All times are GMT

Forum Home / Forum posts by Monkey Woods


209 Pages - « 1 2 [3] 4 5 » »»
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 10 Apr 17 03:35
Message
"Too old, officer?"

 
From News Discussion / New Drug to Help Sufferers of Movie Quote Dementia Introduced by Pfizer
Posted 10 Apr 17 03:32
Message
Is Mark Lowton dead?

I ask this non-sinisterly-meant question because, in days gone by, the word Pfizer - particularly in a headline - would have got no further than that keen-eyed cross-dressing pedant, before he had sent a Message of Doom to the writer, informing him or, in this case, her, that the story was unsuitable for publication on TheSpoof.com, having transgressed certain standards which must, I say, MUST be upheld.

Here, however, the story seems to have flown through Approvals, and straight into the media glare, waving 'Sue me!' flags to the Pfizer lawyers. Oh well, he gets ad money now, so I suppose he can afford not to worry about multi-million dollar lawsuits.

1 thumb for me. Maybe I'll give it another one tomorrow. I'll see how I feel.

Best wishes,

Percy Ramrod
Cornwall

 
From News Discussion / Homo Sapiens Continue to Bludgeon Neanderthals
Posted 10 Apr 17 03:21
Message
Victure,

Did he also have a hanky on his head, with the four corners tied in knots? If so, I know him.

Where was this, exactly? And how do you know they were from Birmingham? You will excuse me casting doubt on your claim, but the problem, as I see it, is, if you had asked them:

"Where are you from, gentlemen?"

and those very fine 'vacationing' gentlemen had responded using 'sounds' issued from their mouths, YOU COULD NOT POSSIBLY HAVE UNDERSTOOD THEM, the Birmingham accent being unintelligible to all but people who live in that city.If you doubt my word, even for an instant, please refer yourself to a site on the internet that can demonstrate its unintelligibleness, and you will see what I mean.

Further, the red socks, if BOTH were red, indicates that the wearer had uncannily assured self-dressing ability. Rarely can an Englishman dress himself in two socks of the same colour, and you are a fortunate man, indeed, to have witnessed this.

Love,

Woody Mekons
Leeds

 
From News Discussion / Homo Sapiens Continue to Bludgeon Neanderthals
Posted 9 Apr 17 09:52
Message
Dear Doc (that's Vic!),

Preparation CAN involve imbibing oneself with large quantities of 'pop', but not in my case. Instead, I like to assume FULL KIT WANKER status by dressing in the team's kit of black-and-amber-striped shirt, black shorts and black socks. For authenticity, I also wear football boots, though this can be hazardous, particularly when going up or down the stairs, or to the bathroom, which, with its tiled floor, can be difficult to negotiate.

I hope this answers your query.




Quote: Jaggedone

Dear EQ, I fail to see where I would be without your utter madness invading my ageing grey cells...

Six books, an EQ trilogy, plus various other literary gems less...

I stand stoned like a toppled statue of Lenin or swinging effigy of Mussolini in awe at your brilliance...


Is any further evidence needed of this twisted, torrid 'love affair?

Both of you should be ashamed! Of yourselves, and each other!

 
From News Discussion / Homo Sapiens Continue to Bludgeon Neanderthals
Posted 7 Apr 17 23:45
Message
Dear Vick,

I am shocked, not to say 'astounded', at your friend's way of marking papers, and have to say, it reinforces my belief in the quality of our education systems, when I hear that our educators are willing to put in as much effort into grading as she did. She deserves a slap on the back, another one across the face, and yet one more across her bottom - if she's pretty, that is!

(Did you see how I cleverly 'skated around' Erskin's post? I didn't understand all that 'legal jargon' he used!)

Anyway, it's Saturday (well, it is HERE), and that's football day, so I must go and prepare.

Manchester City v. Hull City. A game we could do to win, but probably won't. Ah, the cut and thrust of the beautiful game! The atmosphere - unless it's at Rochdale! The goals - unless it's 0-0. The excitement - unless you're stood in pouring rain on a Tuesday night in Carlisle. In January. Well...er...the beautiful game!

Lovingly yours,

Monkeykins

 
From News Discussion / Shannon Matthews' Mum Arrested For Being A Slapper
Posted 7 Apr 17 00:46
Message
Somehow - probably due to inadvertence - this appeared in my Most Read list. At number 4, should you be interested.

 
From News Discussion / Homo Sapiens Continue to Bludgeon Neanderthals
Posted 7 Apr 17 00:41
Message
Vic, mate,

What's that long word beginning with 'v' mean?

Is it like 'very similar'?

Anyway, I gave your story 5 thumbs, regardless of how slapdashly it was presented.

Must try harder.

