My ex-wife (who cheated & married the asshole) just called to tell me she's divorcing. I hate myself for being so turned on right now.
So, I'm a Virgo, now? This is unacceptable. I've spent my entire life cultivating the personality of a Libra. MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN A LIE!
Spring hasn't arrived, yet, but I got a bikini wax, anyway. Now, I feel like a new man, my testicle-region sparkles, and I'm ready to be loved.