1) What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?
2) What do you call a fish with no eyes?
3) I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.
4) I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.
5) I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me up the wrong way
6) I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.
7) I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I got some reservations.
8) What musical is about a train conductor?
"My Fare, Lady"
9) What do you call a baby monkey?
'A chimp off the old block!'
10) What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby?
'Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!'
11) A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
12) Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
13) This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."
14) What is the difference between a frog and a cat?
'A frog croaks all the time, a cat only nine times!'
15) There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.
16) My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
17) They arrested a man for passing himself off as the comedian named Seinfeld....the charge was playjerism.
18) Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
19) Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"
20) A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."
21) Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder & got a little behind in his work?
22) This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman. She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her, "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy!"
23) They arrested the bartender for taking liquor home. I believe the official charge was "emboozlement."
24) They arrested the former chewing gum manufacturer for unlicensed ex-spearmints.
25) Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs?
'Because she mislaid them!'
26) Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
27) They arrested a woman for causing an accident while on her cellphone....she was charged with driving while intalksicated.
28) What do you get if you cross a bullet and a tree with no leaves? A cartridge in a bare tree.
29) What is the difference between an ornithologist and a stutterer?
'One is a bird watcher, and the other is a word botcher!'
30) You know your getting old when you wake up with that morning-after
feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before!
31) Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted!
32) What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?