MW/MK/DW/WM/WS/MM/FB
Spoof Towers
Lancaster

 
From News Discussion / Homo Sapiens Continue to Bludgeon Neanderthals
Posted 6 Apr 17 15:18
Message
Is this Fake News?

Also, I have a question:

Why, do you suppose, there were 52,000 murders, but only 23,000 skull fractures? Surely, one would be more likely to be injured than be killed outright. Isn't that right, Mummy?

You see, Vic, that's the kind of glaring mistake that cannot be 'got past' someone as eagle-eyed as Detective Inspector Moys Kenwood. It's why I am who I am. I didn't get where I am today without noticing 'discrepancies' such as this one.

Let that be a lesson!

Love,

DI Kenwood
Pigs

 
From News Discussion / Man converts mailbox into recycle bin
Posted 6 Apr 17 15:07
Message
Cher Vic,

Is that so? Hmmm. Then it appears I have an apology to make. I'll put a note in my 'diary', and get around to it when I can be bothered.

I do not know if the good news has reached you in the Tropics yet, but that fine, upstanding group of men, Hull City, climbed out of the relegation zone last night with a 4-2 victory over fellow strugglers, Middlesbrough.

Let that be a lesson to you!

Regards! ("Look!" in some parts of Canadia)

Chopper Harris
Chelsea

 
From General Discussion / Horse Latitudes
Posted 5 Apr 17 04:31
Message
Seriously, this track spoils the album for me.

Well, I'm allowed an opinion, aren't I?

 
From General Discussion / Heart of Darkness
Posted 5 Apr 17 04:29
Message

Quote: victor nicholas

I read Robinson Crusoe twice when I was a boy, both times while having a fever.

Robinson was struck by a fever in the novel as well as I recall but I may have just imagined that.


Dearest Victoria,

Is it possible that:

A. Your first fever was the same type as your second fever?

B. Your second fever was the same type as Crusoe's fever?

C. Crusoe's fever was the same type as your first fever?

D. You are a closet homosexual, looking for your very own 'Man Friday'?

You are under absolutely NO OBLIGATION to select any of these answers, but your failure to do so would suggest that you had something to hide.

Hope this helps.

Your friend, although not THAT kind of 'friend',

Ken Moywoods
Easter Island

 
From General Discussion / Heart of Darkness
Posted 5 Apr 17 04:13
Message

Quote: Erskin Quint

Why read it twice?




Sir,

In response to your enquiry above, I should ask you to choose an answer from this selection:

A. I heard that it had to be read twice before any sense could be made of it.

B. Having paid 30p for it from a charity shop in Wolerhampton, I was determined to get my money's worth.

C. I'd forgotten that I'd previously read it, and only remembered when I reached the last page, upon which I'd written: "Never read this shit again!"

D. It was an accident; I slipped.


I believe, Sir, the roly-poly American Private Investigator, Frank Cannon, was 'played' by the roly-poly American actor, William Conrad. I thought it might just be possible that the aforementioned shit book author was the grandfather of the shit actor.

As you are aware, shit runs in families.

Obligingly yours,

Connie Contempt
Congo

 
From News Discussion / Obama Found To Have Terrible Disease
Posted 4 Apr 17 15:07
Message
Dear 'Q',

Your assessment is correct. I have already notified our operatives in Shirey's locale to 'move in', and deal with the situation.

Please be aware that, at this stage, their recall is not possible.

Grin and bear it.

For HM Queen Elizabeth,

M Woods (0011)
Cognito


 
From News Discussion / Man converts mailbox into recycle bin
Posted 4 Apr 17 14:58
Message
Why, that's amazing! Not to say, uncanny!

Wait a minute, Victorio! Do you, Sir, have authorised access to my Prison Personel File, most of which I shredded?

Your letter was word-for-word exactly what I writted, apart from my 'misdemeaour' had the 'u' in it, as it should have.

Still, your intelligence seems to go deep. You are obviously closely conected with those in authority in the UK Prison system. I congratulate you, and I salute you.

Indeed, to save time and space, I congratulate and salute you.

Sincerely yours,

Nicholas Victorson
Suwanee Housing Estate
Catford

 
From News Discussion / Man converts mailbox into recycle bin
Posted 4 Apr 17 14:57
Message

Quote: Erskin Quint

Dear Mr Monkey,

please note that the correct title of the book by Thomas De Quincey is Confessions of an English Opium-Eater.

I feel that I must perforce point this out




Dearest Mr Quint,

Sir, it is people like you, who give people like me a bad name.

I am, however, in your debt, and 'thank' you for pointing out my abbreviation of the Tommus Der Quintey NOVEL. I shall endeavour (endeavor, for Canadians) to do better next time.

