Selection of Scottish Jokes (Part 1)

Submitted by Inchcock
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Sunday, 31 July 2011

1) Q: How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Och! It's no that dark!

2) A Scottish boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

3) Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. "Aye, a whusky" Jock replied.

She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one.

"Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"

Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"

4) Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.

The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"

Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"

5) A very popular scotsman dies in glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says "I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband"

The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"

The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok" so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid"

He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things.

The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hands the paper over the counter again.

The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"

6) Jock was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery.

He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. Then he asked the priest,
"Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Well my son, it's the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whisky and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be damned!" Jock muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does.

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