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From News Discussion / Roger Ailes Takes Over The Spoof, Writers Replaced By Robots
Posted 30 Aug 16 14:35
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Lovely. Well-written and punchy.

Those robots are coming up with some good ideas. Where can I get one?

 
From General Discussion / Animals
Posted 28 Aug 16 13:20
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Does a cow take a bow?
Will a horse sue for divorce?
Does a pig dance a jig?
Can a cat sport a top hat?
Does a fish make a wish?
Will an axlotl hit the bottle?
Can a llama script a drama?
Do rabbits have habits?
Will the komodo dragon raise a flagon?




 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 25 Aug 16 20:18
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Eyewitness yawns. Eyewitness, weary, is tired.

Now, eyewitness sleeps soundly.

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 23 Aug 16 19:38
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"Knockers! New oak coated knockers! Easter reductions! Sale!"

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 22 Aug 16 22:01
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Suspended, under suspicion, priest eats noodles, dreading each daybreak.

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 20 Aug 16 18:35
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Garters are rather titillating, encompassing red stockings.

 
From General Discussion / The Bearded Adder of the Zambezi
Posted 20 Aug 16 18:33
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The deadly Bearded Adder of the Zambezi was discovered, not by M. Hercule Leitmotif, but by accident in 1853, when Bertram Huysmans-Paffle, who was attempting to navigate Lake Kariba in a Welsh coracle, anchored for the night and disturbed one while he was dressing for dinner.

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 20 Aug 16 12:07
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Nunnery undermines Nuneaton nun's ecstacy: religious yawning.

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 18 Aug 16 19:55
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Millions idolise lesbian lovers in old nun sensation.

 
From General Discussion / Bottle-Nosed Wombats
Posted 18 Aug 16 19:52
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Dear Mr Monkey,

this is not the first time that my veracity has been impugned. Indeed, the querulous voices of the hoi polloi are to me what the horripilating shrieks of the pygmy buffalo-mouse must be to the aboriginal, when, his belly replete with rancid kangaroo meat, he settles himself to sleep in the terrible red evenings of the Queensland bush.

A more careful reader of my previous epistle would have discerned that at no point does it claim that the Bottle-Nosed Wombat is a denizen of Iceland, nor that Hercule Leitmotif would stoop so far as to invent a species of marsupial.

Msr Leitmotif is a man who has been known to play many parts, but inventor of spurious wombat strains is not one of them.

He discovered the Bottle-Nosed Wombat amid the groves of eucalypt on an expedition to Tasmania and Queensland, where he had travelled, in the guise of daffodil connoisseur Archduke Ninian Kwaak de Groote, as companion to the Prussian kangaroo-hunter Baron Adelbert Stoppleganger III, the Hereditary Draffen Meningenhesse of Pluffen.

Google is hardly an authority, if one wishes to transcend the idiot masses. My bible in these matters is no less an oracle than Lord Manticore's Marsupial Miscellany. There the discerning reader can learn of such wonders as the Satchelled Toad, Biddlecombe's Sighing Wallaby, and the Dancing Mice of Warra Warra.

Yours sincerely

E Quint

 
From General Discussion / Bottle-Nosed Wombats
Posted 17 Aug 16 19:57
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Just one of the many things discovered by Hercule Leitmotif, croquet champion and companion of Corsican explorer Tesco Van Morrison on his search for the lost vineyards of Iceland.

 
From General Discussion / Hatriatism
Posted 16 Aug 16 20:28
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This is splendid.

Perhaps hat are discovered in rather subtle ways, rather than invented.

It was the Corsican explorer, Tesco Van Morrison, who first discovered the Bombobobongo folk of Western Guinea, who traversed the dusty plains of their homeland on wooden tricycles and who worshipped Charles Townshend, 2nd Viscount Townshend, the man more popularly known as 'Turnip' Townshend for his interest in agriculture, for example his promotion of the adoption of the Norfolk four course system, involving rotation of turnips, barley, clover and wheat crops.

What was most remarkable about the Bombobobongo folk was their hats, a crate of which Tesco Van Morrison brought back to Europe with him.

The hats slowly gained a fanbase in Britain, and a few years after all this, it was the stage adaptation of George du Maurier's novel Trilby which gave this hat its now-popular name.

 
From General Discussion / Olympic ceremony?
Posted 16 Aug 16 20:09
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Nude female wrestling, absolutely. Nude female anything, actually.

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 16 Aug 16 20:08
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News: every wanker's sensationalism.

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 14 Aug 16 19:37
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Lost octogenarian steals train.

 
From General Discussion / Hatriatism
Posted 14 Aug 16 19:34
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Now, that's better. Now the hats are coming out at last.

And yet. What kind of hat? The devil is in the detail.


Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

Big hat. No cattle.


 
From General Discussion / Hatriatism
Posted 14 Aug 16 19:32
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Yes, jolly good result for the Tigers, but no hat-tricks there, I would have thought.


Quote: Monkey Woods

Hull City 2 Leicester City 1


 
From General Discussion / Hatriatism
Posted 13 Aug 16 14:46
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Hat tricks aren't really and truly a matter of hats though, are they?

Even if you are a magician, pulling rabbits and doves out of top hats (and, incidentally, what's so clever about that? let's see them pull an alligator or an enraged hippo out of a hat; now that would be worth seeing), it's not about the hat, is it?

It is high time the hat was placed centre stage.

Come one, make an effort.

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 13 Aug 16 14:42
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Nausea: all unwell. Sickness encompassing all.

 
From General Discussion / Olympic ceremony?
Posted 13 Aug 16 14:41
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penguin bobsleigh

synchronised tweeting

slow 100 metre dash

porridge throwing

three-legged judo

unicycle team pursuit



 
From General Discussion / Olympic ceremony?
Posted 12 Aug 16 20:48
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Ah, halcyon days indeed. A few more:

The spontaneous combustion relay;

Freestyle cat-staring;

the Dandified Marathon, in which spats, a cravat and Malacca Cane-twirling were compulsory, and competitors had to whistle "Little Dolly Daydream, Pride of Idaho" throughout;

Four-man snuff-taking;

the 3000 metre sideways steeplechase;

Semaphore Tennis.




 
From General Discussion / Olympic ceremony?
Posted 11 Aug 16 20:33
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You see, this is the kind of thing no self-respecting capybara would ever countenance.

Try telling that to the Olympic hierarchy, though. They don't care.

 
From General Discussion / Olympic ceremony?
Posted 10 Aug 16 18:31
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A Perversion Olympics would be quite a thing.

Probably already is one, actually.


Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

Jaggedone, You seem to have all the credentials to be a world class prevert. What did you think of the Olympic women's bicycle race? Some day I would like to see your collection of bicycle seats. Do you have a favorite?


 
From General Discussion / Olympic ceremony?
Posted 10 Aug 16 18:30
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Haven't really bothered with the Olympics since I learned that there are no capybara in the Brazil squad. These are just the types of injustice that turn a man away from so-called "sport".

The whole thing is a mere side-show.

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 6 Aug 16 13:13
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"Kedgeree eating, darling: gorgeously eggy, richly exotic, Eastern!"

 
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