Discussion Forum

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Quote: Ellie James

Dressed as women? I didn't know Iain was there too...



Ellie

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I wasn't. I was dressed as a woman at home.

:Iain

I have a puncture repair kit, if you're inflatable stag is passing gas....

Just saying*

:Iain

*Attributed to Skoob

After being up and down yesterday, everything is super duper today.

It's difficult to portray in text, but I'm doing a one-man Mexican wave in celebration.

:Iain

I thought that somebody had stolen all the funny bits from my articles.

Then I remembered, I didn't put them in when I wrote them.

So it's all good.

:Iain

Having done this in the past for the Stalybridge Celtic site, can I just offer my condolences for a lost weekend now?

I've just been in Clintons, and there is a range of cards available:
Welcome to your new server
Congratulations on moving server
Condolences on losing everything you ever loved.

Any gap in the market :rolleyes:

Is it worth downloading my story collection?

Iain

I went in the Cappuccino monks' catacombs in Rome.

Bone dry in there, it was.

Iain

I'm not depressed at the moment. Would you like me to be?

Iain

I was on a moped chasing a white Fiat through a tunnel in Paris.

Iain

I have discovered the joys of downhill piano playing, and shall be doing this until the muse for spoofing returns.

Iain

Oh, here it comes. Good, it was hard on the arse all that tinkling the ivories.

Dear Mrs CJ,

My tool of choice in the garden is a chainsaw. Is this too much for my garden.

Especially as I do not have trees.

Well, not any more any way. Nor do my neighbours.

Iain

Happy Day We Lost the Colonies Day to all UK Spoofers.

Iain

It's Twitter's way of competing with Pintrest.

Pintrest started sending out emails saying "Hey, while you were having a life/taking a crap/contemplating suicide* you didn't see that the person you are following pinned a message that they were now eating only lettuce and added a video to prove it".

Twitter thought "That's a good idea, we'll do that" as Twitter is on Pinterest.

So now they send out emails about all the crap you didn't read because it was crap. Fortunately, you can opt out. Unfortunately, the opt out form is in a locked filing cabinet at the end of a dark, trap laden corridor, behind a door marked "Toxic waste, beware of the beaver.".

Hope that helps.

Iain

*Delete as appropriate, or use all of them.

In our house, it's known as 'Other Mother's Day'.

Clinton's don't do a card for that.

Iain

I'm as straight as a dog's hind leg.

Straight as a ten bob note.

Straight as strait can be.

Iain

His name was Tim E Traveller.

Glad to be of service [/hat doff]

Iain

I'm now 'out there'.

Did you want me to bring some milk back with me?

Iain

No

1. Do you have the number for the child support agency?

2. Oops.

3. Do we have any antibiotics. My tattoo has got infected.

Iain

I must admit I have ironed socks.

In my defence, it was an accident.

It was inside the pillow case.

I hadn't meant to iron the pillow case, I thought it was one of the towels.

Iain

The stupidest thieves in the world are the several men who spent six months digging a tunnel under Salford precinct to steal from an ATM that at most will hold £5,000, not once, but twice - and miss the first time.

This means that if there were eight men doing the job, working at night between 10pm and 4am (when there was nobody in the precinct to hear them), they would have got a few hundred quid each for half a years back breaking work.

They could have earned more in one week doing the night shift at a McDonald's drive through.

S.M.D.H.

Iain

That one act of kindness made a troubling time for the lady she drove to the beach more easier to bear.

She has done a beautiful thing, and deserves much praise. The end of life is hard on those around them, it can be harder still on those going through it. To know that you have had a delightful moment before hand eases the inevitable passage.

I'm sure the lady would tell her thank-you, if she could.

My deathbed wish is to be taught to play the violin like a virtuoso. I reckon that would take a good 12 months...

Iain

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Quote: armfeetandtoeWhere does one get bunion shoes?

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From the Bunion Shoe Shop.

Lame Response,
Frankly
Mydear

It is said when I realise I know more about mascara, stilettos and lipstick than American politics.

I share this trait with the last five presidents of the USA.

Iain

There once was a man from the Pru
Who covered his knob with glue
It is added insurance
So that his sticky lance
Doesn't come out when he's through.

(This was actually my wife's effort...)

Iain

I once bedded a girl from Crewe
Who filled her vagina with glue
In order to remove her
I needed a Hoover
And the help of a fireman or two

Iain