Selection of Scottish Jokes (Part 5)

Submitted by Inchcock

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Sunday, 31 July 2011

The Scots have the [unjustified] reputation of being stingy.

But what they do have is the ability to laugh at themselves.

Here are a few examples:

"I hear Maggie and yourself settled your difficulties and decided to get married after all," Jock said to Sandy.

"That's right," said Sandy, "Maggie's put on so much weight that we couldn't get the engagement ring off her finger."

Q: Have you heard about the lecherous Jock who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings?

A: He sold her four of them.

A Scotsman took a girl for a ride in a taxi.

She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter

A Scottish newspaper ad "Lost - a £5 note. Sentimental value.

Scottish telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

HOUSEWIVES: I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.

One day Jock bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell.

Getting up he felt something wet on his pants.

He looked up at the sky and said,"Oh lord please I beg you let it be blood!"

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