1) A small town doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish: One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighbouring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his own fishing scales. The baby weighed 32 lb. 10 oz
2) An Englishman was stopped by a game warden in Australia recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" The Englishman replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" the warden replied. "Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" The Englishman looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works." The game warden was curious now. "Okay, I've GOT to see this!" The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said: "Well?" "Well, What?" the Englishman responded. "When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted. "Call who back?" the man asked. "The FISH." "What fish?" the man asked
3) Two Irishmen were walking down the street with two salmon each under their arms.
Two other Irishmen walking in the opposite direction see the two lucky fishermen and ask " how did you catch those ?"
Well its like this! Michael here holds my legs over the bridge, and I grab the salmon as they swim up the river. We got four salmon A great days fishing!
So the fishless pair look at each other and agree to give it a try.
They get to the bridge and Sean calls to his friend "hold my legs now Paddy".
Well he is hanging there upside down for thirty minutes when he suddenly cries.. "pull me up, pull me up!!"
Paddy asks " do you have a fish Sean?"............
No replies Sean, "there's a bloody train coming!!
4) There were three preachers: a Catholic, a Baptist, and a rabbi. They are all fishing out in the lake when all of a sudden the Baptist has to go to the bathroom. So he gets up and walks across the water, does his business, and comes back. Then all of a sudden the rabbi has to go, so he gets up and walks across the water, does his business, and comes back. Then the Catholic has to go, but when he gets out he falls into the water, so he swims back, gets back into the boat, looks up, and says, ''God, let me walk across the water.'' Then he tries again and falls into the water, so he swims back, tries again and he falls again. The Baptist leans over to the rabbi and says, ''Do you think we should tell him where the stepping stones are?''
5) Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place. First guy: " You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: " that's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: " Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will refit the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realised that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him.
You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. " What's the deal?" Fourth guy: " I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, " Fishing or Sex" and she said, " Don't forget to wear a Sweater dear."
6) "I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife ...best trade I ever made."
7) How do fish go into business? "They start on a small scale"
8) What day of the week do fish hate? "Frydays"
9) Why don't prawns share? "Because they're a little shellfish".
10) One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So, he tied her up and went fishing. 'Pleasure is where you find it'
11) A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... (She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
12) Two guys from Nottingham are quietly sitting in a fishing boat sucking down beer when suddenly Mark says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." Lynton sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
13) World's Shortest Fairy Tale: Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing a lot and played golf a lot and drank beer and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. THE END
14) Where do shellfish go to borrow money? - 'To the prawn broker'!
15) Where do little fishes go every morning? - 'To plaice school'!
16) The fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks "Any luck?" "Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday" he boasts. "Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger. "Nope." "Well, meet the new game warden." "Oh," gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?" "Nope". "Meet the biggest liar in the state."
17) Not Coming in today A guy rings his boss and says "I can't come to work today The boss asks why and the guy says "it's my eyes." "What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss. "I just can't see myself coming to work, so I m going fishing instead…"
18) One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was cold and raining, and he decided to return back to his house. He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife. "What a terrible weather today, honey." he said to her. "Yes. And my idiot went fishing!"
19) Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."
20) Three Nottingham guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since an accident at work - Could you help me?" "Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years. The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When the angel turned to the third guy, the man put his hands out defensively - "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I m on a disability pension."