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From General Discussion / 7 Years On
Posted 28 Mar 17 10:57
Look what just turned up, like the proverbial bad penny:

The Continuing Adventures Of Albert Twaddle

From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 28 Mar 17 01:39
What are the chances?! I DO have a horse! Please be good enough to contact me through the Spoofoffice, so that we can arrange a convenient time for your flogging.

From News Discussion / 'Year of the Pig' Sets Off Increased Muslim Outrage
Posted 28 Mar 17 01:06
'The Swine Of The Orient'.

I might put more of my stories in here. They get more views than they normally would.

From News Discussion / Olympic Diver Tom Daley In Danger Of Burn-out - He's Only 14!
Posted 28 Mar 17 01:01
Bloody kids! Who'd 'ave 'em?

From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 27 Mar 17 04:32

Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

For all I know, Monkey Woods could be a lurking anti-vivisectionist.

What's an 'anti-vivisectionist'?

I'm an anti-VivWestwoodist, if that's any good...

From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 26 Mar 17 11:24

Quote: victor nicholas

I understand your concern. We may have a chance to finish stuffing the specimen if Monkey volunteers to shred a hard copy of his oevre and donate it to the cause.

If you mean me, I'll do whatever I can to help in this project.

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 25 Mar 17 00:25
Wensleydale: 'essentially Northern', serene location, exhibiting Yorkshire Dales and 'lovely England'.

From General Discussion / Appeal
Posted 19 Mar 17 01:58
I'm making no rash commitment. I'll think about it over the weekend.

From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 17 Mar 17 03:58
Yeah, I was struggling with the 'coordinates' thing for a while, but I think I've got it now!

A really lovely story! I hope there's more in his pipeline!

There certainly should be, after all this time!

Gladys Mickle, 92.

From General Discussion / Appeal
Posted 16 Mar 17 22:59
Hard Life In Country from the Room To Live album is a great song.

"Look at y'self as a man!
The valley rings with ice-cream vans
It's hard to live in the country"

From General Discussion / Brain Surgery
Posted 16 Mar 17 11:17
Seems like a logical step.

From General Discussion / Statues Made of Soil
Posted 16 Mar 17 00:34

Perhaps you could lend your assistance with regard to an enquiry I have on the subject of Hereward the Wake.

It is this: pronunciation of 'Hereward'.

I am confused as to whether I should be saying

1) 'Here' as in 'in this place', and therefore rhyming with those rwo things on the side of my head which enable me to decipher sound, or

2) 'Here' as in the word 'Hereford', the well-known English settlement whose football team were responsible for the 1972 FA Cup giantkilling defeat of Newcastle United.

Please advise.

In earnest,

Walther Mithy

From General Discussion / Appeal
Posted 16 Mar 17 00:17

A lovely song, to be sure!

" Temperance household, delivered, ran out, and phoned his wife in terror!"

Ah, the 80s! They were so ... eightyish.


Maud Wimpole

From General Discussion / 7 Years On
Posted 15 Mar 17 00:36
I can't remember what I was thinking when I writ it, but seem to recall a dossier DID go missing on a train. I suppose, it was easy to imagine the rest: an old man brought up under the 'old rules' sees it, decides to 'do the right thing', no matter what the consequences to himself etc etc.

I'll look for some more of this shit, seeing as you enjoyed it so much.

Here you go - another tale of Moral Instruction.

Lance Armstrong

And one from 'the other side of the fence':

Dubious Teacher

That's your lot. If you can't tell the difference between 'right' and 'wrong' now, I'm afraid I can't help you.

From News Discussion / Woman Spotted With 'Baby' Doll
Posted 15 Mar 17 00:21
There is absolutely nothing fictional about this story. I almost feel like a fraudster 'dressing it up' as a spoof. It actually happened, just the way I've written it. One day, I saw a couple pushing an expensive-looking pram through the plush Mahboonkrong (MBK) shopping centre, making a fuss of their 'child'. Other people started to gather around them, likewise fussing. The truth only dawned on me when a gap appeared, and I was able to see the plastic 'baby'.

Has anyone seen this kind of thing anywhere else?

From General Discussion / 7 Years On
Posted 14 Mar 17 00:52

Quote: Erskin Quint

There is a Mr Dick in David Copperfield. He likes flying his kite.

There is a 'Dick' in 'Dickens'. According to sauces, he liked 'baiting his master'.

