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From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 12 Mar 17 01:50
Sparkly, purple and red, 'kackery', like yellow.

From General Discussion / The Houting
Posted 12 Mar 17 01:44
Dear 'Pope'

Absolutely flabbergasted that you should scribe the word 'menth', when, as everyone knows, you meant 'menthe'!

Note how poetic that was: meant menthe. Divine!

It has, by the way, come to my attention that you appear to be starting new threads for the express purpose of starting new threads, and no other. Please note that, from 1 September 2017, a charge of £5 will be made for each new thread started that NEEDN'T have been started, and that the discretion for this will lie with the editor, whoever he is.

You have been warned.

Emphatically yours,

Don Minestrone

From General Discussion / Appeal
Posted 12 Mar 17 01:30
Dear Mr Jaggedone,

I have no idea, Sir, about that which you are on about.

I am given to understand that you are an admirer of the musical combo hailing from Salford, known as The Fall, leader of which is the, some would say, genius, Mark Edward Smith. Were you aware, Sir, that on 5 March last - Mr Smith's birthday, no less - he was pronounced 'dead' by the BBC in a Twittering error? This was quickly rectified, but shows how 'fake news' is started.

Let that be a lesson to you.

Further, and since I am also given to understand that you have, for some time, resided in that most-liberal of capitals, Hamsterjam, I should like to enquire if you have read the Albert Camus story 'The Fall', which, I believe, is set in that very den of vice. If so, do you not see the connection, Sir?

I leave it with you.


E Quint

From News Discussion / Great Train Robber Ronnie Biggs Arrested After Attempting Another Great Train Robbery
Posted 11 Mar 17 04:24
Yes, I thought you'd see my point.

There's more to it than meets the eye, however. Let me go on - please.

I tried using some everyday words and phrases to make it feel like the sort of thing you might hear around the table in the pub, or, indeed, between two blokes talking over the table on a train. Hence:

"...on his way home."
"...a good criminal doesn't get sloppy overnight..."
"...he made straight for Norwich railway station."
"...without offering payment."
"...kicked ten barrels etc..."
"...just in time etc..."

And all that for a measly few hundred readers! "It's a good job I've got plenty of time to waste," he said, before keeling over and expiring.

From General Discussion / Appeal
Posted 11 Mar 17 03:59
Dear Mr Jaggedone,

I am sorry to inform you that your enquiry about whether your having once been busted would help Mr Quint in his quest for the Hereward the Wake item, must be answered in the negative.

Now, come on, dear! Back under your bridge, there's a good boy!

Wanda Suckage

From General Discussion / Ways To Avoid Becoming a Corpse
Posted 9 Mar 17 14:55

Quote: Erskin Quint

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'

You've just reminded me of summat I wrote a long time ago about spiders being found in a boy's ear. I'll just go and look for it.

Found it, but the link doesn't work. Not surprising on this site.

The story is Spiders Found Living In Boys Ear.


From News Discussion / Great Train Robber Ronnie Biggs Arrested After Attempting Another Great Train Robbery
Posted 9 Mar 17 11:24
Here is one from the vaults.

Just wanted to know if we could still post in here.

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 7 Mar 17 22:45
Ennui: normally nurturing uninterested idleness.

From General Discussion / Ways To Avoid Becoming a Corpse
Posted 7 Mar 17 22:36
In the middle of the woods?

From General Discussion / Ways To Avoid Becoming a Corpse
Posted 6 Mar 17 22:04

If true, this is one of the most amazing things I have ever had the pleasure to read, and all my initial thoughts about you being a talentless moron, I would have to re-evaluate.


Gladys Penis

From General Discussion / Ways To Avoid Becoming a Corpse
Posted 6 Mar 17 03:22

Quote: victor nicholas

I met a man who had his heart replaced with a pump.

Why would anyone want to do that? It's not the same as changing the colour of your hair, is it? I despair of the way some people go around altering things!

Quote: victor nicholas

It seemed an unappealing choice.

As unappealing as 'not having a choice', Vic?

A heart-rending story, for sure.

From General Discussion / Ways To Avoid Becoming a Corpse
Posted 5 Mar 17 06:20

Quote: Jaggedone

...after a bottle of Vin Rouge, my mind actually turned into a corpse; well that's what the missus said this morning!

