abdication - Giving up on stomach exercises.
adult - A person who has stopped growing up and starts growing out.
anarchy - Exception to the rule.
ashtray - Pig Latin for a piece of trash.
atheist - A believer in non-belief.
autopsy - A dying practice.
bachelor - A guy who never finds out how many faults he has.
bankers - The rooters of all evil.
bargain - Something that makes you think you're saving money when you're spending it.
bore - Someopne who, when you ask how he is, tells you.
bureaucracy - Capital punishment.
cannibal - Someone who is fed up with people.
card - Someone in a play suit.
chef - A cook with a large hat and a head to fill it.
chicken - Animal you can eat before they are born and after they are dead.
church - Where the world is seen through stained-glass.
committee - A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
consciousness - That nightmare between sleeps.
custody - The last battle in a marriage.
cynics - Ignorant people who are ruining the county.
death - The only escape from taxes.
deceiver - Member of Parliament
dictionary - The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
dignify - A way to make the hole you're in look good.
diplomat - A person who tells you to get lost and you can't wait to get started.
dust - Mud with the juice squeezed out.
esoteric - A word known only by esoteric people.
expression - Non-stop talking.
fiddler - MP, particularly fiddling of expenses
finance - The artful application of arithmetic.
flabbergasted - Reaction to seeing oneself naked in a mirror.
flashlight - A case for holding dead batteries.
fortune teller - A bank employee who only deal with large accounts.
fraudster - Politician
gossip - An independent news source.
government - A untrustworthy necessity we could do without.
hanging - A suspended sentence.
hangover - The wrath of grapes.
headache - A cheap and effective contraceptive.
heirloom - A dead giveaway.
honeymoon - Start of the end
hunch - A gut feeling you get during lunch.
hypochondriac - Someone who won't let well enough alone.
inertia - Resisting arrest.
jury - A panel of twelve untrained in law who are asked their legal opinion.
kernel - A unit of corny.
lawyer - Deceiver, as in "lawyer, lawyer, pants on foyer."
life - A sexually transmitted terminal disease.
lightheaded - Halo effect.
locomotive - Insanity plea.
lottery - A tax on people who are lousy at maths.
lymph - To walk with a lisp.
manicurist - Someone who makes money hand over fist.
mosquito - An insect that makes flies tolerable.
normal - 8 on a scale of 1 to 10.
optimist - A person who smells smoke and gets out the marshmallows.
pessimist - Someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
petroleum - Floor covering for dog and cat owners.
politician - One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence afterwards.
politics - Where truth lies.
politician - Nepotistic crook.
predestination - Doomed from the start.
relentless - Not allowing someone to borrow something a second time.
religion - Where you find prophets and non-profits.
secret - News you tell to one person at a time.
Semite - Big-truck driver.
shin - What you use to find furniture in the dark.
sleep - That fleeting moment that ends alarmingly.
slumber - Salvaged wood from condemned house.
stick - A boomerang that doesn't come back.
statistics - Where the truth lies.
suburbia - Where they cut down trees and put in streets named after them.
Suicide - Lib-Dem's joining the Tories in the Coalition Government
Suicidal - Lib-Dem's joining the Tories in the Coalition Government
teenager - One whose hang-ups do not include clothes.
tomorrow - A great labor saving device of today.
tornado - An ending with a twist.
truth - Something that doesn't lie in the open.
volunteer - Take on work that makes no cents.
wealth - Envied ownership.
yawn - An honest opinion openly expressed.