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From General Discussion / Gitmo
Posted 27 Jan 09 22:45
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frangible.

It's irregular.

Iain

 
From General Discussion / Gitmo
Posted 27 Jan 09 08:27
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Isn't 'gitmo' a hood term for instructing a 'ho' to find additional items, such as money or pizza?

As in: "Hey, ho. Gitmo pizza from da fridge."

Why do we add a letter to make refrigerator shorter? Surely it should be frig? Ah, I think I just answered my own question.

I need to gitmo life.

Iain

 
From General Discussion / So. Learning to Spoof while in the slammer is out out out...
Posted 25 Jan 09 22:48
Message

Quote: victor nicholas

Why not teach crimals stand-up?


Because they wouldn't be in there if they were stand up citizens.

I'll get my coat on the way out, should I?

Iain

 
From General Discussion / Stupid Questions I Get Asked
Posted 20 Jan 09 11:46
Message
One half of a conversation I overheard when I sat near our support staff (who are far more patient than I am):

"First, you'll need to close the application."
"Click the picture in the top corner."
"Move the mouse over the picture and double click."
"It's a piece of plastic on the end of a wire next to your keyboard. It's got two buttons on the top."
"The flat thing with all the letters on."
"Right, you've found it. When you move it an arrow will move on the screen."
"Good. Make the arrow go over the picture in the top corner."
"Excellent. Now click the left button twice."
"You have to do it faster than that."
"I'll tell you what, press the key with ALT on it, and the one with F4 on it."
"No, that's on the keyboard."
"Yes, the letters thing."
"It should be beside the space bar."
"The long thin one."
"A L T."
"No, it's just one key."
"Good. press that and F4 together."
"At the top of the keyboard, between F3 and F5."
"No, keep ALT pressed while you press F4. You may need to put the phone down to do it."
"Hello? Stupid bastard."

And one customer, when asked to send us a copy of their disk, sent a photocopy of the floppy.

Iain

 
From General Discussion / Stupid Questions I Get Asked
Posted 20 Jan 09 11:30
Message
I'm a software developer.

I told my dentist's receptionist my occupation (she asked), at which point, she wanted to know if I could fix a problem they were having with the automated letter system in their software. I said no.

I've been asked where the 'any' key was when they saw a message that read: " Press any key to continue."

We have been asked to fix Microsoft Word, because it was on the same computer as our software. Which is like asking a washing machine repairman to repair your gas oven, because it's in the same kitchen.

Generally people believe developers to be psychic as well. We're never told everything in one go, it's a bit like a murder mystery sometimes. Customers think we already know, and cannot be bothered going into all the detail, such as which bit of the product the problem is in.

For some reason people equate software with hardware, and so believe I can fix broken computers. Sometimes without even being in the same country as the computer. These days I tell them it's damaged beyond repair and they need a new one regardless of what they tell me.

I've also yet to meet a customer with a sense of humour. There was a person search screen in one application to help them find their customers. One of the fields was called SEX? and it took M for Male and F for female (restrictive I know, but they were paying). It would not proceed without M, F or nothing in the field, anything else gave an error, and blanked it. So I added a bit to the error check that changed the message if they typed 'Y' to "Your place or mine?" instead of "Invalid code".

They were not impressed.

My question is, what we're they expecting when they keyed 'Y'?

Iain

 
From General Discussion / 20 Questions
Posted 18 Jan 09 13:58
Message
Q10: Did you used to be on TV?
Q09: Do you have an avian friend?
Q08: Are you a superhero?
Q07: Do you live on Acacia Avenue?
Q06: Is you're alter-ego called Eric?
Q05: Are you a cartoon?
Q04: Do you take power from a herb/fruit?
Q03: Do yellow and blue feature in your outfit?
Q02: We're you popular in the eighties?
Q01: Are you Bananaman?

Iain


 
From General Discussion / Anyone else have a problem with theSpoof crashing their computer/web page loading?
Posted 17 Jan 09 09:15
Message
If it's only happening on certain pages, it could be to do with a the adds that are displayed along side the stories. If you've not upgraded FF to 3, try that. If you have, investigate getting an ad blocker (Google will be your friend here). You should be able to find a free one for Firefox.

This is my serious expression :o|

Iain

 
From General Discussion / 20 Questions
Posted 17 Jan 09 09:11
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Q6 Are you generally considered a fruit, but in reality are a classified as a herb?
Q7 Are you generally considered a vegetable, but in reality are classified as a fruit?
Q8 Are you a faux fruit generally considered to be an ordinary fruit?
Q9 Why can't plant biologists just go with the flow? Why do they make it so difficult. Strawberries and apples are fruit, peas and aubergine (eggplant) are veg and a banana is a fruit. Unless you're a biologist.
Q10 Are you Harry Seacombe
Q11 In fact, are you a now dead famous person who has been dead long enough to become mineralised?

Iain

 
From General Discussion / 20 Questions
Posted 15 Jan 09 14:34
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Q19: Are you a statue?
Q20: Are you a grave?
Q21: Are we nearly there yet?
Q22: I need a wee!
Q23: Are you a small cloud formation in Tanzania?

