected fare dodger in the toilet, banged on the door, and demanded that he come out! Immediately!
The lock on the door simply clicked, and the door opened.
To reveal a middle aged fat bloke, pale of face and soaked in perspiration, still squatting on the pot with his trousers round his ankles.
"Did you just pull the emergency stop cord?!" I said.
Quite vexed I was, actually.
"Yes..." he admitted.
"What the fuck for?!"
"I've got piles!"
"I've got fucking piles too, but I haven't stopped the fucking train!"
"Ah," he groaned. "But yours weren't tangled up in the axle..."
I had to give him that. It must have been painful.