The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.
Although they do make me look a poofta!
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a toss.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year.
You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether!"
Just been to the gym.
They've got a new machine in.
Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick.
It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot!
Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding.
Prince Charles says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going!
I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show.
Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme's called Fact Hunt.
The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
Paddy bursts into the Benefits office.
I've been ringing 08001730 for 2 bloody days. Why don't you answer the bloody phone.
Girl replies, those are our opening times you daft rhubarb!
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke up this morning with a huge correction!
Some buggers just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line.
She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back!