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From News Discussion / Government Crackdown On Rude Vegetables
Posted 27 Feb 17 23:58
I think this is a salutary and sobering lesson to us all.

One minute this bloke is flavour of the month, with his Origin of the Species book and all that, hob-nobbing with all the Victorian big-wigs.

Next minute he's reduced to writing shite like this for The Spoof.

Evolutionary Science, eh? It's a hard old game.

Ralph Harris
Stafford "Jail" (some Jail! I've got it better than you mugs! Can you see what it is yet - it's 2 fingers to the lot of you!)

From General Discussion / 7 Years On
Posted 27 Feb 17 23:02
Fortunate furry feline fun! Felicitations fine fellow-lunatic!

Quote: JinoLeFeeto

Long as were talking about 7 year old pussy stories: Roger Federer Pets Sharapova's Pussy

From General Discussion / Blast from the Past
Posted 26 Feb 17 16:54
Ah, those were the days. I wonder what his medals were for?

I was Kaiser Bill's Batman

From General Discussion / Weather Report, with the Reverend W A Spooner
Posted 26 Feb 17 16:14
Here in Oxford he are waving lots of wamp deather, with mick thists. My sedges were hovered with soot mis thorning, and hence I had to contend with titty gropiary on top of all this reavy hain.

The Bishop's wife told me that we are experiencing an offluded crunt, but, as for her, well, she is had as a matter of course.

From General Discussion / Ways To Avoid Becoming a Corpse
Posted 25 Feb 17 23:59
1) Die in a fire.
2) Don't be born.
3) Realise you are not the body-mind.

From General Discussion / 7 Years On
Posted 25 Feb 17 14:27
I sometimes read my old stories and think "actually, that is rather good".

Here is an example:

Connect-a-Cat Cuts Connections with Connecticut story

I think the only problem with this story is its length. That, and the content. Otherwise, I think it stands the test of time, whatever that is. Maybe it's a matter of seeing whether time affects the quality of a story. Time is an illusion of course, so that takes care of that.

I think the whale story by Mr Moods is rather splendid. I like anything with a whale in it, apart from 12 Watling Street, Falkirk. I have never recovered from seeing a whale in the bay window there in 1856.

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 25 Feb 17 14:19
Puncture under Norway creates terrible undulations, rupturing Europe.

From News Discussion / Woman Splits Ringpiece After Having Big Shit
Posted 25 Feb 17 14:17
Rather wonderful. Reminds me of the Samuel Beckett line "we give birth astride of a grave".

I don't know why it doesn't remind me of the correct Samuel Beckett line: "They give birth astride of a grave, the light gleams an instant, then it's night once more".

Perhaps it does.

It's good though.

From General Discussion / Muck
Posted 25 Feb 17 14:05
Hello fellow-cripples

the other week I ordered some horse manure. It didn't take any notice of my orders so I bought a bag of dung from a farmer.

Imagine my suspsrsisrise and chagrin when the yeoman charged me a fee.

"Fuck me, a muck fee", I ejaculated. Fortunately, I was wearing the rubber underwear I usually equip as an insurance against such exigencies.

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 23 Feb 17 18:08
Trawlers ran aground. Wreckers looted each rotten ship.

From News Discussion / Masochistic satire writer looking forward to another year of indifference to his work
Posted 22 Feb 17 15:36
A devastating insight into the reality of life for the struggling satire writer.

From General Discussion / Imagine My Chagrin
Posted 22 Feb 17 09:28
You can't smoke a codpiece very well.

From General Discussion / Tapir or Coypu?
Posted 21 Feb 17 23:02
I am thinking of developing an act with performing tapirs or coypu, or, failing that, not bothering and just staying in and nursing my grievances.

Has anybody any experience of these things?

PS I have never worked with lobsters.

From General Discussion / National Security Advisor Wanted
Posted 21 Feb 17 22:58
Fur Ball Indigestion.

From General Discussion / Imagine My Chagrin
Posted 21 Feb 17 22:57

1 person has read your spoof news story "Nude Wicker Man Star Britt Ekland Confesses To "I'm A Celebrity" Camp: 'Larry Grayson Tried To Woo Me With a Haddock'"

From General Discussion / Owls of the World I: The Lesser Sooty Owl
Posted 21 Feb 17 22:27
Is that a horseradish?

Quote: Jaggedone

Dr.B, I would radish a whip of equestrian sublimity as long as it's sitting on a mare!

From General Discussion / Owls of the World I: The Lesser Sooty Owl
Posted 21 Feb 17 22:26
Everybody sings the popular ditty "Champagne Charlie is me name" these days, but few are aware of the original version "Champagne Charlemagne is me name, Champagne drinking is me game." Ah, the ignorance of youth. The brutality of nature's urging.

Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

No dissertation on Nubian slaves would be complete without a reference to the Pulitzer Prize winning book by Dr. Billingsgate, "How Nubian Slaves Made Charlemagne Great." I will leave it up to others to rate the contributions of contemporary slave movements.

From General Discussion / National Security Advisor Wanted
Posted 19 Feb 17 21:52
What is the advisor wanted for? Is the FBI on the case?

From General Discussion / Owls of the World I: The Lesser Sooty Owl
Posted 19 Feb 17 21:50
We at Owls of the World like this owl. We think its calls are rather haunting. When we say "this owl", we suppose we mean "these owls", as we don't expect their numbers to be as few as one.

Lesser Sooty Owl(s) on The Owl Pages

Its latin name is of interest, namely Tyto multipunctata, as it was probably named after the Roman who devised the earliest-known form of the Morse Code. Obviously, few have heard of the Multipunctata Code.

It never caught on, because the messager had to employ a team of Nubian slaves with hammers and stone blocks to hammer out the coded messages, and the messagee was forced to employ a similar team of Greek slaves to listen with giant ear-trumpets and transcribe the translated message onto special wax tablets.

The Lesser Sooty Owl, we are relieved to be able to announce, suffers from no such impediment or obstacle to its popularity. May that happy state of affairs continue, we say!

Owls of the World is sponsored by "The Owl Pages" - which is the best website in the whole world, and a real hoot to boot!

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 19 Feb 17 20:33
Swottage wears out toffee-nosed twat at government establishment.

From General Discussion / Will Trade 1 Hillary Bicycle Seat For 2 Merkels
Posted 19 Feb 17 20:31
Isn't a Merkel a pubic wig?

From General Discussion / Photographs of Borscht
Posted 15 Feb 17 23:32
Post your photographs up here.

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 15 Feb 17 23:30
Yodelling or declaiming Edward Lear lacked idiosyncratic, nuanced genius.

From General Discussion / Why Corliss Archer Is A Sex Symbol After 65 Years?
Posted 15 Feb 17 23:25
I remember Doris Archer.

From General Discussion / Heavy Vetting
Posted 13 Feb 17 23:20
Is that what you have to pay for when your pet elephant, whale or giant aardvark gets ill?

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