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From General Discussion / Richard II Writes Advertising Copy For Camping Store
Posted 30 Mar 17 01:02
You should have left it. None of the thick bastards on here would have sussed it.

Including me!

Especially me!

From News Discussion / Bradley Wiggins Wins His Second Gold Medal Despite Getting A Puncture
Posted 30 Mar 17 00:59
You have to admire his determination!

From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 29 Mar 17 03:26

Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

I took a calculated risk that your moniker, "Monkey Woods," indicated your preference in animals.


the assumption you describe is incorrect. I hate ALL apes, including homo sapiens. The name 'Monkey Woods' is actually a clever anagrammatical adaptation of my real name, Moys Kenwood. I do hope that you will exercise discretion when contributing to these forums, to ensure that other, shall we say, less reputable readers do not become aquainted with this information.

Interestingly, 'Monkey Woods' is also a clever wotsit thingy of Donkey Wooms, a sanctuary I run, and yet another of 'Wonkey Moods', something I often find myself in.

To wrap up this tediousness, I would also tell you that Monkey Woods is a wooded area set between the fairways of the 10th and 13th fairways at the Royal Springhead Golf Course in Hull, where me and my mates would spend our childhood time awaiting the hooked or sliced tee shots of terrible golfers, before stealing their balls - no puns, please - with a view to selling them later for 'sweets money'.

Dear Victor,

I agree with you. The strange-sounding Pa-em is also one of my own particular favourites!

Well, since this morning, anyway.

Any solution to the 'horseback riding' conundrum?

Wendy Sokomo

From News Discussion / Obama Found To Have Terrible Disease
Posted 29 Mar 17 02:37
I don't want to appear snobbish, but I found humour sadly lacking here.

The concept of 'wit' seems, somehow, to have been lost on this writer, although, it has to be said, I have read only this example of his extensive collection.

The 'Strangelove' reference rescued it from the status of 'dogshit on my shoe', but narrowly.

Must try harder.

From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 28 Mar 17 11:11
Dear Sir,

As a resident of the wonderful country of Canadia, you may be able to answer a query I have about the English language as it is 'spoken' in our former colonies.

In England, horse enthusiasts often go horse-riding.

In the United States of America, this hobby is known as 'horseback riding'.

Can you explain, in not more than twenty words, the necessity for the word 'back' to be attached to the word 'horse', please?

Surely, there can reasonably be only one area of the horse that can be ridden! Or am I missing something?

Thanking you in advance,

Capt. Beevers Randall-Hopkirk

From General Discussion / 7 Years On
Posted 28 Mar 17 10:57
Look what just turned up, like the proverbial bad penny:

The Continuing Adventures Of Albert Twaddle

From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 28 Mar 17 01:39
What are the chances?! I DO have a horse! Please be good enough to contact me through the Spoofoffice, so that we can arrange a convenient time for your flogging.

From News Discussion / 'Year of the Pig' Sets Off Increased Muslim Outrage
Posted 28 Mar 17 01:06
'The Swine Of The Orient'.

I might put more of my stories in here. They get more views than they normally would.

From News Discussion / Olympic Diver Tom Daley In Danger Of Burn-out - He's Only 14!
Posted 28 Mar 17 01:01
Bloody kids! Who'd 'ave 'em?

From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 27 Mar 17 04:32

Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

For all I know, Monkey Woods could be a lurking anti-vivisectionist.

What's an 'anti-vivisectionist'?

I'm an anti-VivWestwoodist, if that's any good...

From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 26 Mar 17 11:24

Quote: victor nicholas

I understand your concern. We may have a chance to finish stuffing the specimen if Monkey volunteers to shred a hard copy of his oevre and donate it to the cause.

If you mean me, I'll do whatever I can to help in this project.

From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 25 Mar 17 00:25
Wensleydale: 'essentially Northern', serene location, exhibiting Yorkshire Dales and 'lovely England'.

From General Discussion / Appeal
Posted 19 Mar 17 01:58
I'm making no rash commitment. I'll think about it over the weekend.

From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 17 Mar 17 03:58
Yeah, I was struggling with the 'coordinates' thing for a while, but I think I've got it now!

A really lovely story! I hope there's more in his pipeline!

