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From General Discussion / Heart of Darkness
Posted 5 Apr 17 04:13

Quote: Erskin Quint

Why read it twice?


In response to your enquiry above, I should ask you to choose an answer from this selection:

A. I heard that it had to be read twice before any sense could be made of it.

B. Having paid 30p for it from a charity shop in Wolerhampton, I was determined to get my money's worth.

C. I'd forgotten that I'd previously read it, and only remembered when I reached the last page, upon which I'd written: "Never read this shit again!"

D. It was an accident; I slipped.

I believe, Sir, the roly-poly American Private Investigator, Frank Cannon, was 'played' by the roly-poly American actor, William Conrad. I thought it might just be possible that the aforementioned shit book author was the grandfather of the shit actor.

As you are aware, shit runs in families.

Obligingly yours,

Connie Contempt

From News Discussion / Obama Found To Have Terrible Disease
Posted 4 Apr 17 15:07
Dear 'Q',

Your assessment is correct. I have already notified our operatives in Shirey's locale to 'move in', and deal with the situation.

Please be aware that, at this stage, their recall is not possible.

Grin and bear it.

For HM Queen Elizabeth,

M Woods (0011)

From News Discussion / Man converts mailbox into recycle bin
Posted 4 Apr 17 14:58
Why, that's amazing! Not to say, uncanny!

Wait a minute, Victorio! Do you, Sir, have authorised access to my Prison Personel File, most of which I shredded?

Your letter was word-for-word exactly what I writted, apart from my 'misdemeaour' had the 'u' in it, as it should have.

Still, your intelligence seems to go deep. You are obviously closely conected with those in authority in the UK Prison system. I congratulate you, and I salute you.

Indeed, to save time and space, I congratulate and salute you.

Sincerely yours,

Nicholas Victorson
Suwanee Housing Estate

From News Discussion / Man converts mailbox into recycle bin
Posted 4 Apr 17 14:57

Quote: Erskin Quint

Dear Mr Monkey,

please note that the correct title of the book by Thomas De Quincey is Confessions of an English Opium-Eater.

I feel that I must perforce point this out

Dearest Mr Quint,

Sir, it is people like you, who give people like me a bad name.

I am, however, in your debt, and 'thank' you for pointing out my abbreviation of the Tommus Der Quintey NOVEL. I shall endeavour (endeavor, for Canadians) to do better next time.

J von Ribbentrop
84 Charing Cross Road

From General Discussion / Heart of Darkness
Posted 4 Apr 17 14:13

I have read Heart Of Darkness twice, and unenjoyed it both times.

Is there something wrong with me, or is it really just a load of shit?

His 'sea-theme' books are worse, in my opinion. Do I need help?


B. Butlin

PS. Was the author Frank Cannon's grandfather?

From News Discussion / Andy Murray Wary Of Opponent With So Many 'O's In His Name
Posted 3 Apr 17 13:22
Soon be Wimbledon again.

Three 'o's.

From News Discussion / Man converts mailbox into recycle bin
Posted 3 Apr 17 04:37

Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

you have to be able to sleep while standing. Still interested?

Rather! Where's the application form? I expect rfreed will send me it. So excited!

Dear Vicky,

I did not 'escape' from the Prison Service in the interesting way you might have imagined. Indeed, it was relatively mundane. I spent four months on sick with 'depression' whilst I made my mind up whether to leave or not, then I told them I was ready to return to work. On my first day back, I asked to see my Personnel File, and, foolishly, they left me alone in a room with it. Also in this room, just happened to be The Paper Shredder. I selected what I wanted, (or rather, what I didn.'t want THEM to have!), then got busy.

When I had finished, I handed the now-much-thinner Personnel File back, with my pre-prepared resignation letter, and sat down at a desk to complete my period of notice. I read the Thomas de Quincey book Confessions Of An Opium-eater as the days wore on; obviously, I wasn't going to spend this useful 'notice period' doing anything as insensible as work! What do you think I am, Sir!?

No tunnels, no rope-ladders, no boiler suits, I'm afraid.

Terrible place to work.

And you, Vicky? Any decent work-related stories to tell?

From News Discussion / Man converts mailbox into recycle bin
Posted 3 Apr 17 01:48
Sounds great! When can I start?

Of course, I speak from the perspective of somebody who spent seven years working at the Department of Social Security, and then a further seven 'employed' in HM Prison Service. I finally escaped the Civil Service, but I still bear the scars.

About this PO gig - when would be the best time to apply? Are positions open to non-US citizens? Is it really as laid-back as you mentioned? Promise?

Oh, I'm really excited about this opportunity!

C. Boocowskee

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 2 Apr 17 04:17
Demiurges: essentially 'masters in universe regulation', God's 'engineers supreme'.

From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 2 Apr 17 04:01
Dear Doctor,

I have the space, but lack the inclination.

However, er, hmmm...does it smell of anything?

Not that it makes any difference, but I have a friend who might like it.

Yours sinisterly

Ron Purve

From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 1 Apr 17 01:43
Dear VicNick,

Is it OK to call you VicNick? Or 'Nicky'? I feel like I almost 'know' you, and I think it's so very 'stiff' to have to address you with 'Mr Nicholas'. We are all comrades after all, are we not?

