Liverpool. The only city in the world where JD Sports has an evening-wear department.
I won the Lottery last night.
I haven't told the wife yet, cos I can't use my phone on the plane.
This morning the maths teacher singled our son Harry out to ask him, "If you have £200, and you give £60 to Mary, £60 to Sally and £60 to Susan, what would you have?"
Turned out that "an orgy", wasn't the correct answer.
My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really...
She was attacked by a giant crab.
I was driving through a village today and saw a sign which read 'Max Speed 20'.
I thought, happy birthday, Max. Have a great day.
My wife lost her virginity when she was 17.....................
Luckily, she found it again after we got married.
I went to the toilet in Wales and on one cubicle door there was a sign. It said 'Allan o drefn', but hadn't been translated into English.
I thought 'That's out of order.'
America: The only place in the world that would name a sport that is played almost exclusively with the hands and using an oval shaped object, "Football".
I was driving home from work yesterday, when I hit a school kid.
I was in such a panic to drive off that I forgot who I was texting.
BBC News Headlines read, "Cheques to be phased out by 2018."......................Bloody hell, not again.
Hitler tried that in 1939.
Today during dinner my son had hardly touched his plate and the wife said, "Think of the poor children in Africa, Kyle"
He said back to her, "Do they have to eat this shite too?"
High fiving didn't impress her too much either.
The first present I opened this Christmas was a pen knife. I was so excited, I used it to cut open all my other presents.
Shame about the puppy.