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From General Discussion / Britain Runs Out of Chicken
Posted 21 Feb 18 20:58
Hens. Not chicken.

Spangled orpingtons are my favourites.

From General Discussion / Britain Runs Out of Chicken
Posted 20 Feb 18 21:21
Don't panic. We've still got the pantomime geese.

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 19 Feb 18 20:14
Sussurating under stormy skies, umbrellas rustle and tremble in New Guinea.

From General Discussion / New Olympic Sports
Posted 19 Feb 18 20:07
Dear Mr Cockface,

Never mind dogs.

What about pantomime horses and geese?

Just imagine the figure-skating if pantomime horses could take part.

And the geese would liven up the ice hockey.

Yours sincerely,

Napoleon Bonaparte

PS The pantomime cow! How could I forget Daisy the counting pantomime cow? No wonder I lost to that daft get Nelson and that fat bastard Wellington! Daisy would certainly bring a certain je ne sais quoi to the speed-skating.

From General Discussion / New Olympic Sports
Posted 18 Feb 18 18:02
Dear Spoff,

I think the ski jumpers should all dress like Isambard Kingdom Brunel.

And the bobsleigh team should dress like the Flintstones and in the Luge they should be dressed as penguins.

Your faithfully,

Mahatma Ghandi (not Gandhi - he was busy - he works part-time on the Eastbourne Miniature Steam Railway Adventure Park as a miniature station-master (he kneels down and has false shoes on his knees like actors do when they pretend to be Toulouse-Lautrec) - so they got me instead as the next best thing).

From News Discussion / Chuckle Brothers "breaking" out to pursue serious drama role
Posted 17 Feb 18 21:12
Dear Spf,

I wish to register my extreme approval of this article. It has just the right level of bathos and is quite well written. Not to mention irony. Jolly well done whoever you are.

The Cunt of Monte Cristo

PS there's smthing wrong with the typewriter they have given me in here, it keeps missing the letter out.

From News Discussion / Math Teacher Unaware that Puns Aren't Cool Anymore
Posted 17 Feb 18 20:47
Your reply was better than the story, which is disappointingly devoid of verbal puns, let alone genuine mathematical ones.

Quote: Purple Girl

He should be committed, as math puns are one of the first sines of madness...

From News Discussion / Lempit Opik to give Donald Trump careers advice
Posted 17 Feb 18 20:44
I do agree. Quite remarkable invention.

Quote: victor nicholas

This is one of the finest stories ever posted on The Spoof. Clearly hall of fame material, right up with Erskine's treatise on Isambard Kingdom Brunel.

Quote: Mark

I found this on Wikipedia.

Lempit Opik (1879-1930) was a manufacturer of biscuits from the German city of Ausberg in south-west Bavaria. Son of Lemartz Opik, the inventor of the cheese grater, and his African-born mother Pitah, Lempit takes his name as a compound of the first syllables of his parents, as is the tradition in Germany.

His father, a Frenchman by birth, was determined his son should have access to the high-quality education he was denied in his youth in France. Accordingly, when Lempit was eight, he was apprenticed to McVitie's in Edinburgh, Scotland, where he learned the classics. Namely, flour, butter and sugar. Lempit excelled in all aspects of biscuit manufacture and, at the age of 13, he invented the digestive biscuit, but his recipe was stolen by a man who would go on to become his arch-enemy, Alexander Grant.

On his father's death in 1895, the young Opik left McVitie's and returned to his native home. With the inheritance from his father's cheese grater legacy, Lempit set up his own biscuit manufacturing plant in Bavaria. Enjoying only moderate success in his lifetime, Lempit was beset with industrial saboteurs and many of his original inventions, including the Fig Roll and Jaffa Cake, were stolen before he could profit by them.

This all culminated, when, at the age of 51, Lempit was found murdered in his office. He had been working on a secret recipe for a new product made of two chocolate biscuits, sandwiched with chocolate cream, and then covered in milk chocolate. Opik had named the new biscuit a Reticulated Giraffe (in his native German, Netzgiraffe), after his mother's favourite animal. Product development was well underway with packaging designs featuring beautiful pictures of proud reticulated giraffes in the wild, and even a marketing slogan, "Nimm einen Netzgiraffe" (Pick up a reticulated giraffe).

Investigations into Opik's death centred around a young apprentice at Lempit's biscuit factory, a Scotsman from Glasgow named William McDonald. McDonald had worked closely with Opik during his apprenticeship and was the last man to see Lempit alive, but no conclusive evidence could be found to link McDonald with Opik's death.

Soon after the killing, McDonald went back to Glasgow and set up his own biscuit firm with funding from Sir Alexander Grant. From 1932, McDonald began production of the famous Penguin biscuit.

