1) Pete: "My mother made me a neurotic."
Mark: Great! If I buy her the wool, will she make me one, too?
2) Pete: "Call me a cab."
Mark: "Ok, you're a cab."
3) Pete: "Don't you know the Queen's English?"
Mark: "Why, yes, I'd heard she was."
4) Pete and Mark meet on the train platform. They are both waiting for the 1:58 to Chicago, which is late again.
Pete says: "Finally, here it comes. You know, this train comes 4 minutes late every day!"
Mark replied: "Yeah, I know. Last week I had to wait from two to two to two-two too."
(try saying that fast)
5) Euro-English: The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased a plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".
Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.
Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this
klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when
the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words
like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which
have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the
languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted
in ze forst plas.