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From General Discussion / Francois Dubois' US of A v Goddamn Limey Fags Quiz Of Doom
Posted 17 Nov 12 05:25

So what's the third highest mountain in the world?


It's Kangchenjunga - horrible avalanche threat - like Anapurna...

I'll have you know that Clivey and I scaled that mountain in half a day, drinking cans of Stella, eating hot dogs and even pausing on our summit attempt to change a headlight bulb in an Audi Quattro.

It's what we would have wanted.

Doyens come and go.

Mountains are just there.

Quite boring really,


From News Discussion / Florida Man Still In Line To Vote
Posted 17 Nov 12 03:55

I was eating a king prawn curry when I read this!

I almost choked!

My laptop is littered with prawn fragments!

Keyboard! Screen! The whole deal!

This story was so rip-snortingly hysterical that I don't think I'll ever be able to sleep again!

It's marvellous!

Everyone should read it!

By the Christ himself! I can't possibly big this story up enough! It's more gut bustingly funny than Monty Python's 'Parrot Sketch' Pete and Dud's 'Derek And Clive' and 'Fawlty Towers' rolled up in a big fluffy towel with 'The Office' and 'The Secret Policemen's Ball.'

I can barely type for laughing and spitting up bits of prawn curry...

Oh God...

I can't breathe now....

This story has done for me....

In fact I was so hysterically wiped out by this piece of comedic genius that I rated it with five thumbs, then registered under 28 new email identities and awarded it another 28 five stars!


I think I'm going into coronary arrest!

Can't stop laughing though!


Funniest thing since Liverpool tanking United at OT!



(Deceased. Probably diseased too.)

From News Discussion / BBC Launch Probe Into Bruce Forsyth "False Chin" Allegations
Posted 17 Nov 12 03:22
I agree absolutely.

It's just something you learn to live with. It would help that people who feel so strongly that they downgrade a relatively innocuous story would explain why.

But they won't.

They're inadequate. They just do it because they can.

It's to be expected that you'll get one star/thumb ratings if you mention a popular football team, or a popular celebrity and say things that fans of said team/star don't like.

Sadly, there are some warped people out there.

My best advice would be to dismiss the rater as a muppet.

A really crap muppet.

Ignore it mate. Trolls abound. Writers don't.



From News Discussion / BBC Launch Probe Into Bruce Forsyth "False Chin" Allegations
Posted 17 Nov 12 02:08
Certainly wasn't from me old boy. I say 'down with that sort of thing!'

But then, I would, because I've had my fair share too.

It makes one question the motivation behind such heinous deeds. I attribute it to a predilection for beating on people with total anonymity.

Name and shame the bastards!

That's what I say.

I've only ever one-starred/thumbed stories on two occasions in the four plus years I've been writing here. And on those accasions it was to prove a point.

Don't be dispirited by it. There seem to be throngs of messed up people on the internet who thrive on trying to hurt people with a degree of talent, in order to mask their own insecurities.

It's pathetic really.

Write on!


From General Discussion / The Add A Funny Clip Thread
Posted 16 Nov 12 04:45
Answer: It's bollocks.

Jacob's Crackers = Knackers.

Mind them on the rungs of Jacob's ladder.

Sorry chaps.


From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 15 Nov 12 05:33
Net empty tonight.

Speaks volumes....

Net empty tonight.

From News Discussion / Major retailers to put out barf buckets Thanksgiving afternoon
Posted 14 Nov 12 06:17
To be quite frank AB - no, it doesn't. It isn't remotely funny, or even vaguely disgusting - it's just aspartame.

It's utterly worthless.

Like a half hearted fart.

I would have refrained from commenting at all - but you started it.


Nice edit there. And it's 'Skoob'

Just sayin'

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 14 Nov 12 05:26
Dear Spoof,

To be quite frank, ask me if I give a frying fluck about absolutely anything? Answer:No.

I'm off to Deutschland for three days between Christmas and New Year.

In a five star hotel. With the love of me life.

Not to mention a meet up at the Coal Hole in some hovel called The Strand on December 15th.

Wherever that may be.

(Four quid from Waterloo on the Underground - that's where that is. And it's only one fucking stop. To Embankment. Unless you want to brave the elements and walk all that way across Waterloo Bridge...running the risk of having your snazzy fedora being blown off into the river - Ed)

Thanks Ed.

