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From News Discussion / Trump to Persecute People Who Say "Happy Holidays"
Posted 22 Feb 17 00:31
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This missive made the list off most outrageous Fake News about Trump on Fake News Checker. Other stories by this writer seem to be all about Trump in less than complementary terms.

 
From General Discussion / Owls of the World I: The Lesser Sooty Owl
Posted 20 Feb 17 22:43
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The bomb whistle owl call would make a good ring tone.

 
From General Discussion / National Security Advisor Wanted
Posted 20 Feb 17 00:13
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I am not sure if the FBI is on the case but the New Yorker has some well written articles on this subject and the current president.

 
From General Discussion / National Security Advisor Wanted
Posted 18 Feb 17 05:25
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Wonderful!

I enjoy the Westminster Dog Show, will you be walking the dogs this year?


Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

Sorry! I am waiting for the Animal Husbandry position to be opened up. Just between you and me, it's just another job, but someone has to step up and do it.


 
From General Discussion / National Security Advisor Wanted
Posted 18 Feb 17 00:03
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OK you're in, next!



Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

Dr. B once held a TOP SECRET clearance. My bonafides also include not 10, not 11, but 12 doctorates. If needed, I could easily exchange one of them for a doctorate in Russian languages, with a certificate proclaiming my completion of language studies of all Russian dialects with the exception of Ural Mountain Swahili. This particular dialect is still used by descendants of the Kenyan slaves who were brought to Russia to do jobs that Bolsheviks wouldn't.

Though eminently qualified, I will refuse the job.


 
From General Discussion / National Security Advisor Wanted
Posted 17 Feb 17 03:15
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Any takers?

Free Russian lessons.

 
From General Discussion / Photographs of Borscht
Posted 16 Feb 17 01:41
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Hmmm, seems like an application question for CIA agents requesting placement in Russsia or Trump's cabinet.

 
From General Discussion / Apple's Tim Cook Says Fake News Destroys Minds
Posted 11 Feb 17 18:13
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Hmmm, no evidence of that here. Should we issue a formal response?


 
From General Discussion / Heavy Vetting
Posted 11 Feb 17 03:25
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Trump says he is into this, it may arouse the media, but who am I to judge.

 
From General Discussion / Stormy Weather
Posted 31 Jan 17 00:50
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Weather man is attracted to weather lady.

Will obvious climate small talk be off limits as shop talk and preempt romance or escalate immediately to a stormy cumulo nimbus level?

 
From News Discussion / Hull Set To Be Renamed 'Hell' As Part Of Tourism Drive
Posted 7 Jan 17 01:42
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Some day you may be on a bollard.


Quote: Monkey Woods

I know, I know, Vic, but I'm too busy scratching me knackers.


 
From News Discussion / Hull Set To Be Renamed 'Hell' As Part Of Tourism Drive
Posted 6 Jan 17 00:01
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Monkey

If this is not the official response it should be.

Have you considered writing advert copy?


Quote: Monkey Woods

Ah! Right, I'm glad you asked that! Well, where to start? Er, I suppose one would have to begin with ... er ... well, I think I should mention the er ... Hmmm, wait a minute, it's not so easy to think when you put me under intense pressure like that. Er, there's the various museums: Town Docks, Whaling, Transport, William Wilberforce House, Ferens Art Gallery, Amy Johnson statue, Philip Larkin statue, the Old Town (with cobbled streets), Queens Gardens, the magnificent Hull New Theatre and the better-known and world-renowned Hull Truck Theatre, and various shows, exhibitions and events being staged throughout 2017. Look at the website, y'lazy bastard.

From February, there's a COUM installation somewhere. You'll like this if you're a Throbbing Gristle enthusiast.

And, of course, who isn't.


 
From News Discussion / Hull Set To Be Renamed 'Hell' As Part Of Tourism Drive
Posted 5 Jan 17 02:26
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I am glad to be back on topic. So if one was to entertain visiting Hull to view the cultural aspects what would you recommend. No football allowed!


Quote: Monkey Woods

I have no information on this topic (laughs nervously).


On a related topic, The Sun 'newspaper' printed a scathing article on Hull on January 1st about which the residents of that great city are not entirely pleased. The report detailed how, on New Year's Eve, police were called to 'an incident' every 47 seconds (it must have been a quiet night, or raining). The Sun report attempted to portray Hull in the worst light possible, but its flairless writer rather 'watered down' the effect of the piece, with the news that, horror of horrors, "a drunk man in Bristol fell over at a bus stop", whilst "a man in Leeds was seen urinating up a wall".

And where else, you may ask, should one urinate during a night of debauchery on New Year' s Eve?

Those Southern jessies!


