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From General Discussion / Trivets
Posted 13 Jul 17 12:57
Message
We haven't discussed palimpsests lately.

Or have we?

yours faithfully
Roland Milke

 
From General Discussion / Wombats
Posted 13 Jul 17 12:33
Message
I could see out of the womb when I was a foetus.

It was a womb with a view.

 
From General Discussion / Wombats
Posted 11 Jul 17 19:53
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Where can you get a wombat?

I've got the womballs but no bat.

 
From General Discussion / The Queen's on Holidays
Posted 11 Jul 17 19:49
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Shoul'd of bene "the Quenes on holidase's"

Ronge spelingegs maite.

 
From General Discussion / Who Is The Biggest Waste of Space?
Posted 11 Jul 17 19:47
Message
You decide.

 
From General Discussion / Guildford Musk Ox Cull "Unavoidable" Claims Boris Becker
Posted 2 Jul 17 12:02
Message
Good evening. I'm Duncan Raspe, and I'd like to welcome you to Having a Rectal Examination With.... Tonight I'll be Having a Rectal Examination With...... Archbishop Desmond Tutu, who has done so much in a long career to fight against apartheid and to campaign for so many humanitarian causes.

But before I ask Desmond to expose his nether regions for our examination and your entertainment, I feel driven to ask him about his hobbies. Why, I feel moved to enquire, why, Desmond, why? What is it about Self-Mummification, Mule-Skinning, and Cock-Fighting that so fascinate a man such as yourself?

But before all that, a word from our sponsor:

Butlers! Don't let Butler's Crouch or Cutler's Distemper rob you of your health and happiness! Cantleford's Pulmonic Wafers make short work of these complaints. Also efficacious in all cases of Town Crier's Yodel, Ostler's Twitch and Pargeter's Ear. J Cantleford & Sons, Plymouth.

 
From General Discussion / Guildford Musk Ox Cull
Posted 2 Jul 17 12:01
Message
...Please see revised version...

 
From General Discussion / Cleckheaton is "Coprophagia Capital of Europe" Claims Ted Moult's Nephew
Posted 2 Jul 17 11:33
Message
He was good in The Elephant Man too.


Quote: victor nicholas

And now for a word from our sponsor celebrating Mississipi John Hurt who played a melody and more finger picking the blues.


 
From General Discussion / Cleckheaton is "Coprophagia Capital of Europe" Claims Ted Moult's Nephew
Posted 30 Jun 17 18:44
Message
Hello. I'm Nimbert Fosk, and welcome to "Embalming a Walrus With..." Tonight I shall be embalming a walrus with the celebrated Blues Singer Lemon Henry "Blind Lemon" Jefferson, "Father of the Texas Blues".

Blind Lemon Jefferson has always been utterly dedicated to his art, and we here on "Embalming a Walrus With..." are able to benefit from this dedication tonight in a big way.

For Blind Lemon - and I'm sure he won't mind me using his familiar epithet in that way - died in 1929, and yet he has agreed to make the effort to appear on "Embalming a Walrus With..." this evening.

But first a word from our sponsor:

Hold hard there, Major! Before you don your duck-shooting garb and head for the broads, take a look at what we have on offer! Yes, Danderploughs Fowling-Pieces never miss! With one of our pieces on your arm, you'll always give it your best shot! A million dead ducks can't lie!

 
From General Discussion / Batley is
Posted 30 Jun 17 18:41
Message
.

 
From General Discussion / Oyster Soup Horror Blights Oxford
Posted 29 Jun 17 20:37
Message
Thank you for being a lovely audience (of one)!

 
From General Discussion / Oyster Soup Horror Blights Oxford
Posted 28 Jun 17 21:31
Message
Sadly this is clearly a waste of my time.

 
From General Discussion / Oyster Soup Horror Blights Oxford
Posted 27 Jun 17 21:23
Message
Hello. I'm Ervin Nostrille. On tonight's Dry Cleaning My Curtains With..., I shall be Dry Cleaning My Curtains With... Charles "Turnip" Townshend, luminary of the Agricultural Revolution, ferocious champion of the root vegetable cause, and foremost exponent of four field crop rotation.

But first, a word from our sponsor:

"I was a martyr to Duck's Disease for years until I discovered Grampound's Pyretic Linctus. Now I'm the Bishop of Bath & Wells and I get invited to all the best parties! Don't let Duck's Disease ruin your social life. Take Grampound's Pyretic Linctus thrice daily and banish Duck's Disease for ever!"




 
From General Discussion / Moles
Posted 26 Jun 17 21:27
Message
Hello and welcome to Word of The Day.

And Word of the Day today is

Contumely


 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 20 Jun 17 19:09
Message
Knaresborough, now a relic, eh? Scarborough bores often, rainy, ordinaire. Unfeted, 'gritty' Hull.

 
From General Discussion / Statues Made of Soil
Posted 14 May 17 14:24
Message
Indeed. Who is?


Quote: Jisanxw1

I am not quite sure about it.


 
From General Discussion / World's last living Nazi war crimes prosecutor passes on chilling message about conflict
Posted 13 May 17 19:37
Message
Also there is this:

Surealism Server

Would you leave your immortal soul to science?

