Selection of Scottish Jokes (Part 4)

Submitted by Inchcock

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Sunday, 31 July 2011

The Scots have the [unjustified] reputation of being stingy.

But what they do have is the ability to laugh at themselves.

Here are a few examples:

Double glazing is doing great business in Scotland in hope that the children cannot hear the icecream van when it comes round.

Angus called in to see his friend Donald to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls.

Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Donald replied "Naw. I'm moving house."

Callum decided to call his father-in-law the "Exorcist" because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear!

At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.

From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"

Jock was out working his fields when a barnstormer landed.

"I'll give you an airplane ride for £5," said the pilot.

"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.

"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be £10."

So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane.

Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"

"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"

Jock's nephew came to him with a problem.

"I have my choice of two women," he said, "a beautiful, penniless young girl whom I love dearly, and a rich old widow whom I can't stand."

"Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jock counseled.

"Very well, Uncle Jock," said the nephew, "that's sound advice."

"By the way," asked Jock "where does the widow live?"

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