Hearts of Midlothian
Q: Why do Hearts fans plant potatoes round the edge of Tynecastle?
A: So they have Something to lift at the end of the season.
Apparently, Blackburn football club is under investigation by the Inland Revenue for tax evasion.
They've been claiming for Silver Polish for the past 30 years.
A Nottingham Forest and a Derby Fan
A Nottingham Forest and a Derby County fan are strolling along Mansfield Road, Street, and suddenly the Nottingham Forest supporter says "Woooh! would ya look at that dead bird!".
The Derby County fan looks skywards and says "huh, Where?"
Q. What's the difference between a Celtic fan and a coconut?
A. You can get a drink out of a coconut!
Celtic Fan and the priest
A white van driver used to keep himself amused by scaring witless every Glasgow Rangers fan he saw sauntering down High common road in his blue and white uniform.
He would swerve as if to hit them, and at the last minute, swerve back onto the road.
One day as he was driving along the road, he saw a priest hitch-hiking. He thought he would do his good deed for the day and offer the priest a lift.
"Where are you off tae, Father?" he asked.
"I'm going to give Mass at St Michaels's church - it's aboot 2 miles down the road,".
"Nae worries," said the driver, "Hop in and I'll gee ya a lift."
The happy priest climbed into the van and they set off down the road.
Suddenly the driver caught site of a Hun on the pavement, and instinctively swerved as if to hit him, but just in time, remembering the priest in his van, swerved back to the road again, narrowly missing the idiot.
Although he was certain that he didn't hit him, however, he still heard a loud "Thud".
Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors, and, seeing nothing, said to the priest, "Oh sorry Father, I nearly hit that Rangers Fan walking down the road there."
"No need to apologise Sonny," replied Father, "I got the bastard with the door!"
The Wife's Annoying Habits during watching footy on TV
1) Taking the batteries out of all of the remote controls
2) Showing a sudden interest in every aspect of the game, especially asking you to define the offside law, many times
3) Telling you that there is no beer in the house.
American sees his first English Football match
An American visitor to England watched his very first football match and was struck by the differences between English and American football.
After the match he fell into conversation with one of the English players and remarked, 'You know, over in the States, our players wear thick protective clothing. You guys must be frozen stiff in those light clothes.'
'It's not so bad,' said the Englishman. 'Sometimes the ground is covered in snow.'
'You don't say!' exclaimed the American. 'What do you do about the balls? Paint them red?'
'Oh, no,' said the player. 'We just wear an extra pair of shorts.'