A Fireman & a Policeman...
A fireman and a policeman died and both went to heaven where they were issued their wings with the warning that if they had even have one bad thought their wings would fall off.
Well, everything went well for some time then one day they passed a very attractive and well put together young lady.
As the fireman turned to watch her pass his wings fell off.
When he bent over to pick them up the policeman's wings fell off.
Einstein, Picasso and GW Bush...
Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove you're Albert Einstein?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and then asks, "Can I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear.
Einstein proceeds to describe, in arcane mathematics and symbols, his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso.
Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "You are definitely the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush.
Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
Bush looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
A man arrives at the gates...
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven, and tells him there are some criteria before entry is allowed. For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church?
St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities?
St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything?
St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime, work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet.
I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.