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From News Discussion / Obama to Critics:"I'll Bite You!"
Posted 6 Oct 09 04:06
Message
done!

 
From News Discussion / Time Magazine to name Person Of The Year: The American Asshole
Posted 6 Oct 09 02:52
Message
I said where is my Waldorf salad! Where is it!
What's wrong with you people!?
Do I have to go out to the kitchen and make it myself?!?!?


Time Magazine's - Man of the Year

 
From General Discussion / British Comedy Shows - For Our American Friends
Posted 6 Oct 09 02:46
Message
Scoob,

We barbarians do get the BBC America show.
However, they seem to have clipped off all the naked ladies!

 
From News Discussion / Lindsay Lohan Depressed - Says The Media Is Ignoring Her
Posted 6 Oct 09 01:38
Message
Ignoring, eh? Out of pity I clicked a pity click..

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 5 Oct 09 19:21
Message
Yes, it's true, most people ARE constipated.


Quote: Jaggedone


Quote: Aspartame Boy


Quote: P.M. Wortham




expression: Xylophones please retards especially sick, sad idiots on nutrients


Nutrients Unified Through Roasting In Entrails, Nurtured Thick Sauces


wrong one!


Asparteme you'r correct but who gives a shit:

Sauces are usually creamy extravagant solutions


 
From News Discussion / Wacky Hats in Iraq: The Solution to Decreased Morale?
Posted 5 Oct 09 19:05
Message
strangely, this story shows up when I search for stories about bilderberg. Yet, there is no connection! (or maybe there is a secret connection?)

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 5 Oct 09 18:57
Message

Quote: P.M. Wortham




expression: Xylophones please retards especially sick, sad idiots on nutrients


Nutrients Unified Through Roasting In Entrails, Nurtured Thick Sauces


wrong one!

 
From News Discussion / Jesus Spiked on Madonna's Steel Tits
Posted 5 Oct 09 18:19
Message
Hey Coinal, how'd get to be so good? Ya beating me!

 
From General Discussion / Almost in the 1,000 mile club
Posted 5 Oct 09 18:17
Message
NO no NO,, Mark works in the downtown Spoof Centre, at Main and Center street, you know, the 101 story building? He's on the top floor!

I work on the 10th floor from the top.

I'm planning on retiring by selling my stories, one by one, on EBAY.

So THAT's what cancer of the testicles looks like when it metastasizes.



Quote: Jimbo Gunn


Quote: Mark Lowton

I don't generally go too far, I cycle to and from work every day (about 5 miles round trip) ...




You mean you have a JOB?!

I mean one that doesn't involve sitting around in your pants editing TheSpoof.com?

Does this site not earn you more than a premiership footballer?!


 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 5 Oct 09 18:10
Message
Tripe: raucous inconsiderate puerile expression

For example:

expression: Xylophones please retards especially sick, sad idiots on nutrients

 
From General Discussion / Online social networking sites
Posted 5 Oct 09 16:40
Message
I think I'll start my own.. kiss my grits..

 
From General Discussion / Almost in the 1,000 mile club
Posted 5 Oct 09 15:33
Message
Returns the boots mate? Sure, oh, I dropped my hanky, could you please pick it up for me?

Oh, nice {KICK!} arse you had there, sorry about that boot in it!

 
From News Discussion / Obama to Critics:"I'll Bite You!"
Posted 5 Oct 09 00:49
Message
 
From News Discussion / Obama to Critics:"I'll Bite You!"
Posted 5 Oct 09 00:47
Message
"on the fingers of one hand" should be:

"on the middle fingers of both hands"

Headline GRABBED my attention.. this should be a scorcher!

more later.. still enjoying it..

Needs a followup, where he does bite someone, and will not let go. The secret service prevents the police from resolving the situation..

The person he is biting? Leave to you..
I'll be happy to write it, referencing your story if you prefer. Let me know!

 
From News Discussion / Gratuitous sex words in story title make spoof popular as pussy
Posted 4 Oct 09 14:28
Message
This all goes to show that most of the world is normal, and likes pussy. UK chaps seem to like turds.

Could it be the severe upbringings? All those canings?

 
From News Discussion / Embryo mix-up woman gives natural birth to elephant
Posted 4 Oct 09 05:00
Message

Quote: victor nicholas

Liked this one 5*


Thanks. I have four kids, and watched all four births.

All four, human. Which is strange, since I'm an alien.

 
From General Discussion / Who Did You Have A Crush On As A Kid?
Posted 4 Oct 09 04:20
Message
mostly small bugs, but some large beetles too. They were quite stinky when I squished them. Sometimes they were quite stinky even prior to me crushing them.

 
From General Discussion / Recent horrible experience with neighbors spoiled 33rd wedding anv celbration plans
Posted 4 Oct 09 04:18
Message
It is so terrible, not sure I can spoof about it yet..

Besides, it would be painful for her to read as well..

 
From News Discussion / Man With World's Longest 'Pinkie' Nail Puts it to Good Use
Posted 4 Oct 09 04:14
Message

Quote: Madame Bitters


Quote: Aspartame Boy

..


Thanks, AB.

..

How about a world's biggest asshole story instead?


Sure, but that is the anti-butt, the hole is the absence of butt.. so the anti-butt that ate all the butts?

As they say in basketball, nothing but hole.. I mean nothing but net.. you get the idea..

 
From News Discussion / Bush Suffers Near-Fatal Orgasm
Posted 4 Oct 09 00:38
Message

Quote: Fergus McCarthy

Now, Now, Sean,

Dont piss them off!!

we may like to take the piss out of them but never forget they can over run Shannon airport in 30 mins, invading the UK would happen the next day.





We love you Americans








































Laugh when they laugh, keep them happy, they're not too bad but if they think you have oil you are f**ked.











