Selection of Scottish Jokes (Part 6)

Submitted by Inchcock

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Sunday, 31 July 2011

The Scots have the [unjustified] reputation of being stingy.

But what they do have is the ability to laugh at themselves.

Here are a few examples:

Said the Englishman to the boastful Scot: 'Take away your mountains, glens and lochs, and what have you got?'

'England,' replied the Scot.

Why are they putting Englishmen at the bottom of the ocean?

They found out that deep down, they're really not so bad.

Angus and friend who bet a pound on who could stay under water the longest.

They' both drowned.

Old Sandy was dying. Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked: 'Anything I can get you, Sandy?'

No reply.

'Have ye no' a last wish, Sandy?'

Faintly, came the answer. . . 'a wee bit of yon boiled ham.'

'Wheesht, man,' said Maggie, 'ye ken fine that's for the funeral.'

Q: How did the Grand Canyon come about?

A: A Scotsman lost a sixpence.

The Kirkcaldy undertaker sent a telegram to the bereaved man, telling him his mother-in-law had died and asking whether he wanted her embalmed, cremated, or buried.
Back came the reply: 'All three - tak' nae chances.'

The following was seen on a poster in Argyll: DRINK IS YOUR ENEMY.

Adjacent to this was a hand written poster which said: LOVE YOUR ENEMY.

Did you hear about the last wish of the henpecked husband of a house-proud Edinburgh wife? - He asked to have his ashes scattered on the carpet.

It was a terrible winter - three months of unbroken blizzards.

McTavish hadn't been seen in the village for weeks, so a Red Cross rescue team struggled to his remote croft at the head of the glen.

It was completely buried - only the chimney was showing.

'McTavish,' they shouted down the chimney. 'Are you there?'

'Wha's that?' came the answer.

'It's the Red Cross,' they called.

'Go away,' shouted McTavish. 'I bought a flag last year!'

Then there was the Inverness man who bought his mother-in-law a chair but had to send it back.

He had nowhere to plug it in.

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