 
From General Discussion / World's last living Nazi war crimes prosecutor passes on chilling message about conflict
Posted 12 May 17 20:11
Message
To get back on topic, it's time for this again:

Surrealist Compliment Generator

 
From General Discussion / World's last living Nazi war crimes prosecutor passes on chilling message about conflict
Posted 12 May 17 14:25
Message
You have painted a wonderful picture there though, worthy of many a Dutch master.




Quote: victor nicholas

Erskin

Mountaineering in the lowlands is not without it's dangers as I recall losing an alarm clock shortly thereafter.

The good natured insanity of the populace would no doubt make JO hard to pick out in a crowd.


Quote: Erskin Quint

Were you on a mountaineering expedition?

I must say that the 'youth football teams in uniform marching past' is quite the sinister image.

I think the sight of youth football teams marching through lace-chimneyed historic villages, with sailboards with leeboats and herrings drying in tulip-festooned cottage-gardens, would be quite enough to trigger my fight or flight mechanisms.


Quote: victor nicholas

No but your suggestion of Uden, Uddel, Urmond even Uithuizemeeden has the makings of a good Octoberfest drinking song Oi Oi Oi!

I did pass through the lowlands as a young man and recall lace curtains in the windows of homes in historic villages, sailboats with leeboards and youth football teams in uniform marching past me while I was enjoying a herring burger, or is this simply an idyllic dream longing for fruition.


Quote: Jaggedone

VC, your geographical knowledge of the lowlands is quite outstanding, I sense you mean Uden? Uddel? Urmond? even Uithuizermeeden?

Never mind, they're all as flat as a pancake and were even flatter after Adolf marched over them...





 
From General Discussion / World's last living Nazi war crimes prosecutor passes on chilling message about conflict
Posted 12 May 17 11:04
Message
Were you on a mountaineering expedition?

I must say that the 'youth football teams in uniform marching past' is quite the sinister image.

I think the sight of youth football teams marching through lace-chimneyed historic villages, with sailboards with leeboats and herrings drying in tulip-festooned cottage-gardens, would be quite enough to trigger my fight or flight mechanisms.


Quote: victor nicholas

No but your suggestion of Uden, Uddel, Urmond even Uithuizemeeden has the makings of a good Octoberfest drinking song Oi Oi Oi!

I did pass through the lowlands as a young man and recall lace curtains in the windows of homes in historic villages, sailboats with leeboards and youth football teams in uniform marching past me while I was enjoying a herring burger, or is this simply an idyllic dream longing for fruition.


Quote: Jaggedone

VC, your geographical knowledge of the lowlands is quite outstanding, I sense you mean Uden? Uddel? Urmond? even Uithuizermeeden?

Never mind, they're all as flat as a pancake and were even flatter after Adolf marched over them...



 
From General Discussion / World's last living Nazi war crimes prosecutor passes on chilling message about conflict
Posted 12 May 17 10:56
Message
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read......


Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

Upon reflection, if any of us joined Spoof to have an intelligent conversation, we are looking up a dead dog's ass.


 
From General Discussion / World's last living Nazi war crimes prosecutor passes on chilling message about conflict
Posted 11 May 17 22:30
Message
Good to see that we can have an intelligent conversation about these things.

 
From General Discussion / World's last living Nazi war crimes prosecutor passes on chilling message about conflict
Posted 11 May 17 09:16
Message
For Mr G Cockface, -

if you are having, er, issues with udders and their ramifications, then this might be the thing for you:


Living in Udder Fantasy: Tired of living his life in filth with his nagging mother, a naïve young adventurer decides to embark on an epic quest that is given to him by his dead milkman father. The boy is accompanied on his journey by a swashbuckling car salesman and a singing eunuch. High fantasy, adventure, and stupidity ensue as they seek out the legendary golden calf who gives chocolate milk.
This episode is a bit more vulgar than our usual fare. Because of this, we are giving it an explicit rating


Udder Fantasy

Failing that, we would recommend seeing a suitably experienced and qualified professional person (NOT a farmer; most definitely NOT a farmer).

 
From General Discussion / World's last living Nazi war crimes prosecutor passes on chilling message about conflict
Posted 11 May 17 08:59
Message
Ah, I see: you're being satirical.


We don't have conversations here: there aren't enough of us.

However, to continue in your serious vein, I always liked Korky The Cat in The Dandy.

Oh to be there again with The Dandy Summer Special.

Where did it all go?

It went where absolutely everything goes: into nothing.


Quote: Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Ah, I didn't realise it was a serious conversation.

It reminds me of when Corky was trapped in a secret Nazi lair, until he rubbed his magic udders and drowned the beastly fascists in milk.


 
From General Discussion / World's last living Nazi war crimes prosecutor passes on chilling message about conflict
Posted 10 May 17 19:40
Message
Well, surely that's up to you. Seems to me the 2 extracts just point out the complexity and the facts, and encourage us to try to be enlightened.

I think war is probably inevitable when you have 'nations'.


Quote: Sir Geoffroy Cockface

I don't get it. So is war good or bad?

I'm going to go back to reading the 1982 annual of my favourite comic strip, Corky's Magic Udders.


 
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