1) Benny Hill:
"Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand."
2) Eric Morecombe:
"A friend is someone who's there when he needs you"
3) M Mwele:
"Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours."
4) Inchcock: (Not famous, but I thought you'd like to read the thoughts of a complete idiot)
"A rolling moss is worth no less than too many cooks on Wednesday half day closing with sugar."
5) Joseph Heller:
"I'm gonna live forever, or die trying."
6) Hubert Humphrey:
"Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law."
7) Ronald Reagan:
"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do."
8) John Prescott MP (Now a Lord):
"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder"
9) Spike Milligan:
"I can see clearly now, the brain has gone, I think, can't I, maybe not?"
10) Tony Benn MP:
"A faith is something you die for, a doctrine is something you kill for. There is all the difference in the world."
11) Tony Hancock:
"Some people say that one's personality is reflected off of their car... Well, I have no car."
12) Tony Curtis:
"I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife."
13) Tony Parsons:
"Grammar schools are public schools without the sodomy."
14) W C Fields:
"You can't trust water, even a straight stick turns crooked in it."
15) Will Rogers:
"Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week."
16) Samuel Pepys:
"He that will not stoop for a pin will never be worth a pound."
17) Spike Milligan:
"Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."
"Our envy always lasts longer than the happiness of those we envy."
19) Stephen Fry:
"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me."
20) Jack Handy:
"To me, boxing is like a ballet - except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other."