There certainly should be, after all this time!

Gladys Mickle, 92.

From General Discussion / Appeal
Posted 16 Mar 17 22:59
Hard Life In Country from the Room To Live album is a great song.

"Look at y'self as a man!
The valley rings with ice-cream vans
It's hard to live in the country"

From General Discussion / Brain Surgery
Posted 16 Mar 17 11:17
Seems like a logical step.

From General Discussion / Statues Made of Soil
Posted 16 Mar 17 00:34

Perhaps you could lend your assistance with regard to an enquiry I have on the subject of Hereward the Wake.

It is this: pronunciation of 'Hereward'.

I am confused as to whether I should be saying

1) 'Here' as in 'in this place', and therefore rhyming with those rwo things on the side of my head which enable me to decipher sound, or

2) 'Here' as in the word 'Hereford', the well-known English settlement whose football team were responsible for the 1972 FA Cup giantkilling defeat of Newcastle United.

Please advise.

In earnest,

Walther Mithy

From General Discussion / Appeal
Posted 16 Mar 17 00:17

A lovely song, to be sure!

" Temperance household, delivered, ran out, and phoned his wife in terror!"

Ah, the 80s! They were so ... eightyish.


Maud Wimpole

From General Discussion / 7 Years On
Posted 15 Mar 17 00:36
I can't remember what I was thinking when I writ it, but seem to recall a dossier DID go missing on a train. I suppose, it was easy to imagine the rest: an old man brought up under the 'old rules' sees it, decides to 'do the right thing', no matter what the consequences to himself etc etc.

I'll look for some more of this shit, seeing as you enjoyed it so much.

Here you go - another tale of Moral Instruction.

Lance Armstrong

And one from 'the other side of the fence':

Dubious Teacher

That's your lot. If you can't tell the difference between 'right' and 'wrong' now, I'm afraid I can't help you.

From News Discussion / Woman Spotted With 'Baby' Doll
Posted 15 Mar 17 00:21
There is absolutely nothing fictional about this story. I almost feel like a fraudster 'dressing it up' as a spoof. It actually happened, just the way I've written it. One day, I saw a couple pushing an expensive-looking pram through the plush Mahboonkrong (MBK) shopping centre, making a fuss of their 'child'. Other people started to gather around them, likewise fussing. The truth only dawned on me when a gap appeared, and I was able to see the plastic 'baby'.

Has anyone seen this kind of thing anywhere else?

From General Discussion / 7 Years On
Posted 14 Mar 17 00:52

Quote: Erskin Quint

There is a Mr Dick in David Copperfield. He likes flying his kite.

There is a 'Dick' in 'Dickens'. According to sauces, he liked 'baiting his master'.

Just sayin'.

Do you like old people?

Albert Twaddle

Actually, 9 years on.

From General Discussion / The Houting
Posted 14 Mar 17 00:38
Ah, yes! The salty sea air cleansing your nostrils! The sun beating down on the wide, golden sands! The cooling breeze blowing gently over the clifftops, wafting the aroma of fish 'n' chips through the town centre, alive with excited families enjoying a day at the seaside! Ice-cream, candy floss!

And the bingo, discarded chip wrappings and dog shit.

Y'can't beat Brid, chuck!

Elsie Weighnowt

From General Discussion / Eithiopian Rubbish Landslide Kills 48
Posted 13 Mar 17 01:57

I should like it known that, after having read this disgraceful and completely tasteless threadlet, I shall be cancelling my subscription to your publication forthwith.

Are you happy now?

Mrs Adele Hickspiss

From General Discussion / The Houting
Posted 13 Mar 17 01:48

Quote: Erskin Quint

I bet you're a protestant.

Well, I do protest a lot.

As for religion, don't get me started, your Popeship!

By the way, you have a Popemobile. Do you have a Popeship, you know, for those intercontinental 'holidays' when you want to stretch out and relax on deck, before addressing your millions of cheering fans?

From General Discussion / 7 Years On
Posted 12 Mar 17 06:18
Are there any Philip K. Dick readers out there?

I would like to discuss this, as part of my '7 Years On' series.

Philip K. Dick: A Glaring Omission, I Believe


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