Alternative Dictionary

Submitted by Inchcock

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Sunday, 23 October 2011

abdication - Giving up on stomach exercises.

adult - A person who has stopped growing up and starts growing out.

anarchy - Exception to the rule.

ashtray - Pig Latin for a piece of trash.

atheist - A believer in non-belief.

autopsy - A dying practice.

bachelor - A guy who never finds out how many faults he has.

bankers - The rooters of all evil.

bargain - Something that makes you think you're saving money when you're spending it.

bore - Someopne who, when you ask how he is, tells you.

bureaucracy - Capital punishment.

cannibal - Someone who is fed up with people.

card - Someone in a play suit.

chef - A cook with a large hat and a head to fill it.

chicken - Animal you can eat before they are born and after they are dead.

church - Where the world is seen through stained-glass.

committee - A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

consciousness - That nightmare between sleeps.

custody - The last battle in a marriage.

cynics - Ignorant people who are ruining the county.

death - The only escape from taxes.

deceiver - Member of Parliament

dictionary - The only place where divorce comes before marriage.

dignify - A way to make the hole you're in look good.

diplomat - A person who tells you to get lost and you can't wait to get started.

dust - Mud with the juice squeezed out.

esoteric - A word known only by esoteric people.

expression - Non-stop talking.

fiddler - MP, particularly fiddling of expenses

finance - The artful application of arithmetic.

flabbergasted - Reaction to seeing oneself naked in a mirror.

flashlight - A case for holding dead batteries.

fortune teller - A bank employee who only deal with large accounts.

fraudster - Politician

gossip - An independent news source.

government - A untrustworthy necessity we could do without.

hanging - A suspended sentence.

hangover - The wrath of grapes.

headache - A cheap and effective contraceptive.

heirloom - A dead giveaway.

honeymoon - Start of the end

hunch - A gut feeling you get during lunch.

hypochondriac - Someone who won't let well enough alone.

inertia - Resisting arrest.

jury - A panel of twelve untrained in law who are asked their legal opinion.

kernel - A unit of corny.

lawyer - Deceiver, as in "lawyer, lawyer, pants on foyer."

life - A sexually transmitted terminal disease.

lightheaded - Halo effect.

locomotive - Insanity plea.

lottery - A tax on people who are lousy at maths.

lymph - To walk with a lisp.

manicurist - Someone who makes money hand over fist.

mosquito - An insect that makes flies tolerable.

normal - 8 on a scale of 1 to 10.

optimist - A person who smells smoke and gets out the marshmallows.

pessimist - Someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

petroleum - Floor covering for dog and cat owners.

politician - One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence afterwards.

politics - Where truth lies.

politician - Nepotistic crook.

predestination - Doomed from the start.

relentless - Not allowing someone to borrow something a second time.

religion - Where you find prophets and non-profits.

secret - News you tell to one person at a time.

Semite - Big-truck driver.

shin - What you use to find furniture in the dark.

sleep - That fleeting moment that ends alarmingly.

slumber - Salvaged wood from condemned house.

stick - A boomerang that doesn't come back.

statistics - Where the truth lies.

suburbia - Where they cut down trees and put in streets named after them.

Suicide - Lib-Dem's joining the Tories in the Coalition Government

Suicidal - Lib-Dem's joining the Tories in the Coalition Government

teenager - One whose hang-ups do not include clothes.

tomorrow - A great labor saving device of today.

tornado - An ending with a twist.

truth - Something that doesn't lie in the open.

volunteer - Take on work that makes no cents.

wealth - Envied ownership.

yawn - An honest opinion openly expressed.

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