Just sayin'.

Do you like old people?

Albert Twaddle

Actually, 9 years on.

From General Discussion / The Houting
Posted 14 Mar 17 00:38
Ah, yes! The salty sea air cleansing your nostrils! The sun beating down on the wide, golden sands! The cooling breeze blowing gently over the clifftops, wafting the aroma of fish 'n' chips through the town centre, alive with excited families enjoying a day at the seaside! Ice-cream, candy floss!

And the bingo, discarded chip wrappings and dog shit.

Y'can't beat Brid, chuck!

Elsie Weighnowt

From General Discussion / Eithiopian Rubbish Landslide Kills 48
Posted 13 Mar 17 01:57

I should like it known that, after having read this disgraceful and completely tasteless threadlet, I shall be cancelling my subscription to your publication forthwith.

Are you happy now?

Mrs Adele Hickspiss

From General Discussion / The Houting
Posted 13 Mar 17 01:48

Quote: Erskin Quint

I bet you're a protestant.

Well, I do protest a lot.

As for religion, don't get me started, your Popeship!

By the way, you have a Popemobile. Do you have a Popeship, you know, for those intercontinental 'holidays' when you want to stretch out and relax on deck, before addressing your millions of cheering fans?

From General Discussion / 7 Years On
Posted 12 Mar 17 06:18
Are there any Philip K. Dick readers out there?

I would like to discuss this, as part of my '7 Years On' series.

Philip K. Dick: A Glaring Omission, I Believe


From News Discussion / Great Train Robber Ronnie Biggs Arrested After Attempting Another Great Train Robbery
Posted 12 Mar 17 02:03
I went out for a pint, of milk, about two weeks ago, only to discover that I was now in Cambodia, where they do not sell pints of milk, much less newsagents from which to buy them.

I then returned home, and read Thomas More's Utopia, which, frankly, did nothing to cheer me up. I turned instead to Camus, with no noticeable improvement thus far.

I'll let you know how it goes. My absence from these pages for any prolonged period of time, would probably be a reasonable indication that it had gone badly.

Your friend in pain,

M Woods

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 12 Mar 17 01:50
Sparkly, purple and red, 'kackery', like yellow.

From General Discussion / The Houting
Posted 12 Mar 17 01:44
Dear 'Pope'

Absolutely flabbergasted that you should scribe the word 'menth', when, as everyone knows, you meant 'menthe'!

Note how poetic that was: meant menthe. Divine!

It has, by the way, come to my attention that you appear to be starting new threads for the express purpose of starting new threads, and no other. Please note that, from 1 September 2017, a charge of £5 will be made for each new thread started that NEEDN'T have been started, and that the discretion for this will lie with the editor, whoever he is.

You have been warned.

Emphatically yours,

Don Minestrone

From General Discussion / Appeal
Posted 12 Mar 17 01:30
Dear Mr Jaggedone,

I have no idea, Sir, about that which you are on about.

I am given to understand that you are an admirer of the musical combo hailing from Salford, known as The Fall, leader of which is the, some would say, genius, Mark Edward Smith. Were you aware, Sir, that on 5 March last - Mr Smith's birthday, no less - he was pronounced 'dead' by the BBC in a Twittering error? This was quickly rectified, but shows how 'fake news' is started.

Let that be a lesson to you.

Further, and since I am also given to understand that you have, for some time, resided in that most-liberal of capitals, Hamsterjam, I should like to enquire if you have read the Albert Camus story 'The Fall', which, I believe, is set in that very den of vice. If so, do you not see the connection, Sir?

I leave it with you.


E Quint

From News Discussion / Great Train Robber Ronnie Biggs Arrested After Attempting Another Great Train Robbery
Posted 11 Mar 17 04:24
Yes, I thought you'd see my point.

There's more to it than meets the eye, however. Let me go on - please.

I tried using some everyday words and phrases to make it feel like the sort of thing you might hear around the table in the pub, or, indeed, between two blokes talking over the table on a train. Hence:

"...on his way home."
"...a good criminal doesn't get sloppy overnight..."
"...he made straight for Norwich railway station."
"...without offering payment."
"...kicked ten barrels etc..."
"...just in time etc..."

And all that for a measly few hundred readers! "It's a good job I've got plenty of time to waste," he said, before keeling over and expiring.

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