Discussion Forum

I'm happy. I get my own clothes back tomorrow.

Actually, I'm pretty happy anyway. Look, I'm smiling.

Iain

I was a gynaecologist for a while, but I got sacked because I wouldn't pull my finger out.

When I tried being a miller, I got released for keeping my nose to the grindstone.

My career as a child psychologist was short-lived, I was released as soon as I turned sixteen.

I worked in a plant nursery for a while, but I had to get out of that hothouse environment.

Iain

That's on Channel 4, though.

Between the ballet and the discussion of the arts programming.

Iain

Skoob,

Don't repair the fence, and accidentally mow the lawn while the puppy is frolicking in the long grass.

Minced dead puppy was recommended as a great compost material on yesterday's Gardner's World.

Iain

I recently tried to join a Shooting from the Hip club, but they told me I wasn't trendy enough.

I also tried shooting pains, but apparently this is illegal in towns with 'Chester' in them. Damn by-laws. They're worse than in-laws.

Iain

Crap shooting, that's where it's at.

I normally combine it with my grouse shooting.

Iain

I go grouse shooting.

Every time I miss, I grouse.

Iain

My last text message from my other half read:

After 6. Yes!

Whereas my last text message I received read:

Well as I am likely to be in your aura then it is unlikely.

I understood the one from my wife. I'd asked her at what time evening officially becomes night, and if she agreed with Henry VIII's dissolution of the catholic church in order to fund a war. That was a bugger to put in a text message, I'll tell you.

The second text message is from somebody I'm giving a lift to tonight and makes no sense at all. I'd asked him what time he wanted picking up. I suppose it could be a haiku.

[perplexed look]

Iain

There is a chart for assessing pain: Pain Chart.

It's very useful.

It allows people to rate how much of a pain in the arse I am at parties.

Iain

Got to bring this one up. Davey Jones (of the Monkees) has died aged 66 of a heart-attack.

I bring it up because he's one of my tenuous celebrity connections. He went out with my best and longest friend's mum for years, before he went off to America and she married a welder.

I'll let you know how I'm connected to Willie Thorne and the Desk Sergeant from Juliet Bravo when they die.

Iain

I don't get tracking cookies coming onto my computer.

My screen saver is the Cookie Monster.

Iain

Sorry CJ me ol China, that'll be my folt.

I had Katie in the back of my cab the week before.

Iain

I ad that Maggie Tatch in the back of my cab last week. It took me bloody ages to get from Kensington to Hounslow just cos the silly cow wouldn't let me do a U-turn.

Iron lady? She smelled rusty to me.

Iain

That's very funny.

Shame it's not true though...What? Too early?

Iain

Being a geek, the best piece of graffiti I've EVER seen was on a road sign leaving B&Q in Ashton-under-Lyne.

The sign originally read:

"Right turners use both lanes"

To which was added:

"Unless somebody's watching and collapses the wave function"

Sadly, before it could be appreciated by more physicists, the sign was cleaned.

Iain

It means you get to eat dried fruit (just one mind) with the world famous author.

If you're lucky he won't want his, so you can have that one too.

I won this last year, and he wasn't very hungry. Or talkative to be honest.

Iain

I like the line from a Victoria Wood song:

I buy my underwear from Tupperware
It's not very comfortable, but it keeps everything nice and fresh.

I also like the line:
I buy my brillo pads from Habitat, they're not worth nine pound fifty.

Iain

I've not seen that ad, all I see are ads for Marks and Spenser lingerie.

I have no idea why.

It could be the crossdressing, or the fact it knows I'm male, married and valentines day is coming up.

If either were true, that'd be impressive targeting of ads.

Iain

Putin pulls out, turns it all about, says okey dokey and turns around - that's what it's all about.

It even fit the story...

I also liked Would butter be better if it was bitter?.

Iain

Ah, but I did get away with it, and I'm still getting away with it.

Iain

Evil visitors include Lutherans

Talking of Turkish...

When you dye Vaseline pink, it makes a reasonable Turkish Delight substitute. Possibly better, as it's slightly less toxic.

Iain

Ending nearly destoroyed Iain's novel "Goodbye".

It's going up again!

Help!

Iain

Guinea unusually insists no exports allowed.