 
From News Discussion / Hull Set To Be Renamed 'Hell' As Part Of Tourism Drive
Posted 5 Jan 17 00:41
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Yes, BMW is probably wrong as well. But to bring us back to this thread, are the citizens of Hull as proficient at spelling as their friends in Thailand?

 
From News Discussion / Hull Set To Be Renamed 'Hell' As Part Of Tourism Drive
Posted 4 Jan 17 03:36
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One would expect locals in Thailand to take a Mulligan or two when it come to spelling the King's English.


Quote: Monkey Woods

My son, who still lives in Thailand, posted a picture on Facebook that he took in Bangkok of the signage outside a Tesco Lotus. The sign said

TESCO Lotns


Well, it was almost right.

Dullards.


 
From News Discussion / Hull Set To Be Renamed 'Hell' As Part Of Tourism Drive
Posted 4 Jan 17 01:05
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Your first love perhaps?


Quote: Erskin Quint

This is the best kind of Cortina, I think:

Lotus Cortina


 
From News Discussion / Hull Set To Be Renamed 'Hell' As Part Of Tourism Drive
Posted 3 Jan 17 02:18
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I meant a stripe from the centre of the front bumper to the centre of the rear bumper discontinuous as may be expected at the front and rear windshields.

Did Cortina have a football team as well?

 
From News Discussion / Hull Set To Be Renamed 'Hell' As Part Of Tourism Drive
Posted 2 Jan 17 22:42
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Did the Cortina have a black stripe down the middle?


Quote: Simon Saunders

I'm not sure about the tourism bollards, but, I do know the tourism drive has been conducted from the unrivalled luxury of the back seat of a 1979 Ford Cortina.

Much like the early courting days of me and the missus.


 
From News Discussion / Hull Set To Be Renamed 'Hell' As Part Of Tourism Drive
Posted 2 Jan 17 19:02
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Great but I was looking forward to more detail on the new tourist bollards.


Quote: Simon Saunders

Hull is now UK city of culture. This is why.


 
From News Discussion / Americant Airlines doesn't want you in the cabin
Posted 2 Jan 17 04:24
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So Monkey, let's say Mark has elevated to a higher plateau so to speak or has gone on an extended snorkelling vacation on the Platinum Coast of Barbados, would you volunteer in his absence to accept the slings and arrows directed towards Owership.

Be it as it may you have earned the spurs.



One day, of course, he will 'do a George Michael', and TheSpoof.com will be left in limbo, if that isn't what has already happened.

What will we do at that point? Nobody will know, with any degree of certainty, what the problem with the unchanging pages is. Will we just keep posting?

I had to ask.


 
From News Discussion / Americant Airlines doesn't want you in the cabin
Posted 1 Jan 17 23:29
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Sunwing pilot in Calgary for winter get away flight found slumped over inebriated in cockpit.

That's the problem with all inclusive packages, some can't wait to get to Mexico.

Has anyone heard from Mark lately?

 
From General Discussion / Carrie Fisher
Posted 1 Jan 17 00:29
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After the Apocalypse there will still be cockroaches, Keith Richards and Cher.


Quote: Erskin Quint

Yes, Keith Richards, of course; living in the past, knackered and under the weather (me, not Keef) - he was Keith Richard for a while wasn't he?

Him and Charlie Watt, eh?

I think Keef might keel over if he ever stops playing

Congratulations on being Featured Writer by the way! What a period this is for you, what with Hull being the City of Culture, innit?


 
From General Discussion / Carrie Fisher
Posted 1 Jan 17 00:27
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Monkey

I did see some pictures and cheeky graphics about this. What's the occasion for the makeover, was it your visit?




Quote: Monkey Woods

As you may remember, I was in Hull during November. The Council has been 'busy' giving the city centre 'a lick of paint' to hide reality. The main shopping areas have been cordoned off with orange and white bollards for over a year. Many businesses, who can ill afford it, have lost a lot of custom. The seemingly never-ending project has prompted a quick-witted and creative designer to start producing and selling a rather nice line of T-shirts bearing the message: "Hull, City of Culture 2017" and underneath this: "what a load of bollards".

Sums it up perfectly.


 
From News Discussion / Prisoner at Oregon State Penitentiary helps local murderer escape
Posted 31 Dec 16 00:19
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Yes of course, but this hardly holds a candle to the Sofa King advertisements, Sofa King good.


Quote: Monkey Woods

Did anyone notice, by the way, the unfortunate name the author of this story possesses? The author's name is Dixie Normous, but, said quickly, it could, quite reasonably be made to sound like 'Dick's enormous'.

Oh, how I chuckled at that.

I wonder if Mr Normous is aware of this.


 
From News Discussion / Prisoner at Oregon State Penitentiary helps local murderer escape
Posted 30 Dec 16 04:16
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They say you can do this at home.

 
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