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From News Discussion / Hull Set To Be Renamed 'Hell' As Part Of Tourism Drive
Posted 7 Jan 17 01:42
Message
Some day you may be on a bollard.


Quote: Monkey Woods

I know, I know, Vic, but I'm too busy scratching me knackers.


 
From News Discussion / Hull Set To Be Renamed 'Hell' As Part Of Tourism Drive
Posted 6 Jan 17 00:01
Message
Monkey

If this is not the official response it should be.

Have you considered writing advert copy?


Quote: Monkey Woods

Ah! Right, I'm glad you asked that! Well, where to start? Er, I suppose one would have to begin with ... er ... well, I think I should mention the er ... Hmmm, wait a minute, it's not so easy to think when you put me under intense pressure like that. Er, there's the various museums: Town Docks, Whaling, Transport, William Wilberforce House, Ferens Art Gallery, Amy Johnson statue, Philip Larkin statue, the Old Town (with cobbled streets), Queens Gardens, the magnificent Hull New Theatre and the better-known and world-renowned Hull Truck Theatre, and various shows, exhibitions and events being staged throughout 2017. Look at the website, y'lazy bastard.

From February, there's a COUM installation somewhere. You'll like this if you're a Throbbing Gristle enthusiast.

And, of course, who isn't.


 
From News Discussion / Hull Set To Be Renamed 'Hell' As Part Of Tourism Drive
Posted 5 Jan 17 02:26
Message
I am glad to be back on topic. So if one was to entertain visiting Hull to view the cultural aspects what would you recommend. No football allowed!


Quote: Monkey Woods

I have no information on this topic (laughs nervously).


On a related topic, The Sun 'newspaper' printed a scathing article on Hull on January 1st about which the residents of that great city are not entirely pleased. The report detailed how, on New Year's Eve, police were called to 'an incident' every 47 seconds (it must have been a quiet night, or raining). The Sun report attempted to portray Hull in the worst light possible, but its flairless writer rather 'watered down' the effect of the piece, with the news that, horror of horrors, "a drunk man in Bristol fell over at a bus stop", whilst "a man in Leeds was seen urinating up a wall".

And where else, you may ask, should one urinate during a night of debauchery on New Year' s Eve?

Those Southern jessies!


 
From News Discussion / Hull Set To Be Renamed 'Hell' As Part Of Tourism Drive
Posted 5 Jan 17 00:41
Message
Yes, BMW is probably wrong as well. But to bring us back to this thread, are the citizens of Hull as proficient at spelling as their friends in Thailand?

 
From News Discussion / Hull Set To Be Renamed 'Hell' As Part Of Tourism Drive
Posted 4 Jan 17 03:36
Message
One would expect locals in Thailand to take a Mulligan or two when it come to spelling the King's English.


Quote: Monkey Woods

My son, who still lives in Thailand, posted a picture on Facebook that he took in Bangkok of the signage outside a Tesco Lotus. The sign said

TESCO Lotns


Well, it was almost right.

Dullards.


 
From News Discussion / Hull Set To Be Renamed 'Hell' As Part Of Tourism Drive
Posted 4 Jan 17 01:05
Message
Your first love perhaps?


Quote: Erskin Quint

This is the best kind of Cortina, I think:

Lotus Cortina


 
From News Discussion / Hull Set To Be Renamed 'Hell' As Part Of Tourism Drive
Posted 3 Jan 17 02:18
Message
I meant a stripe from the centre of the front bumper to the centre of the rear bumper discontinuous as may be expected at the front and rear windshields.

Did Cortina have a football team as well?

 
From News Discussion / Hull Set To Be Renamed 'Hell' As Part Of Tourism Drive
Posted 2 Jan 17 22:42
Message
Did the Cortina have a black stripe down the middle?


Quote: Simon Saunders

I'm not sure about the tourism bollards, but, I do know the tourism drive has been conducted from the unrivalled luxury of the back seat of a 1979 Ford Cortina.

