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From General Discussion / 7 Years On
Posted 15 Mar 17 00:36
Message
I can't remember what I was thinking when I writ it, but seem to recall a dossier DID go missing on a train. I suppose, it was easy to imagine the rest: an old man brought up under the 'old rules' sees it, decides to 'do the right thing', no matter what the consequences to himself etc etc.

I'll look for some more of this shit, seeing as you enjoyed it so much.

Here you go - another tale of Moral Instruction.

Lance Armstrong

And one from 'the other side of the fence':

Dubious Teacher

That's your lot. If you can't tell the difference between 'right' and 'wrong' now, I'm afraid I can't help you.

 
From News Discussion / Woman Spotted With 'Baby' Doll
Posted 15 Mar 17 00:21
Message
There is absolutely nothing fictional about this story. I almost feel like a fraudster 'dressing it up' as a spoof. It actually happened, just the way I've written it. One day, I saw a couple pushing an expensive-looking pram through the plush Mahboonkrong (MBK) shopping centre, making a fuss of their 'child'. Other people started to gather around them, likewise fussing. The truth only dawned on me when a gap appeared, and I was able to see the plastic 'baby'.

Has anyone seen this kind of thing anywhere else?

 
From General Discussion / 7 Years On
Posted 14 Mar 17 00:52
Message

Quote: Erskin Quint

There is a Mr Dick in David Copperfield. He likes flying his kite.




There is a 'Dick' in 'Dickens'. According to sauces, he liked 'baiting his master'.

Just sayin'.


Do you like old people?

Albert Twaddle

Actually, 9 years on.

 
From General Discussion / The Houting
Posted 14 Mar 17 00:38
Message
Ah, yes! The salty sea air cleansing your nostrils! The sun beating down on the wide, golden sands! The cooling breeze blowing gently over the clifftops, wafting the aroma of fish 'n' chips through the town centre, alive with excited families enjoying a day at the seaside! Ice-cream, candy floss!

And the bingo, discarded chip wrappings and dog shit.

Y'can't beat Brid, chuck!


Elsie Weighnowt
Filey

 
From General Discussion / Eithiopian Rubbish Landslide Kills 48
Posted 13 Mar 17 01:57
Message
Sir,

I should like it known that, after having read this disgraceful and completely tasteless threadlet, I shall be cancelling my subscription to your publication forthwith.

Are you happy now?

Mrs Adele Hickspiss
Luton

 
From General Discussion / The Houting
Posted 13 Mar 17 01:48
Message

Quote: Erskin Quint

I bet you're a protestant.





Well, I do protest a lot.

As for religion, don't get me started, your Popeship!

By the way, you have a Popemobile. Do you have a Popeship, you know, for those intercontinental 'holidays' when you want to stretch out and relax on deck, before addressing your millions of cheering fans?

 
From General Discussion / 7 Years On
Posted 12 Mar 17 06:18
Message
Are there any Philip K. Dick readers out there?

I would like to discuss this, as part of my '7 Years On' series.

Philip K. Dick: A Glaring Omission, I Believe

Discuss!

 
From News Discussion / Great Train Robber Ronnie Biggs Arrested After Attempting Another Great Train Robbery
Posted 12 Mar 17 02:03
Message
I went out for a pint, of milk, about two weeks ago, only to discover that I was now in Cambodia, where they do not sell pints of milk, much less newsagents from which to buy them.

I then returned home, and read Thomas More's Utopia, which, frankly, did nothing to cheer me up. I turned instead to Camus, with no noticeable improvement thus far.

I'll let you know how it goes. My absence from these pages for any prolonged period of time, would probably be a reasonable indication that it had gone badly.

Your friend in pain,

M Woods
Nowhere

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 12 Mar 17 01:50
Message
Sparkly, purple and red, 'kackery', like yellow.

 
From General Discussion / The Houting
Posted 12 Mar 17 01:44
Message
Dear 'Pope'

Absolutely flabbergasted that you should scribe the word 'menth', when, as everyone knows, you meant 'menthe'!

Note how poetic that was: meant menthe. Divine!

It has, by the way, come to my attention that you appear to be starting new threads for the express purpose of starting new threads, and no other. Please note that, from 1 September 2017, a charge of £5 will be made for each new thread started that NEEDN'T have been started, and that the discretion for this will lie with the editor, whoever he is.

You have been warned.

Emphatically yours,

Don Minestrone
Bury
Lancs

 
From General Discussion / Appeal
Posted 12 Mar 17 01:30
Message
Dear Mr Jaggedone,

I have no idea, Sir, about that which you are on about.

I am given to understand that you are an admirer of the musical combo hailing from Salford, known as The Fall, leader of which is the, some would say, genius, Mark Edward Smith. Were you aware, Sir, that on 5 March last - Mr Smith's birthday, no less - he was pronounced 'dead' by the BBC in a Twittering error? This was quickly rectified, but shows how 'fake news' is started.

Let that be a lesson to you.

