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From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 29 Mar 17 00:22
Message
Monkey

I am no so sure you are correct in your assumption. The US is a big country with many regional vocal patterns and figures of speech that can be endearing or apparent to others but less so to natives of the area.

My favourite is the diphthong used by those in the upper Midwest which bends vowels turning the word Pam into a two syllable pronounced Pa-em.


Quote: Monkey Woods

Dear Sir,

As a resident of the wonderful country of Canadia, you may be able to answer a query I have about the English language as it is 'spoken' in our former colonies.

In England, horse enthusiasts often go horse-riding.

In the United States of America, this hobby is known as 'horseback riding'.

Can you explain, in not more than twenty words, the necessity for the word 'back' to be attached to the word 'horse', please?

Surely, there can reasonably be only one area of the horse that can be ridden! Or am I missing something?


Thanking you in advance,

Capt. Beevers Randall-Hopkirk
Sandhurst


 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 28 Mar 17 02:08
Message
Don't forget to sweep up after the flogging. We'll need the horsehair for stuffing later.

 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 27 Mar 17 00:12
Message
I am not sure if a CV is necessary good doctor. I can vouch for Mr. Woods good character by saying he is a good character.


Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

Monkey: Before we get too far into this, would like to check out your curriculum vitae to see if you got the right stuff for this procedure. Considering curing her buttocks with oil of persimmon to take out cottage cheese stretch marks. What say you?


 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 26 Mar 17 13:34
Message
I am very pleased that Monkey Woods has joined the group, shredding his stories will go a long way to stuffing her arse.

 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 26 Mar 17 13:22
Message
Thank you Mr. Woods.

This is a large specimen and additional collaboration is welcome fortunately the Kardashian talent for attracting attention by doing nothing assists the endeavour.

 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 25 Mar 17 21:47
Message
I understand your concern. We may have a chance to finish stuffing the specimen if Monkey volunteers to shred a hard copy of his oevre and donate it to the cause.

 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 25 Mar 17 20:27
Message
Dear Doctor,

A very clever twinned response, bravo!

 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 25 Mar 17 15:31
Message
Dear Doctor

Just to clarify things, you only need to flock her backside so this may be more enjoyable than you may have anticipated.

To be more realistic I suggest mounting her in a prone position.


Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

Why do I have to do the flocking? Apparently you like to delegate the dirty work out. I do like your idea of hanging a chain from her belly button though. Most importantly, do you want her mounted standing or in a prone position?


 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 25 Mar 17 00:58
Message
Dear Doctor

As kindred spirits and fellow practitioners I suggest you take the honours of flocking the Kardashian while I will make an oval brass plate identifying the piece engraved in palace script. While I usually eschew overly showy presentations considering the subject matter I suggest suspending the brass identification plate from her belly button ornament with a small brass chain.

Your thoughts on this would of course be greatly appreciated in advance of any artistic endeavour taking place for the greater good of all concerned.

As you know the utmost discretion is required in this matter as always.


Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

Doc.....You have once more humbled me with your iconic approach to the art of Taxidermy. From now on, I suggest we collaborate on these projects. Allow me to do the actual mounting while you do the plaques. Perhaps someone with artistic lineage might volunteer to do the filigree.

I look forward to our next project.

Very respectfully,

Dr. B


 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 24 Mar 17 01:29
Message
I was thinking a more traditional approach using an elongated varnished block of mahogany with flocking to the backside complete with a brass nameplate engraved in palace script.


Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

Are you suggesting mountophilia? Ethically, that could pose a problem. Taxidermists are held to a much higher standard than morticians.


 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 19 Mar 17 23:10
Message
She is already stuffed so the mounting process would be greatly simplified.


Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

Doc, Just between you and me, if I had the opportunity, I would mount her in my den; taxidermally speaking, of course.


 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 19 Mar 17 18:25
Message
Here! Here!

Well spoken dear Doctor.


Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

If not for extra-large buttocks, ramshackle ovaries and clapboard breasts, the Kardashians would be just another story in the dustbin of celebrity history.