Much like the early courting days of me and the missus.


 
From News Discussion / Hull Set To Be Renamed 'Hell' As Part Of Tourism Drive
Posted 2 Jan 17 19:02
Message
Great but I was looking forward to more detail on the new tourist bollards.


Quote: Simon Saunders

Hull is now UK city of culture. This is why.


 
From News Discussion / Americant Airlines doesn't want you in the cabin
Posted 2 Jan 17 04:24
Message
So Monkey, let's say Mark has elevated to a higher plateau so to speak or has gone on an extended snorkelling vacation on the Platinum Coast of Barbados, would you volunteer in his absence to accept the slings and arrows directed towards Owership.

Be it as it may you have earned the spurs.



One day, of course, he will 'do a George Michael', and TheSpoof.com will be left in limbo, if that isn't what has already happened.

What will we do at that point? Nobody will know, with any degree of certainty, what the problem with the unchanging pages is. Will we just keep posting?

I had to ask.


 
From News Discussion / Americant Airlines doesn't want you in the cabin
Posted 1 Jan 17 23:29
Message
Sunwing pilot in Calgary for winter get away flight found slumped over inebriated in cockpit.

That's the problem with all inclusive packages, some can't wait to get to Mexico.

Has anyone heard from Mark lately?

 
From General Discussion / Carrie Fisher
Posted 1 Jan 17 00:29
Message
After the Apocalypse there will still be cockroaches, Keith Richards and Cher.


Quote: Erskin Quint

Yes, Keith Richards, of course; living in the past, knackered and under the weather (me, not Keef) - he was Keith Richard for a while wasn't he?

Him and Charlie Watt, eh?

I think Keef might keel over if he ever stops playing

Congratulations on being Featured Writer by the way! What a period this is for you, what with Hull being the City of Culture, innit?


 
From General Discussion / Carrie Fisher
Posted 1 Jan 17 00:27
Message
Monkey

I did see some pictures and cheeky graphics about this. What's the occasion for the makeover, was it your visit?




Quote: Monkey Woods

As you may remember, I was in Hull during November. The Council has been 'busy' giving the city centre 'a lick of paint' to hide reality. The main shopping areas have been cordoned off with orange and white bollards for over a year. Many businesses, who can ill afford it, have lost a lot of custom. The seemingly never-ending project has prompted a quick-witted and creative designer to start producing and selling a rather nice line of T-shirts bearing the message: "Hull, City of Culture 2017" and underneath this: "what a load of bollards".

Sums it up perfectly.


 
From News Discussion / Prisoner at Oregon State Penitentiary helps local murderer escape
Posted 31 Dec 16 00:19
Message
Yes of course, but this hardly holds a candle to the Sofa King advertisements, Sofa King good.


Quote: Monkey Woods

Did anyone notice, by the way, the unfortunate name the author of this story possesses? The author's name is Dixie Normous, but, said quickly, it could, quite reasonably be made to sound like 'Dick's enormous'.

Oh, how I chuckled at that.

I wonder if Mr Normous is aware of this.


 
From News Discussion / Prisoner at Oregon State Penitentiary helps local murderer escape
Posted 30 Dec 16 04:16
Message
They say you can do this at home.

 
From General Discussion / Carrie Fisher
Posted 29 Dec 16 05:44
Message
Oh Dear, these career moves are beyond me.

 
From General Discussion / Dolphin Watching
Posted 28 Dec 16 03:38
Message
Before going on vacation I practiced on my neighbours.

They did not seem to appreciate it, responded poorly to the chum and had poor vocalization.

 
From General Discussion / Carrie Fisher
Posted 28 Dec 16 02:28
Message
If you stop plucking your eyebrows that can happen. Some souls are more hirsute than others. Too much for some, not enough for others.

God's planning is imperfect at best. Creation seems to have been a bit rushed, I hope our maker had a stiff drink at the end of it.

 
From News Discussion / Prisoner at Oregon State Penitentiary helps local murderer escape
Posted 25 Dec 16 00:08
Message
So Rick Parfitt got his face back? This is madness.


