1) Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister.... and now wish to withdraw that statement. ~Mark Twain
2) Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. ~Victor Borge
3) Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. ~Mark Twain
4) What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain
5) By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~Socrates
6) I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho Marx
7) My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante
8) It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. ~Inchcock
9) I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
10) Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. ~Spike Milligan
11) What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money! ~Henny Youngman
12) Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'. ~Joe Namath
13) Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert Henry Asquith
14) I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~Bob Hope
15) We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Parliament. ~Eric Sykes
16) Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. ~Unknown
17) The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good .. spit it out. ~Dr Vindla
18) By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. ~Bob Monkhouse
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