And rumour has it that an absolute s**tload has been discovered off the coast of Ireland.


Fergus Jefferson the third


Yes, we need a lot of oil to process all your linefeeds, you hapless return key hitter!

 
From News Discussion / Bush Suffers Near-Fatal Orgasm
Posted 4 Oct 09 00:36
Message

Quote: Skoob1999

If Mark, by his own admission, has no sensible sense of humour, then what's he doing editing our crazy shit?

[abridged]

Skoob.


Skoob, if he had a sense of humor, he would have died laughing already. We need a guy who can keep us out of trouble.. A chap with a cool head.

Can you imagine the liability suit if someone DID die laughing?
Only Mark can make it not so funny.

 
From General Discussion / Almost in the 1,000 mile club
Posted 3 Oct 09 23:45
Message

Quote: Jimbo Gunn

I was flashed by a Dorset speed camera at the bottom of a big hill I was doing 38 in a 30.

I was really pleased I was using false plates that day.

P.S. what's cadence?

P.P.S. why is 1,000 miles significant? I do 20,000 a year.

P.P.P.S this isn't real a P.P.P.S because there never was a signature and according to my Latin master a postscript should come after a signature.

JG


Stop PSSSSIng on the forum please.

cadence of 90 is 90 revolutions per minute of the crankset.

I used to ride in Scarbourgh in the early 60's. There, they had a hill that was steep and broad. I hit 50 on my speedo.

It was a three speed rear hub. Nice little bike. sorta flat handle bars, not racing, not regular. dynamo on the front hub.



 
From General Discussion / Almost in the 1,000 mile club
Posted 3 Oct 09 23:41
Message
Hi..

I was clocked at 35MPH by the Pleasantville police. They holler at me: HEY! youre going 35! (this was on level road)

Also, 90 is the minimum cadence to avoid knee damage.

Good to see you ride.

What do you do about underwear, and such?

I learned how to ride in very loose dry powdery dirt, like sand, only smaller dust-like particles.

VERY HARD TO KEEP GOING THRU IT.




Quote: Mark Lowton

odometer, almost 999.2 miles


This is my cyclecomputer's odometer, reading 999.2 miles.

Just in case this rolls round to zero, thought I'd take a piccy of it and do a bit of show-and-tell.

I'd say about 600 of these miles have been done over the past six months, since I decided to get a bit fitter. I don't generally go too far, I cycle to and from work every day (about 5 miles round trip) and go out on a bigger 15-30 mile ride (depending on how I'm feeling) at least once a week.

The first time I did a 30 mile trip I had my first bonk about 10 miles from home. I hadn't eaten at all beforehand, nor during. I must have had a drink with me, but I'm not certain - oh, yes, I did, because I remember puking it up - nice! I was only about 500 yards away from my house too - I felt sorry for the bystanders.

Now I'm much more disciplined when it comes to appropriate nutrition before, during, and after rides. I especially like the prospect of coming home after an intense ride to pie and chips - ever the fat bastard!

My average speed waxes and wanes around 14mph and my cadence around 85-90rpm. My route involves gravelly canal towpath, a tarmacked cycle path, and a grassy canal towpath - all fairly flat, I haven't graduated to anything mountainous yet! My cycle to work is quite arduous though, with a couple of steep inclines - nothing too strenuous though.

Cycling on grass is a real pain - it just totally saps all your energy. Where I go around 16 mph on the tarmac, I tend to drop to around 13 on gravel but only just manage 10 on grass - it's a real killer - not to mention the bumps! Cut grass is a bigger pest because it clogs up in every nook and cranny. Mud as well is inevitable on the side of a canal. Thick squelchy clay mud. It's neither easy, nor pleasant, to ride through - thankfully the Mrs washes my clothes - oh, but when it gets in your mouth, yeurgh!

Speaking of mouths, flies are also horrible. And big ones are painful.

It's amazing how much of a difference wind plays on your speed. I never really appreciated it before, but with a wind behind me, I can merrily scoot along with little effort - and the annoying thing is, you don't really feel it's there - but you do if you go back into it and you're reduced to an agonising crawl! It's really stark. I have a much better appreciation for my car's engine now - and an appreciation for how I can be more energy efficient with it.

Anyway, that's about all that comes to mind. Hope you enjoyed my little brain dump about my cycling.


 
From News Discussion / Man With World's Longest 'Pinkie' Nail Puts it to Good Use
Posted 3 Oct 09 23:40
Message
Worlds longest body part is just a pinky nail? 5*!

How about man with worlds largest butt.

A butt twice as large as Buckwheatsbutt.

How women are repulsed, then strangley attracted to it, but not for the usual purpose.. they want to nest there..

 
From General Discussion / Skoob's eBay Song
Posted 3 Oct 09 21:35
Message
Please record this song, then put up a ling so I can hear it. Or, a link to the real song so I can get the melody.

Thanks!


Quote: Skoob1999

To be sung roughly to the tune of 'I Don't Like Mondays' by the Boomtown Rats.

She bought a new front door
And an apple core
And a jam jar full of spunk
She bought a shopping bag
And a porno mag
My house is filled with junk
You know I just don't understand her
I always thought she was as good as gold
She sees an offer she'll buy it
And she can't deny it
Consider your junk sold
Sold
OOh-ooh-ooh
Tell me why
I don't like eBay
Tell me why
I don't like e- Ba-ay
Tell me why
I don't like eBay
I wanna shoot
Shoo-oo-oo-oo-oot
The whole thing down.
Shoot it all down

Altogether now...

TELL ME WHY...

Regards

Skoob.


 
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Any opinions expressed here are purely the opinions of the contributors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Spoof, its staff or the original writer of the spoof news/parody/satire story.

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Jeff Brone
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