Quote: Erskin Quint

The newspapers say this, apparently:

The Sun

It's not clear from the report exactly who won.

I don't know if this helps jog your memory?

compliments of the season

EQ


Quote: victor nicholas

Erskin

This is now a dim memory perhaps due to the Slivovica, I believe the north won the war. What do the newspapers say.


Quote: Erskin Quint

You were in Ljubljana before the American Civil War? Tell me, was old Kropotkin still the Mayor then? Or had Krempff succeeded him by that time?



Quote: victor nicholas

I quite enjoy tripe when prepared well. I had a delicious dish with tomato sauce in Ljubljana called Vampi at a restaurant near Hotel Slon prior to the civil war. It was quite enjoyable.


Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

I didn't mind the names being vacuous and puerile, the f..king story should have never been approved. Anyone who would write such egregious tripe should have his credentials pulled. In fact, if I were a horse, I would personally horse whip the jackass who approved this story.

Other than that, as long as the story was based on an actual incident, the author deserves some credit for sociopathic plagiarism.

I hope I didn't hurt anyone's feelings.

Dr. B






 
From General Discussion / Carrie Fisher
Posted 24 Dec 16 01:08
Message
Does Disney own the rights to her heart attack? Is an animated feature in the works?

 
From News Discussion / Prisoner at Oregon State Penitentiary helps local murderer escape
Posted 23 Dec 16 22:10
Message
Erskin

This is now a dim memory perhaps due to the Slivovica, I believe the north won the war. What do the newspapers say.


Quote: Erskin Quint

You were in Ljubljana before the American Civil War? Tell me, was old Kropotkin still the Mayor then? Or had Krempff succeeded him by that time?



Quote: victor nicholas

I quite enjoy tripe when prepared well. I had a delicious dish with tomato sauce in Ljubljana called Vampi at a restaurant near Hotel Slon prior to the civil war. It was quite enjoyable.


Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

I didn't mind the names being vacuous and puerile, the f..king story should have never been approved. Anyone who would write such egregious tripe should have his credentials pulled. In fact, if I were a horse, I would personally horse whip the jackass who approved this story.

Other than that, as long as the story was based on an actual incident, the author deserves some credit for sociopathic plagiarism.

I hope I didn't hurt anyone's feelings.

Dr. B




 
From News Discussion / Prisoner at Oregon State Penitentiary helps local murderer escape
Posted 17 Dec 16 20:33
Message
Dear Doctor

I must apologize as I do not have a recipe for egregious tripe.

The author in question seems to however.

Perhaps he or she might be willing to share it with you if you ask kindly.



Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

Doc, Your input is invaluable. Please send me your tripe recipe. My cat is getting tired of eating Merrick's turducken and grandma's special Thanksgiving feast.

It's nice that you agree with my critique of that story. Too little too late, however.


 
From News Discussion / Prisoner at Oregon State Penitentiary helps local murderer escape
Posted 17 Dec 16 00:24
Message

I quite enjoy tripe when prepared well. I had a delicious dish with tomato sauce in Ljubljana called Vampi at a restaurant near Hotel Slon prior to the civil war. It was quite enjoyable.


Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

I didn't mind the names being vacuous and puerile, the f..king story should have never been approved. Anyone who would write such egregious tripe should have his credentials pulled. In fact, if I were a horse, I would personally horse whip the jackass who approved this story.

Other than that, as long as the story was based on an actual incident, the author deserves some credit for sociopathic plagiarism.

I hope I didn't hurt anyone's feelings.

Dr. B


 
From General Discussion / Sommelier
Posted 3 Dec 16 02:56
Message
1. Expert in sleeping.
2. Wine expert.
3. Expert in wine and then sleeping.

 
From News Discussion / King Rufus Found Buried Under Parking Lot Near Beaulieu Motor Museum
Posted 21 Nov 16 04:12
Message
I find it difficult to mark these student essays

 
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