Are you sure she didn't say "sewer"?

Can you see how my question could easily be turned into a rap?

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 4 Mar 17 01:43
Deadly: extremely accurate, 'dicey', like Yahtzee.

From General Discussion / Ways To Avoid Becoming a Corpse
Posted 4 Mar 17 01:37

Quote: Jaggedone

To be buried alive or not, a corpse will always become immortal!

Get back under the bridge!

From General Discussion / Ways To Avoid Becoming a Corpse
Posted 2 Mar 17 23:36
Dear Sir,

Absolute fuc*ing gibberish!

Barbarbara Buttt

From News Discussion / Headteacher defends school uniform stance
Posted 2 Mar 17 01:25
Rather unfair to lorry drivers, D.

And you need a full stop after 'Wank Bank'.

Pretty good, though.

From General Discussion / Ways To Avoid Becoming a Corpse
Posted 2 Mar 17 00:56

Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

Put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye.

Sir, I wish to protest strongly about the advice given by your 'doctor', Dr Billingsgate. The subject of this thread being 'How To Avoid Becoming A Corpse', I feel that taking the good medic's advice would, if anything, assist me in becoming a corpse, although even this is not guaranteed!

I have already sought the opinions of two other medical professionals, who told me that following 'Dr' Billingsgate's advice would neither help me avoid becoming a corpse, nor help me become one, but would aggravate any existing back problems I might have. Fortunately, I am lucky in this respect.

Thank you for allowing me the platform to warn other readers about this 'advice', which, as I have already ascertained, will not help them avoid becoming a corpse.

Ron Muppet

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 27 Feb 17 01:10
Europe, under Russian oligarchy, pummels England.

A prophecy, no less.

From News Discussion / Woman Splits Ringpiece After Having Big Shit
Posted 27 Feb 17 01:06
"I concur with the first response, and agree with the second." - Banquo (Macbeth, Shaksper)

From General Discussion / Blast from the Past
Posted 27 Feb 17 00:54
Lovely. But my internet connection kept disconnecting. I remember it well - think I had the 12" version.

From General Discussion / 7 Years On
Posted 27 Feb 17 00:49
Mr Erskin Quint,

I liked this story more than I can tell you. So I won't.

I must comment, however, on some of the lovely touches that the author uses. The 'Bellhousings', for example. A name to rank up there with the best of them! Tatty Mullett, Eric Giggles and Dana Huckshit were all individuals, but the BELLHOUSINGS - sheer genius!

And 'the post-Feminist milieu' didn't escape my attention, either! Beauty Full.

Things couldn't get any better, so they took the logical route - they got worse. Clarity and simplicity; what more could one ask from a piece of gubbins?

There was one small fault, however: the piece is only 6 years old, not 7.

Top notch bollox, this, though, and Merry Christmas!

Mr Jino,

Your story touched me in the heart. Not my heart, sorry! What I meant to say, was that your story touched me in the arse.

Oh, sir, come now! You know yourself how vulgar and double-entendrish your submission was, and, if the Swiss chap concerned had become aware of its existence, who knows how swiftly his legal team may have descended upon the Spoofoffice, waving their writs in Squire Lowton's fat mug?

Shame on you!

Also, it was a trifle long.

Say hello to your good wife for me, and give her a big kiss - from myself - remembering to use your tongue. Yum yum!

From General Discussion / Imagine My Chagrin
Posted 25 Feb 17 09:44
Ah, but that's what you think!

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 25 Feb 17 09:42
Ship had immense 'puncture'.

From General Discussion / 7 Years On
Posted 25 Feb 17 09:38
I scrolled down to the bottom of the Writers Desk page, and saw a story in my 'Top Ten read' list, called Killer Whale Does What It's Supposed To Do - Kills Its Trainer.

I had forgotten this story, but, after reading it
again, I can tell you it's quite good.

All the best for Christmas and the New Year.

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 23 Feb 17 02:17
Establishment suddenly took a backseat. Life is shit. Hull means 'entertainment', not 'trawlers'.

209 Pages - «« « 3 4 [5] 6 7 » »»
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