Further, and since I am also given to understand that you have, for some time, resided in that most-liberal of capitals, Hamsterjam, I should like to enquire if you have read the Albert Camus story 'The Fall', which, I believe, is set in that very den of vice. If so, do you not see the connection, Sir?

I leave it with you.

Regards,

E Quint
Surrey

 
From News Discussion / Great Train Robber Ronnie Biggs Arrested After Attempting Another Great Train Robbery
Posted 11 Mar 17 04:24
Message
Yes, I thought you'd see my point.

There's more to it than meets the eye, however. Let me go on - please.

I tried using some everyday words and phrases to make it feel like the sort of thing you might hear around the table in the pub, or, indeed, between two blokes talking over the table on a train. Hence:

"...on his way home."
"...a good criminal doesn't get sloppy overnight..."
"...he made straight for Norwich railway station."
"...without offering payment."
"...kicked ten barrels etc..."
"...just in time etc..."

And all that for a measly few hundred readers! "It's a good job I've got plenty of time to waste," he said, before keeling over and expiring.

 
From General Discussion / Appeal
Posted 11 Mar 17 03:59
Message
Dear Mr Jaggedone,

I am sorry to inform you that your enquiry about whether your having once been busted would help Mr Quint in his quest for the Hereward the Wake item, must be answered in the negative.

Now, come on, dear! Back under your bridge, there's a good boy!

Wanda Suckage
Dunstable

 
From General Discussion / Ways To Avoid Becoming a Corpse
Posted 9 Mar 17 14:55
Message

Quote: Erskin Quint



There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'








You've just reminded me of summat I wrote a long time ago about spiders being found in a boy's ear. I'll just go and look for it.

Found it, but the link doesn't work. Not surprising on this site.

The story is Spiders Found Living In Boys Ear.

Bored.

 
From News Discussion / Great Train Robber Ronnie Biggs Arrested After Attempting Another Great Train Robbery
Posted 9 Mar 17 11:24
Message
Here is one from the vaults.

Just wanted to know if we could still post in here.

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 7 Mar 17 22:45
Message
Ennui: normally nurturing uninterested idleness.

 
From General Discussion / Ways To Avoid Becoming a Corpse
Posted 7 Mar 17 22:36
Message
In the middle of the woods?

 
From General Discussion / Ways To Avoid Becoming a Corpse
Posted 6 Mar 17 22:04
Message
Sir,

If true, this is one of the most amazing things I have ever had the pleasure to read, and all my initial thoughts about you being a talentless moron, I would have to re-evaluate.

Regards,

Gladys Penis
Epsom

 
From General Discussion / Ways To Avoid Becoming a Corpse
Posted 6 Mar 17 03:22
Message

Quote: victor nicholas

I met a man who had his heart replaced with a pump.




Why would anyone want to do that? It's not the same as changing the colour of your hair, is it? I despair of the way some people go around altering things!


Quote: victor nicholas

It seemed an unappealing choice.




As unappealing as 'not having a choice', Vic?

A heart-rending story, for sure.







 
From General Discussion / Ways To Avoid Becoming a Corpse
Posted 5 Mar 17 06:20
Message

Quote: Jaggedone

...after a bottle of Vin Rouge, my mind actually turned into a corpse; well that's what the missus said this morning!





Are you sure she didn't say "sewer"?




Can you see how my question could easily be turned into a rap?

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 4 Mar 17 01:43
Message
Deadly: extremely accurate, 'dicey', like Yahtzee.

 
From General Discussion / Ways To Avoid Becoming a Corpse
Posted 4 Mar 17 01:37
Message

Quote: Jaggedone

To be buried alive or not, a corpse will always become immortal!




Get back under the bridge!

 
From General Discussion / Ways To Avoid Becoming a Corpse
Posted 2 Mar 17 23:36
Message
Dear Sir,

Absolute fuc*ing gibberish!

Barbarbara Buttt
Barnstaple

 
From News Discussion / Headteacher defends school uniform stance
Posted 2 Mar 17 01:25
Message
Rather unfair to lorry drivers, D.

And you need a full stop after 'Wank Bank'.


Pretty good, though.

 
From General Discussion / Ways To Avoid Becoming a Corpse
Posted 2 Mar 17 00:56
Message

Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

Put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye.


Sir, I wish to protest strongly about the advice given by your 'doctor', Dr Billingsgate. The subject of this thread being 'How To Avoid Becoming A Corpse', I feel that taking the good medic's advice would, if anything, assist me in becoming a corpse, although even this is not guaranteed!

I have already sought the opinions of two other medical professionals, who told me that following 'Dr' Billingsgate's advice would neither help me avoid becoming a corpse, nor help me become one, but would aggravate any existing back problems I might have. Fortunately, I am lucky in this respect.

Thank you for allowing me the platform to warn other readers about this 'advice', which, as I have already ascertained, will not help them avoid becoming a corpse.

Ron Muppet
Chigley

 
210 Pages - «« « 3 4 [5] 6 7 » »»
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