Not that I give a jumpin' jack flash - that's me sorted until next year!

Martin Shuttlecock

From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 11 Nov 12 01:46
Dear Spoof,

Having read in an article somewhere that the finest subversive internet stories emerge from the keyboards of the seriously demented in the wee small hours, this is just to let you know that I'm keeping an eye on you bastards.

One can never be too careful.


From General Discussion / A poll that really matters in today's world!
Posted 6 Nov 12 19:07

Speaking as a baldy, I find this extremely offensive to the follically challenged. Especially to my wife's previous husband. The baldy seafaring skate loving krunt.


Wasn't me!


From General Discussion / The Good Old Days
Posted 5 Nov 12 19:04
Praise the Lord and pass the Kleenex!

I'm filling up!



From News Discussion / The Incredible Hulk Opens Expanding Trousers Shop In Dorking
Posted 5 Nov 12 18:47
A sure fire compo winner if ever I saw one.

I say a sure fire compo winner if ever I saw one!

One thumb!




From General Discussion / Hurricane Sandy
Posted 30 Oct 12 23:10
Stay safe Gentlemen.

All the best.


From News Discussion / Ali Bullo To Remove The 'Big Jimmy' From Kebab Van Menus
Posted 28 Oct 12 20:35
Cheers Frankie.

Too easy to go OTT with a story like this. To be honest with you, I was once infatuated with an eleven year old girl. Mind you, I was the same age myself. I used to fantasize about rescuing her from a fire or some similar disaster.

I think her family moved to Australia.

I don't blame them.



From News Discussion / Ali Bullo To Remove The 'Big Jimmy' From Kebab Van Menus
Posted 28 Oct 12 14:24
Cheers mate



From General Discussion / Jimmy Savile
Posted 25 Oct 12 14:11
From General Discussion / Jimmy Savile
Posted 24 Oct 12 17:13
Who knows where it'll all end?




From General Discussion / Slavery, thats what it is, Slavery
Posted 24 Oct 12 17:09
You leave my missus out of this, you cad. She's good to me. Too good in fact. So good that she's got me typing this with a loaded gun aimed at my head.

I have to laugh...because she's a really crap shot.



From General Discussion / Dear Spoof
Posted 23 Oct 12 19:47
Dear Spoof

Please convey my thanks to Mr Hobbs.




From General Discussion / Waiting
Posted 23 Oct 12 17:47
I'm waiting to watch United v Braga in the CL. Been up since 5 this morning, and feeling a bit cream crackered, but once the match starts, I'll be waiting for bedtime.



Hup! Sorry....


From General Discussion / Which living or historic person would you like to bitch-slap?
Posted 23 Oct 12 17:37
Pyromaniacs? Blow em all up!



From Magazine Discussion / My life as a man #23
Posted 23 Oct 12 17:03
Only thing I can say is "Bravo!"

Read this. A fitting tribute to a lifelong friend.



From General Discussion / Which living or historic person would you like to bitch-slap?
Posted 23 Oct 12 16:24
Richard Madeley

Jimmy Savile

Michael Jackson

Jack The Ripper


Pontius Pilate

Jose Mourinho

Will Self

Salman Rushdie

Ian Hislop

And if I was a girl - not that I'd in any way condone violence against the fairer sex:

Princess Diana

Katie Price

Joan Collins

Denise Richards (The Agony Aunt from This Morning)

Kerry Katona

And if I was gay: Jimmy Summerville and that bloke I used to work with.



From General Discussion / Which living or historic person would you like to bitch-slap?
Posted 22 Oct 12 16:58
I'd bitch slap John Terry if I could. Trouble is, he's bigger than me, and younger than me, so he'd probably kick me head in and then chat the wife up.

Or something.



From General Discussion / Does Anyone Know....
Posted 22 Oct 12 15:56

Are you clicking the correct link? It's the one at the bottom which says: 'Didscuss This Story In The Forum'

Hope this helps.


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Any opinions expressed here are purely the opinions of the contributors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Spoof, its staff or the original writer of the spoof news/parody/satire story.

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Jack Van Gump
Jack Van Gump
Joined: 21 May 2004
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