Nicky, I am afraid that, despite our friendship, I have to declare that I can think of nothing less interesting than the Northern Cities Vowel Shift that you so lovingly describe. Plus, I don't like circles. Have they any diagrams with squares.

In friendship,

Jim Tetrahedron

From General Discussion / Would Saran Wrap Burqas Satisfy Security Concerns
Posted 1 Apr 17 01:23
Dear Doctor,

if you really ARE a doctor, that is, about which I have serious reservations.

I suspect the clothing you describe would indeed satisfy the security services. Despite this, I do not think they would be popular with the buying public, and do not expect to see them on the rails at Top Shop or Marks & Spencer anytime soon.

Madeleine Crotch
Crinkly Bottom

From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 31 Mar 17 02:57
Dear Mr Nicholas,

Thank you for your interesting update on the Crucifixion of the English Language.

I have taken note.

In this respect, however, a further question arises: if 'buses' has become 'bosses', what has 'bosses' become?

This is important, as I may have to address a contingent of transport managers in the near future, and I should hate to feel archaic.

Regards (in French, "look!")

Walther P. P. Kaye
James Bond Island
Phi Phi

From General Discussion / Richard II Writes Advertising Copy For Camping Store
Posted 30 Mar 17 01:02
You should have left it. None of the thick bastards on here would have sussed it.

Including me!

Especially me!

From News Discussion / Bradley Wiggins Wins His Second Gold Medal Despite Getting A Puncture
Posted 30 Mar 17 00:59
You have to admire his determination!

From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 29 Mar 17 03:26

Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

I took a calculated risk that your moniker, "Monkey Woods," indicated your preference in animals.


the assumption you describe is incorrect. I hate ALL apes, including homo sapiens. The name 'Monkey Woods' is actually a clever anagrammatical adaptation of my real name, Moys Kenwood. I do hope that you will exercise discretion when contributing to these forums, to ensure that other, shall we say, less reputable readers do not become aquainted with this information.

Interestingly, 'Monkey Woods' is also a clever wotsit thingy of Donkey Wooms, a sanctuary I run, and yet another of 'Wonkey Moods', something I often find myself in.

To wrap up this tediousness, I would also tell you that Monkey Woods is a wooded area set between the fairways of the 10th and 13th fairways at the Royal Springhead Golf Course in Hull, where me and my mates would spend our childhood time awaiting the hooked or sliced tee shots of terrible golfers, before stealing their balls - no puns, please - with a view to selling them later for 'sweets money'.

Dear Victor,

I agree with you. The strange-sounding Pa-em is also one of my own particular favourites!

Well, since this morning, anyway.

Any solution to the 'horseback riding' conundrum?

Wendy Sokomo

From News Discussion / Obama Found To Have Terrible Disease
Posted 29 Mar 17 02:37
I don't want to appear snobbish, but I found humour sadly lacking here.

The concept of 'wit' seems, somehow, to have been lost on this writer, although, it has to be said, I have read only this example of his extensive collection.

The 'Strangelove' reference rescued it from the status of 'dogshit on my shoe', but narrowly.

Must try harder.

From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 28 Mar 17 11:11
Dear Sir,

As a resident of the wonderful country of Canadia, you may be able to answer a query I have about the English language as it is 'spoken' in our former colonies.

In England, horse enthusiasts often go horse-riding.

In the United States of America, this hobby is known as 'horseback riding'.

Can you explain, in not more than twenty words, the necessity for the word 'back' to be attached to the word 'horse', please?

Surely, there can reasonably be only one area of the horse that can be ridden! Or am I missing something?

Thanking you in advance,

Capt. Beevers Randall-Hopkirk

From General Discussion / 7 Years On
Posted 28 Mar 17 10:57
Look what just turned up, like the proverbial bad penny:

The Continuing Adventures Of Albert Twaddle

From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 28 Mar 17 01:39
What are the chances?! I DO have a horse! Please be good enough to contact me through the Spoofoffice, so that we can arrange a convenient time for your flogging.

From News Discussion / 'Year of the Pig' Sets Off Increased Muslim Outrage
Posted 28 Mar 17 01:06
'The Swine Of The Orient'.

I might put more of my stories in here. They get more views than they normally would.

From News Discussion / Olympic Diver Tom Daley In Danger Of Burn-out - He's Only 14!
Posted 28 Mar 17 01:01
Bloody kids! Who'd 'ave 'em?

From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 27 Mar 17 04:32

Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

For all I know, Monkey Woods could be a lurking anti-vivisectionist.

What's an 'anti-vivisectionist'?

I'm an anti-VivWestwoodist, if that's any good...

From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 26 Mar 17 11:24

Quote: victor nicholas

I understand your concern. We may have a chance to finish stuffing the specimen if Monkey volunteers to shred a hard copy of his oevre and donate it to the cause.

If you mean me, I'll do whatever I can to help in this project.

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 25 Mar 17 00:25
Wensleydale: 'essentially Northern', serene location, exhibiting Yorkshire Dales and 'lovely England'.

210 Pages - «« « 2 3 [4] 5 6 » »»
Any opinions expressed here are purely the opinions of the contributors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Spoof, its staff or the original writer of the spoof news/parody/satire story.

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