1) Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
2) "What flavours of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer.
"Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.
Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?"
"No...." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm.... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."
3) A traveller became lost in the Sahara desert. Realising his only chance for survival was to find civilisation, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. He was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him. Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water...". A Bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?" With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear - "You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!" "Well, sir," replied the bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent about two kilometers south of here where you can get some." - Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed - Another Bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, "May I help you sir?" - "Water..." was the feeble reply. - "Oh, sir," replied the bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!"
4) Waiter, I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream. I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?
5) The grovelling waiter asked the customer: 'And how did you find your steak sir?' - Well, quite by accident, I moved this tomato slice and there it was...
6) A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" - The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
7) A man walks into a restaurant and is taken by the notice above the kitchen door - "500 Euros If We Fail To Fulfill Your Order". Hmmm, the man thinks for a while and when the waiter comes up to take his order he says; "Thank you, yes, I'll have thin strips of braised alligator leg - the front ones you understand, coated in birds nest stock, accompanied by Asparagus from the Champagne-Ardenne, New Zealand rind of lemons, all sprinkled with ground Pinon nuts - and rye bread please." Well, the waiter sweats. He takes the order into the kitchen and pandemonium ensues. Pans clatter to the floor, there is the sound of cupboards being ransacked, wails from staff who get bashed by the screaming head chef, waitresses fleeing the kitchen in floods of tears, glasses falling and smashing, more deperate rummaging in cupboards, amid sobs from goodness knows who. Finally the noise abates and a very angry and dishevelled manager comes out, and slaps ten fifties onto the man's table - "Your're lucky night!" he growls, "been in this business twenty years and it's the first time we ever ran out of rye bread!"
8) A man arrives at the breakfast room in the hotel at which he is staying and calls over the head waiter. "I believe that this morning I would like two boiled eggs - one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so overcooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left out so it's a bit cold, burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee." - "That's a complicated order sir," said the bewhildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied, "Oh? I don't understand - that's what you served me yesterday!"
9) A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. From across the room, their waitress noticed the man begin to slowly slide down in his chair, while the woman remained unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair, and went out of sight under the table and tablecloth. The woman continued to remain calm and unruffled. - The waitress was unable to contain her curiosity. She went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." - The woman calmly replied, "No he didn't ... My husband just walked in the door."
10) David Cameron and Nick Clegg go to a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good, I'll have that," David says. The waiter nods: "And the vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, HE'll have the fish." Cameron replied.