From General Discussion / New Olympic Sports
Posted 17 Feb 18 20:42
Are goats involved? If not, they should be.

From News Discussion / Lempit Opik to give Donald Trump careers advice
Posted 14 Feb 18 20:17
Two things:

  1. This story is far too long.
  2. Wow! Let's make '"Nimm einen Netzgiraffe" (Pick up a reticulated giraffe).' the Spoof Mission Statement! You know it makes Sense!

I think Reticulated Giraffes could well become this year's Thing.

From General Discussion / Football
Posted 14 Feb 18 20:06
Some wonderful goats to enjoy there, Gary. Very much so, in fact.

And now back to tonight's match, with the Aris Salonika goatkeeper keeping Bayern at bay almost single-handedly, as his team cling on to their slender single-goat advantage.

And let's not forget that Aris still hold that precious away goat.

Yes indeed. Mind you, it might have been a different story if Robben hadn't spurned that second-minute open goat, Alan. The goat was gaping. Oh yes indeed.

Quote: Monkey Woods

"Jumpers for goatposts."

"And, I don't know what you think, Brian, but that third goat was really something special."

"Chelsea in full flow now, and bearing down on the Burnley goat."

Yes, I see how this could work...

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 14 Feb 18 19:53
Extraterrestrials' xylophones tinkled relentlessly at the entrance, restlessly reverberating Earthward so that recording-devices in Alaska lay sussurating.

From General Discussion / Elon Musk
Posted 11 Feb 18 17:07
Maybe this is the equivalent of Dorian Gray's picture, only in reverse.

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 10 Feb 18 18:56
Ketchup every time: chutney hospitalised Uncle Peregrine!

From General Discussion / Falcon heavy rocket
Posted 10 Feb 18 18:52
Sounds like a space-age Native American.

From General Discussion / Football
Posted 10 Feb 18 18:52
Of course they have walking football now.

Now if that were to be adopted professionally worldwide, that would be quite something.

At present, it's only the English team that plays it.

From Magazine Discussion / The Door Of Opportunity Hangs On Small Hinges
Posted 10 Feb 18 18:49
I think it was beginning to eat into the fabric of spacetime. If it had been left, who knows? The Spoof might have been the source of a serendipitous discovery of a mode of time travel.

It might have been like the discovery of fire or the wheel.

We'll never know now.

From General Discussion / Elon Musk
Posted 10 Feb 18 18:46
Now that's good!

Quote: Sir Geoffroy Cockface

New Cologne will be the capital of Mars.

From General Discussion / Elon Musk
Posted 10 Feb 18 18:45
Bob Smith

From General Discussion / Football
Posted 7 Feb 18 20:18
Why not watch grass roots football, sorry, foolball.

Quote: Jaggedone

The Flat Cap Army has been replaced by the Fat Cat Army in the Premier League, and footy, once the sport of the working class, has become the sport of elitist scumbags scavenging off our love of the game...

It is astonishing that working class people still flock to see this elitist, multi-millionaire freak show, where the financial SKY is the limit for kicking a fucking ball for 90 minutes!

I have developed a "love-hate" relationship to the game because I'm too fucking old to stop watching the over-hyped crap that modern day players produce! I feel like I'm a hooked junkie!

EQ, watching a bunch of mountain goats clinging to a cliff edge can be more entertaining sometimes...And more therapeutic...

From General Discussion / Football
Posted 6 Feb 18 21:34
Football would be more entertaining if they replaced the 'l' in goal with a 't'.**

Goatkeeper. A great goat, a spectacular goat, an own goat.

The goatkeeper's jersey. A goat kick. The goat line. The goatscorer.

Goat difference, eg Chesterfield are above Port Vale on goat difference.

Barrow beat Wrexham by three goats to two.

Good grief! Jenkins thunders a shot against the goatpost!

It's goats that count.

And so on.

** Or replaced the 't' in foot with an 'l'. Foolball anyone?

From News Discussion / Hillary Clinton Named Proper President of United States
Posted 5 Feb 18 18:35
I lost the will to live somewhere between Chappaqua and cheeseburger.

My life already.

From General Discussion / Gilgamesh
Posted 5 Feb 18 18:32
Just sayin'.

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 5 Feb 18 18:29
Honestly, one Nazi equals several Trotskyist lefty yeasayers.

From Magazine Discussion / The Door Of Opportunity Hangs On Small Hinges
Posted 4 Feb 18 21:30

" I have a very large fond of writing student work"

That's what they all say.

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Any opinions expressed here are purely the opinions of the contributors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Spoof, its staff or the original writer of the spoof news/parody/satire story.

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