The Are You are Ready to take the 'Kids Yet Self-Test'

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Tuesday, 3 July 2012

The Mess Test:
Smear jam, lemon curd and sick on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

The Toy Test:
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.
Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

The Grocery Store Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

The Dressing Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live slimy baby octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

The Feeding Test:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an aeroplane.
Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

The Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful.

The Ingenuity Test:
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator.
Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil.
Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

The Vehicle Test:
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon/Estate.
Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a penny. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
There, perfect!

The Physical Test (Women):
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months.
Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while!

The Physical Test (Men):
Go to the nearest drug store.
Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself.
Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your pay-cheque to be directly deposited to the store.
Purchase a newspaper.
Go home and read it quietly for the last time!

The Final Assignment:
Find a couple who already have a small child.
Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners.
Suggest many ways they can improve.
Emphasise to them that they should never allow their children to run wild.
Enjoy this experience.
It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

The Music Test:
On your expensive CD player and awesome speakers, play Britney Spears and Steps over and over again, very loud.
Dance to it while looking happy.
Take a good long look at your CD collection. You won't be hearing them for a long, long time.
In the car, play Postman Pat and Silly Songs Collection (for 3 - 6 year old's, Early Learning Centre) tapes for four hours while driving down the M5.
Whatever you do don't play what You want.
Sing along to the music in a traffic jam.
When relaxing and playing your own CDs (rare), suddenly put on a cheapo cassette player in the room playing Aqua's Barbie Girl.
Turn off your CD and walk out of the room.
Move on to Mess Test 2.

The Mess Test 2:
After spending two hours cleaning the house, put rags and old shoes in the hallway by the front door.
Leave pieces of cloth on the stairs in a pleasing random fashion.
Pick them all up and put them in a wooden box.
Do the same thing everyday for ten years.

The Book test:
Spend at least fifty pounds on expensive picture books.
Draw in them in indelible pen and leave them in the garden.
Make sure it's raining.
Smile and tut affectionately to your self.

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