18 Great funny Quotations

Submitted by Inchcock

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Thursday, 14 July 2011

1) Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister.... and now wish to withdraw that statement. ~Mark Twain

2) Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. ~Victor Borge

3) Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. ~Mark Twain

4) What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain

5) By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~Socrates

6) I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho Marx

7) My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante

8) It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. ~Inchcock

9) I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor

10) Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. ~Spike Milligan

11) What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money! ~Henny Youngman

12) Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'. ~Joe Namath

13) Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert Henry Asquith

14) I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~Bob Hope

15) We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Parliament. ~Eric Sykes

16) Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. ~Unknown

17) The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good .. spit it out. ~Dr Vindla

18) By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. ~Bob Monkhouse

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