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Wednesday, 25 April 2012

Bullshitter (3 month contract)
Bullshitter required. You will have at least three years experience of doing jobs for which you have no skill or aptitude, ideally in a Unix environment. Skills to include bullshit, ideally to politician level, and waffle in a technical capacity. Arse-covering skills will be an advantage. CBE (Certified Bullshit Engineer) qualification essential.

Liar (6 month contract)
You will be working for a prestigious, high-profile company. You must be able to claim a degree with first-class honours, preferably from Oxford or Cambridge, and own a car which (although impressive) does not actually exist. You will also be required to make up stories or explanations on the hop, so experience of police work will be considered favourably.
Ties and/or certificates are provided to add convincing "colour" to the successful applicant's statements.

Unix Guru (Rolling one month requirement)
Candidates must have at least three of the following qualities: (1) a stupid and unusual hairstyle with goatie beard (2) fashion taste which stopped somewhere in the mid-60's, (3) a lifestyle quite unlike anyone else, or (4) a habit of wearing sandals with or without socks. The ideal applicant will also have a Californian accent. Unix experience not essential, but some keyboard skills may be useful.

Inexperienced timewaster wanted - urgent contract.
Candidates (under 21 years of age) must be able to fill out at least six pages of a C.V. with claims of experience and knowledge totalling a minimum of 150 years. In addition, they must also be able to claim involvement with hobbies which nobody in their right mind could possibly fit into a lifestyle which included, for example, sleeping or eating. The successful applicant will have no real skills in any category whatsoever, but candidates will be considered providing they do not know anything about C++ programming or Project Management.

Destruct testers required. (3 month contract, extendable to 6 months)
Clumsy, careless oafs of a naturally foolish nature must demonstrate their ineptitude with several, briefly-held, positions. The successful candidate will be asked to break something during the interview, preferably in a way which the interviewer will never have thought possible or remotely likely.

E-commerce consultants. (3 hours, extendable to 12 years)
Experience in e-commerce not required. The successful applicant will have no experience of any of the following: commerce, computers, the internet, good taste. A lack of design skills and a fixation with style over content will also be important. You should have current experience in gross over-charging and hoodwinking scrupulous clients. You will work with a bunch of other opinionated irritating w*nkers, constructing a series of web-pages with as many 'broken links' and loose ends as time and money allow.

Scapegoats. (One month contract with bonus on completion.)
Conscientious and hardworking individual. Experienced in customer support and maintenance, you will have several demonstrable skills which can be used to show why the interviewers were right to employ you, coupled with a complete lack of awareness regarding arse-covering.
You will work with a close-knit team of temporary contractors and will travel from project to project tasked with the job of tidying up the loose ends to ensure customer acceptance and satisfaction.

Timewasters, timewasters, timewasters.
Six timewasters are required for an urgent contract in the Far-East of Scotland, to start immediately. Skills must include six months coffee machine, three months photocopying and general administration and a minimum of one year "between assignments".

Unskilled slapheads required for six month contract.
Must have own suit (preferably brown). Own desk, and hatstand is provided for suitable applicants. Lazy good-for-nothing with multiple chronic illnesses sought to assist busy, interfering manager. Must be idle and shiftless. A bad memory and/or dyslexia will be advantageous.

Noxious beancounter required.
Must interfere constantly and construct meaningless lists of serial numbers and other pointless documentation. Numeracy/Literacy not a requirement, but an interest in trainspotting is essential.

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