Good & bad news:
An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."
Patient: "Oh No! That's awful! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?"
Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."
Hard of hearing:
Three elderly gentlemen, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."
Hubby & Wife go to the doctors:
A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:
1. Each morning , fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.
4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.
5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day.
6. Don't discuss your problems with him.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her.
"You're going to die," she replied.
A pastor was doing a funeral the first week of a new appointment and therefore was unable to say anything at all about the Mark, whose body was in the casket. So he asked for those present to share. He said, "Is there anyone here how can say something good about this man?"
He went on, "Is there someone here who can say something pretty good about this man?"
Again the pastor went on, "Is there someone who can say anything at all that is at least somewhat positive about this man?"
Finally an older gentleman stood up and said, "Well, he wasn't as bad as his brother.!"
A funeral service:
A funeral service was being held in a small town funeral parlour for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bumped into a wall and shook the casket. Hearing a faint moan, they open the casket and found out that the woman was actually alive!
For ten more years, the women enjoyed good health and then suddenly died. A ceremony is again held at the same funeral parlor. At the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they make their way toward the door, the husband cries out in a panicky voice, "Watch out for the wall!"
An old businessman was on his deathbed
An old businessman was on his deathbed, and called for his friend to come to his side. "Bill," he said weakly, "I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."
"Yes, my friend, I will," his friend replied. "And what do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and post them to the Chancellor of the Exchequer. Write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"
Dying as Jesus did:
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."