J von Ribbentrop
84 Charing Cross Road

 
From General Discussion / Heart of Darkness
Posted 4 Apr 17 14:13
Message
Sir,

I have read Heart Of Darkness twice, and unenjoyed it both times.

Is there something wrong with me, or is it really just a load of shit?

His 'sea-theme' books are worse, in my opinion. Do I need help?

Yours,

B. Butlin
Skegness

PS. Was the author Frank Cannon's grandfather?

 
From News Discussion / Andy Murray Wary Of Opponent With So Many 'O's In His Name
Posted 3 Apr 17 13:22
Message
Soon be Wimbledon again.

Three 'o's.

 
From News Discussion / Man converts mailbox into recycle bin
Posted 3 Apr 17 04:37
Message

Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

you have to be able to sleep while standing. Still interested?




Rather! Where's the application form? I expect rfreed will send me it. So excited!


Dear Vicky,

I did not 'escape' from the Prison Service in the interesting way you might have imagined. Indeed, it was relatively mundane. I spent four months on sick with 'depression' whilst I made my mind up whether to leave or not, then I told them I was ready to return to work. On my first day back, I asked to see my Personnel File, and, foolishly, they left me alone in a room with it. Also in this room, just happened to be The Paper Shredder. I selected what I wanted, (or rather, what I didn.'t want THEM to have!), then got busy.

When I had finished, I handed the now-much-thinner Personnel File back, with my pre-prepared resignation letter, and sat down at a desk to complete my period of notice. I read the Thomas de Quincey book Confessions Of An Opium-eater as the days wore on; obviously, I wasn't going to spend this useful 'notice period' doing anything as insensible as work! What do you think I am, Sir!?

No tunnels, no rope-ladders, no boiler suits, I'm afraid.

Terrible place to work.

And you, Vicky? Any decent work-related stories to tell?





 
From News Discussion / Man converts mailbox into recycle bin
Posted 3 Apr 17 01:48
Message
Sounds great! When can I start?

Of course, I speak from the perspective of somebody who spent seven years working at the Department of Social Security, and then a further seven 'employed' in HM Prison Service. I finally escaped the Civil Service, but I still bear the scars.

About this PO gig - when would be the best time to apply? Are positions open to non-US citizens? Is it really as laid-back as you mentioned? Promise?

Oh, I'm really excited about this opportunity!

C. Boocowskee
Aintree


 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 2 Apr 17 04:17
Message
Demiurges: essentially 'masters in universe regulation', God's 'engineers supreme'.

 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 2 Apr 17 04:01
Message
Dear Doctor,

I have the space, but lack the inclination.



However, er, hmmm...does it smell of anything?

Not that it makes any difference, but I have a friend who might like it.

Yours sinisterly

Ron Purve
Lothian


 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 1 Apr 17 01:43
Message
Dear VicNick,

Is it OK to call you VicNick? Or 'Nicky'? I feel like I almost 'know' you, and I think it's so very 'stiff' to have to address you with 'Mr Nicholas'. We are all comrades after all, are we not?

Nicky, I am afraid that, despite our friendship, I have to declare that I can think of nothing less interesting than the Northern Cities Vowel Shift that you so lovingly describe. Plus, I don't like circles. Have they any diagrams with squares.

In friendship,

Jim Tetrahedron
Anglesey

 
From General Discussion / Would Saran Wrap Burqas Satisfy Security Concerns
Posted 1 Apr 17 01:23
Message
Dear Doctor,

if you really ARE a doctor, that is, about which I have serious reservations.

I suspect the clothing you describe would indeed satisfy the security services. Despite this, I do not think they would be popular with the buying public, and do not expect to see them on the rails at Top Shop or Marks & Spencer anytime soon.

Madeleine Crotch
Crinkly Bottom

 
From News Discussion / Kim Kardashian Is Getting Old
Posted 31 Mar 17 02:57
Message
Dear Mr Nicholas,

Thank you for your interesting update on the Crucifixion of the English Language.

I have taken note.

In this respect, however, a further question arises: if 'buses' has become 'bosses', what has 'bosses' become?

This is important, as I may have to address a contingent of transport managers in the near future, and I should hate to feel archaic.

Regards (in French, "look!")

Walther P. P. Kaye
James Bond Island
Phi Phi


 
From General Discussion / Richard II Writes Advertising Copy For Camping Store
Posted 30 Mar 17 01:02
Message
You should have left it. None of the thick bastards on here would have sussed it.

Including me!


Especially me!

 
209 Pages - « 1 2 [3] 4 5 » »»
Any opinions expressed here are purely the opinions of the contributors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Spoof, its staff or the original writer of the spoof news/parody/satire story.

Go to top

Who is online?

There are no registered users currently online.

Profile Featured Writer

GProwler
GProwler
Joined: 16 July 2014
Stories Written: 18
99 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more