Discussion Forum

Sexually experienced xylophonists undergo arduous lip lengthening yawns.

Iain

Close love overcame secret enemies

Iain

Episode: Programmes invented so obese dieters expire.

Iain

Yog(h)urt obviously gets (hideous) undergraduates really tense.

Iain

Endoscopies neatly descend oesophagi, surgeons can observe people's insides extend southwards.

Iain

Nipples irritate peckish people licking excreted substances

Iain

Multitude upsets little tiny infants then upsets daddies everywhere.

Iain

Systematically you search through every magazine at the infirmary circling anybody looking like you

Iain

Five Star
Four Tops
Three Degrees
Two Unlimited
One Republic

Iain

I don't want to be a sperm bank.

Making a withdrawal is okay, but what happens if somebody wants to make a deposit?

Iain

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Quote: Roy Turse(my parents warned me about yellow snow)

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What's wrong with yellow snow? I think it tastes salty, and a bit lemony. I'd avoid the pink snow if I were you though, it tastes a bit metallic. And I've not eaten brown snow since I found out where it came from. I'd thought it was chocolate flavour.

Although don't tell me, as this may be one of the times I wished I had listened to my mother. Sorting out the wheat from the chaff was too much like hard work.

Yes thanks mum, I'm sure you do iron for 35 hours a day. Now rewind and tell me about non-white snow.

Iain

My favourite personal headline was: " Putin Pulls Out; Says Okey Dokey to his army's turnaround - because that's what it's all about"

However, if it's pandering for points you're after. Sex sells. Famous women sell. Nudity sells. So the headline: "Every famous woman goes full frontal during sex" would probably garner a lot of points. But you'd feel dirty after doing it. Especially if the story is about bicycles in Holland.

Iain

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Quote: Roy Turse

OK well I've done one now - thanks to IainB for the original idea - hope you don't mind...

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You'll be hearing from my lawyers! They found it funny too.



We had some in our back garden, so I Googled it, and discovered we are not alone... [cue X-files music]

Iain

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Quote: IN SEINEglockenspiel

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"Glockenspiel," lamented our cocky knave, "Everyone needs such precision in ethereal lyrics."

Iain

I annoyed my English teacher at school when she tried to tell us about the 'I before E except after C' rule.

I asked: "What about weird? Their? Being? Science?"

She gave me hard homework that night, let me tell you.

Spelling is not all it's kraked up 2b.

Iain

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Quote: birbee

Teeth: Enamel Encased Tissue; Hard.

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Hard and really dumb

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Quote: ChrisAshby13
I tried it for five minutes. It wasn't football; they were wearing helmets and catching balls.

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Are you sure you weren't watching Liverpool v Chelsea and looking at Petr Cech? Oh, you said catching balls. Right. It must have been the super bowel then.

Iain

I had six inches last night.

It's snowed quite heavily too.



Iain

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Quote: Jalapenoman

Because when you get under their thick skins, the players are green with envy at the money real football players make in the U.S.?

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Beckham's gone to Milan. That's halved the national cumulative wage for American Footballers.

Back to the original question: Is it they share an IQ score?

Iain

Is it because opposition fans chant:

"Come an avocado, if you think yer 'ard enuf!"

Iain

Perhaps we could play a new game: Guess what Skoob has done.

I'll go first

Skoob was the inspiration for Green Street, and was the leader of the gang that American bloke met.

Iain

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Quote: Monkey Woods

Well, if that's the way you're going to treat a kind offer like the one I made, I'll keep my offers to myself in future, thank you very much.

I'd already instructed me wife to go out to the garage to peel 1991's mud off me studs, and she's given 'em a right good polish. She'll be crestfallen when she hears me big chance has gone begging once more!

Just you wait, Iain. The day will come when you'll rue the decision to tell me you didn't want me in the heart of your defence.

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I rue it already.

You'd be my first name down on the team sheet. Anybody who still has mud on their boots after eighteen years must be the kind of player who gives more than 20%. I'm not saying our defender's are lazy, but they don't have mud on their studs from the match they've been in. Never mind 20 years old mud.

Unfortunately, they don't let me near the team sheet until it's all filled in*. I put your name forward to Steve Burr (the manager), and it seems he remembers you playing 'out front', and claimed you were the dirtiest defender he'd ever seen. And that you're mum was a hero for washing it off.

Iain

*Not strictly true - against Nantwich Burr had to check with me the name of one of the reserves we were fielding whilst we were sat in the bar and he was filling in the team sheet. I could have said "Iain Benson", and I might have got a game. I'm not a forward though**. That was an odd game. Nantwich had brought the wrong socks, and the game was nearly postponed. Somebody had his Sunday league team's socks in the boot of his car, and they wore them.

** In twenty years I've scored once, off a corner, but then I am a keeper.

It's okay - we've loaned a player from Altrincham called Alex Meechan. He's played for us before. It's like a "We'll buy your house and rent it back to you" scheme by Altrincham.

I don't know quite how he'll play centre half, being a winger and all. Perhaps we'll put the centre half we brought in, into the centre of defence instead of on the wing, which is where he has been playing. And we might move the midfielder out of defence, and into midfield. And then teach the strikers that the point of the game is to put the round thing in between the white rectangle without the bloke in green catching it and that it's all right if our keeper catches it once in a while.

Should be all right then.

Iain

P.S. Blue. by the way. 3pm. And if you see the rest of our defence in Betty's - give em a nudge and tell them they're supposed to be up the road.

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Quote: Monkey Woods

I can play centre-half.

Where are you on Saturday? I'll check if I'm available, but I might have to go into town in the morning to get the veg.

I'll let you know on Friday, OK?

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Couldn't be any worse...We're in Harrogate. There's a good veg market there on the last Saturday in the month.

Iain

No more than we deserved.

We need a centrehalf. Quickly.

Iain