Nobody wants David Cameron and Nick Clegg to run the country. If we wanted a coalition of millionaires wanting to fuck us all we'd have voted for Michael Barrymore and Gary Glitter, with the Shoe Rapist as Chancellor.
I quite liked Gordon Brown. How many world leaders do you know that look like a partially shaved Chewbacca who'd got shampoo in their eyes.
People worry about teenage pregnancy but they should all calm down because if the age for pregnancy continues to drop like it has over the last century, in 100 years' time girls is going to be born, on benefits, in a council house with two kids in a double buggy and pregnant with the third.
People say young children are been treated like mini-adults too much. This is totally wrong I mean there children not midgets.
If children are been forced to grow up too quickly then Mothercare will have to expand into selling miniature Alcost tracksuits and bright white reebok classics.
My parents used to lie to me all the time. Like when they told me that when an ice-cream man plays his jingle it means he has run out of ice cream. I only realised this was a lie last week when I was following an ice-cream van to find out where all the good spots are.
I think I'm schizophrenic because I hear the voice of Michael Jackson in my head. Although it could just be a flashback to when I did work experience at the Never land ranch
People used to think that Ayatollah Khomeini was someone to be feared, but in reality he was a big softie and Iranian parents would tell their children that the Ayatollah would come down the chimney on Christmas Eve carrying a bag of plutonium and riding away on radioactive, glow-in-the-dark reindeer.
People were terrified of Osama Bin Laden but really he only came into prominence when we got rid of John Major. That's one hell of a midlife crisis.
When Raoul Moat was on the run and the police tracked him down they tried to put a trained hostage negotiator to talk to him without him killing himself. So now we know why Gazza turned up.
When Raoul Moat began that stand-off Gazza turned up he'd just heard that they were after 'Crazed gunman Raoul Moat loose in Yorkshire' and in his own pissed head thought they'd said 'Six pints of lager and a crate of white spirits go to Yorkshire'.
I don't know why Gazza turned up at the Raoul Moat stand-off. Doesn't he know he's shit in a shoot-out.
Manchester City just put a £45 million bid in for Raoul Moat. They've never heard of him but know a lot of people are chasing him.
I hate the BNP. I think it's terrible that all these white power groups say that whites are better than blacks. They're wrong. Blacks can run faster, swim for longer and dodge bullets and lynch mobs better than any white man can.
Have you seen Peter Mandelson recently? I think that in his case MP stands for Mucky Pervert.
Sarah Ferguson is planning her funeral. On the headstone it's simply going to say 'Fuck'.
When Wayne Rooney steps out of line at Man U, all Ferguson has to do is clap and Rooney rolls on his back and expects a 60-year old whore to tickle his belly and fat bald head.
Have you seen Katie Price's new TV show. If I wanted to watch an old slapper covered in fake tan scream constantly at me, I'd open the basement door in a while.
What happens if I put a monkey in a food blender? I ejaculate.