1) A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
2) A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
3) A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw
4) A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
5) A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
6) A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
7) A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
8) Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
9) Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
10) As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
11) Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
P. J. O'Rourke
12) California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
13) Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
14) Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
15) Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
16) Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
17) Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
18) Get your facts right first, then you can distort them as you please.
19) Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
20) Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
21) Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
Marilyn vos Savant
22) He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
23) Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
24) How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
25) I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realise I should have been more specific.
26) I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
27) I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.
28) I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields
29) I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis
30) I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
31) I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
32) I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
33) I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz
34) I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
35) I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
36) I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields
37) I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
38) I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
39) I think serial monogamy says it all.
40) I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
41) I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
42) I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
43) I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
44) I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
45) I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
46) It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
47) It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
H. L. Mencken
48) Money won't buy happiness - so Haliburton executives must be the unhappiest in the world!
49) One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
50) Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the universe.