Iain

 
From General Discussion / 20 Questions
Posted 15 Jan 09 11:38
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Q21: If two trains depart Piccadilly Station at 2pm one travelling east at 100 miles an hour and one west at 80 miles an hour, then how many men does it take to fill a bathtub?
Q22: What is the Pythagoras theory of the hypotenuse?
Q9: Umberto Eco wrote a book about being stranded in a boat. What was it called?

That's my homework sorted.

Q23: Are you a black American who recently shot to fame during a Presidential Election. If so, are you Shirley Bassey?

Iain

 
From General Discussion / 20 Questions
Posted 15 Jan 09 11:05
Message
Are you ON something?

Qi: Are you Stephen Fry?
Q17.4: Do you have hair?
Q -6: Do you own a dog?
Q Pi: Do you live in a castle surrounded by a moat guarded by a panther?
Q99: Is your mobile phone number 07789455879?
Q(b): Are you sure?

Iain

 
From General Discussion / 20 Questions
Posted 14 Jan 09 15:26
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Q5 Are you Barry Manilow's Dentist?

Iain

 
From General Discussion / The last thing I remember ......Game (New members welcome)
Posted 13 Jan 09 08:13
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Weren't they something like:
1. Start with a great line
2. Use the fewest characters possible
3. End at the end
4. It must take less than two hours to read
5. Be a complete story in itself

I'm struggling now. What are the other two?

Edit: Google is your friend:
6. Every word must be necessary
7. Must contain just one idea

Iain

 
From General Discussion / Similie Game Anyone?
Posted 12 Jan 09 14:50
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As wet as an English summer.

As far away as________________.

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 12 Jan 09 11:48
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Trash reveals additional secrets, hidden

 
From General Discussion / Similie Game Anyone?
Posted 10 Jan 09 18:28
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As disastrous as getting your CV back with the spelling errors corrected.

As open-minded as_______________________

Iain

 
From General Discussion / The last thing I remember ......Game (New members welcome)
Posted 10 Jan 09 18:27
Message
Stephen Hawking: The last thing I remember was creating a mini-black-hole in my kitchenette.

God: The last thing I remember was getting a call from the child support agency about some cheap whore in Nazareth.

Amy Whingehouse: The last thing I remember was the word flammable on the side of my hairspray just as I was lighting a fag.

Bill Gates: The last my computer remembered was me trying to start Vista.

Steve Jobs: The last thing I remember was somebody telling me that iBomb would not be successful.

Iain

 
From General Discussion / Similie Game Anyone?
Posted 9 Jan 09 16:17
Message
As consecrated as the pope's footsteps.

As brilliant as_______________

Iain

 
From General Discussion / The last thing I remember ......Game (New members welcome)
Posted 9 Jan 09 12:33
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Some less fatal ones for MW:
Keith Richards: The last thing I remember was 1976, man.

Paul McKenna: The last thing I remember was an implanted memory.

Amnesiac: The last thing I remember was about 12 minutes ago.

Jade Goody: The last thing I remember was learning how to tie my shoelaces. Ah, bugger, I forgot again.

And back to the fatal:
Richard Branson: The last thing I remember was the countdown.

Iain

 
From General Discussion / The last thing I remember ......Game (New members welcome)
Posted 8 Jan 09 22:58
Message
The last thing I remember was somebody shouting "Gas! Gas! Gas!" whilst I was clearing mines under mortar fire.

The last thing I remember was the realisation that opening a window in a submarine is a bad idea.

The last thing I remember was using a fork to get my toast out of the toaster.

The last thing I remember was thinking that I should have read the safety instructions with my new chainsaw.

Iain

 
From General Discussion / Similie Game Anyone?
Posted 8 Jan 09 22:43
Message
As obvious as a blue shirt in the Kop End.

As wet as_________________

Iain

 
From General Discussion / The last thing I remember ......Game (New members welcome)
Posted 8 Jan 09 08:57
Message
The last thing I remember was asking just how hot a curry can get.

Iain

 
From General Discussion / The last thing I remember ......Game (New members welcome)
Posted 6 Jan 09 23:13
Message
The last thing I remember was a big sign saying "Caution - Electromagnet", and feeling my balls move in that direction.

Iain

 
From General Discussion / The last thing I remember ......Game (New members welcome)
Posted 6 Jan 09 16:06
Message
The last thing I remember was wondering what Blu-Tac tasted like.

Iain

 
From News Discussion / Daniel Craig Voted Worst James Bond of All Times
Posted 6 Jan 09 09:21
Message

Quote: BuckwheatsButt

American guy references to pissing:

Taking a piss
Taking a leak
Tap a kegger
Draining the lizard
Going to talk to someone about buying a horse <wink usually added>
Busting a bladder
Taking a whiz
Gonna water some daisies
'Gonna write my name in the snow'
Making my bladder gladder

Probably others as well...Jman gotta a few others?


British idioms for taking a piss:
I'm going for a wee.

The "Draining the Lizard" could be put to song:
"I'm off to drain the lizard, the wonderful lizard of mine. Because, because, because: I'm dying for a wazz."

I wouldn't be able to write my name in the snow - it's the dot above the second 'I' that would get me every time, plus my handwriting's awful. And if you had a really long name, like Christopher Geriatric-Smythe, you'd need to drink an awful lot before starting.

Iain

 
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Any opinions expressed here are purely the opinions of the contributors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Spoof, its staff or the original writer of the spoof news/parody/satire story.

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