An Aberdonian was ill with scarlet fever.
"Send for my creditors," he said, "I can give them something at last."
Angus went into a shop to buy a pocket knife.
"Here's the very thing," said the shopkeeper, "four blades and a corkscrew."
"Tell me," said Jock, "you haven't one with four corkscrews and a blade, have you?"
It was cold on the upper deck and. the captain was concerned for the comfort of his passengers.
He called down: "Is there a mackintosh down there big enough to keep two young lassies warm?"
After a while the reply came: "No, skipper, but there's a MacPherson here willing to try!"
A woman and a man from Aberdeen were stranded on a desert island after a shipwreck.
Their clothes were in rags and their food running out.
"I suppose it could always be worse." said the woman.
"Oh, aye, it could," agreed the Aberdonian. "I might have bought a return ticket."
An Englishman, lecturing on his travels, was speaking disparagingly about the Scots in Canada and the mixing of the race with the Indians.
"You'll find," he said, "a great number of Scots half-breeds and French half-breeds, but you cannot find any English half-breeds."
"Not surprisingly," shouted a Scot in the audience. "The squaws had to draw the line somewhere!"
Maître d'hôtel: 'Are you here for a special occasion?'
Campbell: 'Aye, we won the third prize in the annual Robert Burns Contest, a haggis dinner for two.'
Maître d'hôtel: 'What were the other prizes?'
Campbell: The second prize was a single haggis dinner, and, if you won the first prize, you didnae have to eat the haggis.'
'It was like this,' said Donald. 'I was teaching the wife to drive, and the brakes failed when we came down the hill.'
'What did you tell her?'
'Try and hit something cheap!'