 
From General Discussion / Cyber Security
Posted 17 Mar 17 21:17
Message
After great physical exertions I am proud to announce that I have successfully installed Vauban Fortifications on my computer.

I am now free from siege viruses including Mangonel, Onager, Ballista, Trebuchet, Petard and Gastraphetes for up to several months at a time contingent on my fortitude, faith in God, temperance and supply of sweet drinking water.

 
From General Discussion / Appeal
Posted 17 Mar 17 00:20
Message
Snarky Puppy would be a good name for a band because it is.

 
From General Discussion / Brain Surgery
Posted 16 Mar 17 02:52
Message
Perhaps Trump will repeal brain surgery and replace it with Taxidermy.



Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

Brain surgery is not for hacks. However, most taxidermists can do it in their sleep if given the chance. Currently, the AMA controls most medical procedures in order to make it impossible for other professionals to make a decent living. I believe that President Trump will recognize the Taxidermy profession for what it is; potentially the way to provide easy access to brain surgery before the condition is diagnosed by your spouse.


 
From General Discussion / Statues Made of Soil
Posted 16 Mar 17 02:19
Message
According to Mark Carney, hereward is the new direction for the British economy, somewhere between forward and backward.


Quote: Monkey Woods

Sirs,

Perhaps you could lend your assistance with regard to an enquiry I have on the subject of Hereward the Wake.

It is this: pronunciation of 'Hereward'.

I am confused as to whether I should be saying

1) 'Here' as in 'in this place', and therefore rhyming with those rwo things on the side of my head which enable me to decipher sound, or

2) 'Here' as in the word 'Hereford', the well-known English settlement whose football team were responsible for the 1972 FA Cup giantkilling defeat of Newcastle United.

Please advise.

In earnest,

Walther Mithy
Sithingbourne


 
From General Discussion / Brain Surgery
Posted 16 Mar 17 00:42
Message
I like to keep an open mind on the subject.

 
From General Discussion / Statues Made of Soil
Posted 15 Mar 17 23:26
Message
Hereward's uncle, does not appear to have been related to either Leofric or Godiva or Hereward himself.

- Wikepedia

 
From General Discussion / 7 Years On
Posted 14 Mar 17 23:57
Message
Spoken in the lexicon of my Denny Dooster character.


Quote: Erskin Quint

Why the story about Mr Twaddle is splendid and heart-warming. After a difficult day, it has fairly warmed the cockles of me heart.

It contains a lesson for us all, each to his own learning thereof, I would go so far as to vouchsafe.

Told with your usual economy, vivid verisimilitude and hefty slices of non sequitur. A real treat.


 
From General Discussion / Why Is Sanger Rainsford Being Vilified By Liberals Today?
Posted 14 Mar 17 22:58
Message
Did you try running it through the anagrammer?

 
From General Discussion / Eithiopian Rubbish Landslide Kills 48
Posted 14 Mar 17 04:11
Message
To be true there would have been an immense tower of rubbish and why would so many Ethiopians have put themselves at risk in such a perilous condition.

There are many unanswered questions to be sure, 1930's radio organ blast.

 
From General Discussion / Eithiopian Rubbish Landslide Kills 48
Posted 12 Mar 17 21:06
Message
Hmmm, I wonder if there is any danger of this happening here.

Is there still an approval backlog?

 
From General Discussion / Ways To Avoid Becoming a Corpse
Posted 6 Mar 17 23:45
Message
Trump seems to have lost the eastern hemisphere of his brain but it has not changed him whatsoever.


Quote: Erskin Quint

There are people who have lost a hemisphere of their brain and yet they remain the same 'person'. Or do they?


 
From General Discussion / Ways To Avoid Becoming a Corpse
Posted 5 Mar 17 20:36
Message
I met a man who had his heart replaced with a pump.

He did not speak of death but of his pump possibly stopping which could be replaced similar to having your car serviced and just as easily performed.

It seemed an unappealing choice.

 
From General Discussion / Ways To Avoid Becoming a Corpse
Posted 5 Mar 17 03:21
Message
If even a small percentage of us succeeded in avoiding becoming a corpse it would become very crowded here.

 
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