Q: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
Q: What did the fisherman say to the card magician?
A: Pick a cod, any cod!
A rubber band pistol had to be confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
In 1957, several cities were vying to host the 1964 Winter Olympics. Candidates had been eliminated to the point where the only two left were Singapore and Nevers, France.
The French venue had an obvious advantage for the games, but the Singaporeans were eager to host the games in their country, so they developed a snow-making machine.
Because of technical glitches, the machine produced snow only part of the time. The rest of the time it produced steam, and you can't ski on steam. So they made a last-ditch effort to perfect the machine, knowing that the deadline for a decision from the committee was nigh.
To bring moral support and entertainment to the workers, they brought in Elvis Presley, who mounted the stage and said, "Well, today's the day your machine must produce snow. If it belches out steam, the games will go to France. So this is it. It's snow, or Nevers."
Q: What caused the airline to go bankrupt?
A: Runway inflation.
Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
A: Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!
Q: Where do Floridians wash their clothes?
A: In Fort Launderdale.
Q: What bone should a dog never eat?
A: A trombone.
Q: Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was an in tents conflagration!
Q: What is a dentist's favorite musical instrument?
A: A tuba toothpaste.