Discussion Forum

Well... three ways.

1. It is a good substitute for napalm.
2. Coated on a jemmy it allows it to slip easily in between the car window and door to open it.
3. You can use it to write secret messages on mirros.

Are any of those your two ways? if not then we have five.

Iain

All the clues were in the show as to how he survived the fall.

Any further info would be spoiling it for those that don't work it out. For those that do work it out, then they can have the self-satisfied glow of smug satisfaction. Or the embarrassed glow of getting it wrong AND the surprise of seeing how...

Iain

P.S. I might be wrong. In which case I fall into the last category.

P.P.S. The last time I was wrong, I was 10 and I vowed never to be wrong again.

October cannot turn overly bitter, ergo: rain

Iain

Desires elicit sensations in randy elephant siblings

My face rings a bell.

Very ambiguous I am.

Iain

I would like to complain about my room. Well you call it a room, I call it the end of a corridor you've put a door across. The room is too small to stretch in, the bed is smaller than a show house's bed. Well, you call it a bed, I call it a shelf with a blanket on, and a direct line to the tube station immediately below my 'corridor with a door across'. I can't close the door on the shower while I'm in it and I've taken a chunk out of my hip on the toilet roll holder.

There are no batteries in the TV remote, which is fortunate, as there is no position in the room to view the TV from. Your internet router needs rebooting, and there appears to be nobody within the city of London insured to do it.

The wardrobe is so narrow that I cannot hang anything other than my underpants in it, and I don't normally hang up my underpants. To top it off, the light switch for the room is outside the door.

Needless to say, I will only be recommending this hotel to my contortionist dwarf friend who hasn't slept since 1965, loves the sound of the tube, and enjoys confined spaces.

Iain

Two snowmen in a field, one turns to the other and says: "Can you smell carrots?"

Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says: "Can you drive this thing?"

Two parrots on a perch, one turns to the other and says: "Can you smell fish?"

Hopefully, there are no famous snowmen, fish or parrots that I can kill with my jokes.

Iain

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was tied to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
It was following the new trend.

Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
It was pushed by an oven.

What was an oven doing up a tree?
It thought it was a g'riller.

How did Tarzan die?
Four monkeys and an oven fell on him.

Iain

Dear Spoof

I have just been into the kitchen to make a cup of tea after the two girls had been in there. We've only got the one cup, and you'd never guess what they'd left in it.

Yours

Siqas Aparott
Holly Wood
Ivyness

Benzoin? that sounds like a Benzedrine and heroin mix, plus Meth and spirits?

What kind of cold cure is that?

Iain

Eggnog is the collected spit of every mammal on the planet, except baboons. And lightly armoured armadillos, as they are the only mammal not to produce spit.

It's in the bible.

Job 20:20 - And washed onto the whale's tongue was a whole crate of WKD and a whole crate of eggnog. The eggnog was poured down the whales throat, making him violently sick. Lo! Job was free, but not having finished the WKD, he went back in.

Iain

I missed, this, I wasn't really here, I'd just turned my machine on, and one of the auto-open pages is Spoof.

Still, the sun is over the yard arm, as I keep that on the floor, so I'll join you in that raised bevy.

Iain

I only fuck birds during an earthquake so they think the Earth moved just for them.

I also live in the most geographically stable country in the world. [insert sad faced smiley here - ed].

Iain

Got back from Guiseley. Mystified how they got a point and we didn't get all three.

Iain

P.S. I'm not sure these are dull enough. Or untruthful enough.

Off to Guiseley for the toughest game of the season. Hope we win.

Iain

That's gratitude isn't it?

I've just had to drive to the nearest 24 hour supermarket to get the catfood, I've only just got back.

I'd run out of catfood, not having a cat.

Iain

I'm a big fan of Ricky Gervais's Obituary writer. It's high time he got his minute in the sun.

My wife on the other hand, disagrees.

Well opposites attack. Attract. Damn. Always making that mistake.

So I've seen the Office (yawn / embarrassment), and Extras (almost watchable thanks to the supporting cast who unfortunately have to kowtow to RG).

And I've seen Life's Too Short. It's not big and it's not clever.

Iain

You got to get those lines on the joke page...

I guffawed and I've not done that since I was twenty-seven.

Iain

I knew I should have a shower this month. It's down to 165.

However, they're all mine.

Come to daddy!*

Iain

*That sounds worse written down.

I like Lasagna, it's near Bologna isn't it?

I didn't know it was in the district of Iguana, though.

Iain

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Quote: Ellie James

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Quote: IainB

I fall over quite regularly, but because I'm a goalkeeper, I laughingly call it diving.

Iain

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Is he really a goal keeper? Because that would explain a lot!

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Yes, I really am a goalkeeper, though never any higher than Sunday league, unlike my dad who played semi-pro - hence my interest in non-league football. And it explains quite a lot.

Inch, I played in -10 temps to a few times on pitches so hard it and rutted I finished the game bruised. These Premiership pansies with their heated pitches don't know they're born.

Iain

I fall over quite regularly, but because I'm a goalkeeper, I laughingly call it diving.

Hope you're going to sue them for having step that get wet when it rains. Terrible design flaw that.

Iain

I've already had two sex changes.

I'm currently on my third.

It's not many for a man my age, but I like to think I'm loyal.

Iain

Well, that's half an hour well spent.

I like the pictures with the articles. Some very talented artists over there.

I got distracted by somebody who HAS to live near me, as he wrote a story about a Hyde fan taking his girlfriend to Worcester. Goes by the name of Stan Laurel.

Some cracking ideas, like Flash Bannister Cleaner, which is just genius.

Nowhere for me to give him 5 thumbs for it though. How does he know I appreciated it? Amateurs.

Iain

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Quote: Lynton

I saw a sign saying 'SLOW LORRIS'

Coming back past the Church afterwards I saw another that said 'SOFT VERGERS'

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I like the one at Warrington Maternity Hospital that says "Deliveries at Rear".

Iain