Selection of Scottish Jokes (Part 7)

Submitted by Inchcock
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Sunday, 31 July 2011

The Scots have the [unjustified] reputation of being stingy.

But what they do have is the ability to laugh at themselves.

Here are a few examples:

1)
A Scotsman walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase we scotsmen normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping.

He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door."

He was planning to have a little fun with her.

When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a Scottish soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags!!!

2)
An armed, hooded, robber burst into the Bank of Scotland in Princes Street, Edinburgh, and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Scottish customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shot the Scotsman without hesitation! He then looked around the bank to see if anyone else had seen him.

One of the tellers looked straight at him and the robber walked over
and calmly shot him also.

Everyone by now was very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Did anyone else see my face?" asked the robber.

There were a few moments of silence, then one elderly Scottish lady, looking down, tentatively raised her hand and said: "I think my husband might have just caught a glimpse .…."

3)
Scottish Epitaph
Dry up your tears and weep no more,
I am not dead but gone before,
Remember me, and bear in mind,
You have not long to stay behind.

4)
Tourist: " I'm sorry, waiter, but I only have enough money for the bill. I have nothing left for a tip."

Highland Waiter: " Let me add up that bill again sir."

5)
A Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, which can play any musical instrument in the world.

Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he'll wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus.

Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. The guitar man pays up his £50.

Another guy comes up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis.

This guy pays his £50.

Then a Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.

"Ha," the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?"

The Octopus looks at him and says: "Play it? I'm going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get these pyjamas off..."

6)
Did ye hear about the Scotsman who married a girl born on February the 29th so he'd only have to buy her a birthday present every four years?

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