1) NOAH'S ARK: One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, Anything you want.. After all, you're the guv" .
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch." This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah, "Well, OK Big Man whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well, sort of right, this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?", queries Noah?
"Yep, fish, well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.
"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".
2) What do you call a fish with no eye?
3) What did the mummy sardine say to her children when they saw a submarine?
"Don't worry, it's only a tin of people".
4) If fish lived on land, which country would they live in?
5) What did one rock pool say to the other rock pool?
"Show me your mussels".
6) How do you kiss a pike?
7) What sits at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
"A nervous wreck".
8) The Fishing Trip: A guy takes his wife on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even accommodation, a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing they don't catch a thing. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, the husband finally catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. The guy turns to his wife and says, "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
"Wow!" she says "It's a good job we didn't catch any more!"
9) What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
"You can't tuna fish".
10) Fly-fisherman's wife: "Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend"
11) What fish terrorises other fish?
"Jack the Kipper"
12) What do you call a pike with a gun?
13) My 20lb Carp: "I caught a twenty pound carp last week." "Were there any witnesses?" "There sure were. If there hadn't been, it would have been forty pounds."
14) Marks son, David, burst into the house, crying. His mother asked him what the problem was.
"Daddy and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while he was reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away."
"Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed it off."
"But that's just what I did, mummy."
15) The Difference: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
16) Chance of a Fishing Trip: A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. Its the opportunity of a lifetime and we leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in and hour to pick them up."
He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns.
His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?."
He says "Oh yes it was great. But you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas."
His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"
17) One day, two guys Joe and Bob were out fishing.A funeral service passes over the bridge they're fishing by, and Bob takes off his hat and puts it over his heart. He does this until the funeral service passes by. Joe then said "Gee Bob, I didn't know you had it in you!" Bob then replies " It's the least I could do. After all I was married to her for 30 years."
18) One Day: One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside a monastery. A monk came out and invited him inside to have dinner and spend the night. The motorist accepted. That night he had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef. Entering the kitchen, he asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?" "No," the man replied, "I'm the chip monk."
19) The Minnow: I was fishing off the pier here one time when a little minnow about the size of your finger grabbed onto the hook. Next a big cod came and grabbed hold of the minnow.
Then, just as I was reeling in the cod, a big shark came and fastened onto it."
"Did you land the shark?"
"No. The bloody minnow let go."
20) The Wife: after returning from fishing trip with husband to neighbour: "I did everything all wrong again today - I talked too much and too loud. I used the wrong bait. I reeled in too soon and I caught more than he did."