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From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 31 Jan 14 17:15
Yucky undertakers could keep youngsters

(how's that on the yucky scale?)

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 8 Jan 14 13:53
winter is never too exciting really

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 8 Jan 14 13:50
Somehow one minke evades hunters over winter

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 8 Jan 14 13:41
Sunrays: until noon, rays are yellower somehow

From News Discussion / Why do we wear paper hats at Christmas?
Posted 18 Dec 13 12:10
Good story - I always wondered why we celebrate Christmas by wearing a paper hat. After writing this story you may have noticed that Captain Sausage was moved to climb onto the roof of the local Tesco's and decorate their shop sign with a hat. That'll show them the real meaning of Christmas!

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 11 Dec 13 16:33
Xylol? Yummy! (laugh out loud)

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 2 Dec 13 11:38
Society of contributors is eventually told yes.

Continuing from Tommy Twinkle on 6th Feb 2013 -
Kids impatience drives society.

(Following on from the old Acronyms thread of 10,796 entries started in 2008.)

From General Discussion / Prank Call Death
Posted 8 Dec 12 17:05
I think there is a big difference between spoofing celebs, politicians and people who put themselves in the public eye and civilians like this poor woman who we are only talking about because of what happened to her against her will.

If we are not careful we can end up being not so very different from the Australian DJs who started the whole thing.

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 8 Dec 12 09:53
Syria, you really intend atrocities?

From News Discussion / Big glasses make wine taste better
Posted 7 Dec 12 22:34
Liked this one - 5 thumbs.

And I'm a sucker for a good pun-based name like Isla Vaneisswein.

From General Discussion / The Gang Of Four
Posted 7 Dec 12 14:47
Funnily enough there's a Californian metal band called Fang of Gore.

From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 29 Nov 12 20:10
It's quarter final day on Professional MasterChef. Double Michelin starred Michel Roux Junior and double-chinned Michelin-man judge Gregg Wallace crank up the pressure as they hunt for Britain's next culinary superstar.

From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 27 Nov 12 19:10
I've yet to watch ep1 but I couldn't resist a little joke for those who know the original Last Tango film. Your recommendation, though, has tempted me to delve into Catch-up for it. Good acting can carry a weak script, I find.

Quote: Clive Danton

Simon your cynicism and paranoia does you great credit mate. Keep it up.

Roy I watched the first episode last week and although I thought the plot involving the two septuagenarian FB lovers was a little far fetched, vis a vis high speed car chases etc, the level of acting by both Jacobi and La Reid was so sublime, it papered over a multitude of squealing tyre and melting brake linings sins.

From General Discussion / TV Choice.
Posted 27 Nov 12 18:25
Tonight, it's episode 2 of Last Tango in Halifax, and newly engaged Celia (Anne Reid) and Alan (Derek Jacobi) discuss their plans. Celia's idea that instead of buying an engagement ring they should do something new and exiting soon has Alan reaching for the Flora Spreadable.

From General Discussion / People Who Should Seriously Consider Changing Their Name By Deed Poll
Posted 27 Nov 12 17:31
Not someone I know but it seems like it is a real person.

From News Discussion / My Ex Filmed Me Blowing On My Custard Claims Pop Princess
Posted 30 Mar 12 22:26
Excellent! All the little nuances build up a brilliant story. Not many do crude and clever as well as Mr Danton.

I am about to stop my dive five times from me.

From News Discussion / Diamond Jubilee Street Party to take place on M25
Posted 16 Mar 12 07:36
5 thumbed this one in approvals - great story. The premise that a community would be given permission to do this because of where the village used to be situated made me chuckle.

From News Discussion / Hosepipe Ban Latest
Posted 13 Mar 12 21:17
Listen, thanks for the accolade Clive, but you hit on a bit of a tricky situation when you posted this, yesterday arvo. You see I write on here under a nom de plume de ma tante, and it's a bit embarrassing but, well I've got the kids to think about, and I'm feeling a bit crook about the whole thing, but me and Katie have a bit of history since Celebrity, and now I've really just got to get on with my life, you know? It's all hard yacka from now on so I'm just going to get on with it. I know you're not the sort of drongo who would mean any harm by it mate, so I think we should put it behind us, open a couple of tinnies, and push on.

From News Discussion / German Bottom-Wiping Gadget Set To Clean-Up Worldwide
Posted 9 Mar 12 23:40
Good story.

Years ago I was staying at a small hotel in Germany and the toilet had a seat which plugged into the mains. The weight of a person sitting on the seat compressed a micro-switch which actuated an extractor fan in the seat which sucked air out of the toilet bowl, through a filter and out a vent. When you flushed, a whirlpool of coloured and scented water tsunamied everything away and then a box on the wall emitted a short burst of air freshner.

Then I drove to France where the next convenience I happened upon was an overflowing hole in the ground with a splintered wooden plank seat and a special contraption that, as you got seated, nudged your car keys out of your pocket to drop down the hole.

From News Discussion / Renoir Masterpiece Found In Acton Town Hall
Posted 6 Mar 12 23:02
I reckon this story is rubbish. I worked in Acton Town Hall for almost a year and I never found any hidden lost masterpieces. Not one.

My mate, though, found an old violin and a huge painting in a shed in Ealing. He took them to be valued and a guy told him that what he had there was a Stradivarius and a Turner.

"The only trouble is", he told my mate, "I'm afraid that we don't supply punchlines to old jokes."

From News Discussion / Life Insurance Scam Uncovered
Posted 6 Mar 12 16:17
I'll take you up on this!

Quote: Simon Saunders

Who is responsible for starting this thread? I need to know so I can send them a blank signed cheque made out to cash.

From News Discussion / Life Insurance Scam Uncovered
Posted 5 Mar 12 19:21
Liked this one. Also liked the name of the company etc, but my fave was Graham Reaper.

From News Discussion / David Cameron: I did not have sexual relations with that horse
Posted 3 Mar 12 23:15
Class story.

From General Discussion / Why should Birbee stop lurking and start showing??
Posted 3 Mar 12 14:48
Brilliant - thanks Birb! I especially like the Scotch Bonnets with the bead of water.

Quote: birbee

Especially for Roy Turse, here are some chillies.............

Bird Eye #1

Bird Eye #2

Bird Eye #3

Scotch Bonnet

And, for no particular reason, a flying Greylag Goose.............

From General Discussion / Pain.
Posted 1 Mar 12 23:40
Catching a fingernail with a cheese grater
A muscle pulled now can really hurt later
Your hand slammed, bam! in the door of the car
Foot slips off the pedal then you hit the crossbar

A pain can be caused by the crack of a whip
A well hammered thumb or a simple split lip
A papercut seems far worse than a knife
But a toothache can feel the worst pain in your life

One cautionary tale about pain I should mention
Is not to prep veg without paying attention
If the recipe requires the chopping of chilli
Then, when in the bathroom, don't touch your eye

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Any opinions expressed here are purely the opinions of the contributors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Spoof, its staff or the original writer of the spoof news/parody/satire story.

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