Forum Home / Login / Register

All times are GMT

Forum Home / Forum posts by Mark


58 Pages - « 1 2 [3] 4 5 » »»
From News Discussion / Lempit Opik to give Donald Trump careers advice
Posted 16 Feb 18 09:07
Message
Did you see that video of him teabagging David Cameron in those crotchless gold hotpants?

Very cheeky.

 
From News Discussion / Lempit Opik to give Donald Trump careers advice
Posted 14 Feb 18 11:33
Message
I found this on Wikipedia.

Lempit Opik (1879-1930) was a manufacturer of biscuits from the German city of Ausberg in south-west Bavaria. Son of Lemartz Opik, the inventor of the cheese grater, and his African-born mother Pitah, Lempit takes his name as a compound of the first syllables of his parents, as is the tradition in Germany.

His father, a Frenchman by birth, was determined his son should have access to the high-quality education he was denied in his youth in France. Accordingly, when Lempit was eight, he was apprenticed to McVitie's in Edinburgh, Scotland, where he learned the classics. Namely, flour, butter and sugar. Lempit excelled in all aspects of biscuit manufacture and, at the age of 13, he invented the digestive biscuit, but his recipe was stolen by a man who would go on to become his arch-enemy, Alexander Grant.

On his father's death in 1895, the young Opik left McVitie's and returned to his native home. With the inheritance from his father's cheese grater legacy, Lempit set up his own biscuit manufacturing plant in Bavaria. Enjoying only moderate success in his lifetime, Lempit was beset with industrial saboteurs and many of his original inventions, including the Fig Roll and Jaffa Cake, were stolen before he could profit by them.

This all culminated, when, at the age of 51, Lempit was found murdered in his office. He had been working on a secret recipe for a new product made of two chocolate biscuits, sandwiched with chocolate cream, and then covered in milk chocolate. Opik had named the new biscuit a Reticulated Giraffe (in his native German, Netzgiraffe), after his mother's favourite animal. Product development was well underway with packaging designs featuring beautiful pictures of proud reticulated giraffes in the wild, and even a marketing slogan, "Nimm einen Netzgiraffe" (Pick up a reticulated giraffe).

Investigations into Opik's death centred around a young apprentice at Lempit's biscuit factory, a Scotsman from Glasgow named William McDonald. McDonald had worked closely with Opik during his apprenticeship and was the last man to see Lempit alive, but no conclusive evidence could be found to link McDonald with Opik's death.

Soon after the killing, McDonald went back to Glasgow and set up his own biscuit firm with funding from Sir Alexander Grant. From 1932, McDonald began production of the famous Penguin biscuit.

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 14 Feb 18 09:38
Message
Everywhere, "visited" earthlings raucously yowl when hoaxes evoke returning extraterrestrials

 
From General Discussion / Elon Musk
Posted 12 Feb 18 20:49
Message
Elon Musk - is that what an Ewok smells like?

 
From General Discussion / Elon Musk
Posted 12 Feb 18 20:48
Message
You'll have to speak up sonny, my hearing ain't what it used to be.

Those damned kids these days. Etc.

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 9 Feb 18 09:17
Message
Stink toxins improve noxious ketchup

 
From Magazine Discussion / The Door Of Opportunity Hangs On Small Hinges
Posted 8 Feb 18 09:12
Message
Nutty butter, with inexplicable sweetcorn.

 
From General Discussion / Elon Musk
Posted 8 Feb 18 08:52
Message
How about Sunk Mole?

Notes of a childhood stroll by the riverbank with hints of wet rat.

 
From General Discussion / Elon Musk
Posted 7 Feb 18 08:48
Message
Falcon Stank

 
From General Discussion / Falcon heavy rocket
Posted 6 Feb 18 21:11
Message
Did anyone else see the launch? It was awesome how the boosters just plonked themselves back down on the landing pads.

And the name is great.

 
From General Discussion / Gilgamesh
Posted 6 Feb 18 21:09
Message
And a bikini wax.

 
From News Discussion / Hillary Clinton Named Proper President of United States
Posted 6 Feb 18 09:07
Message

Quote: Erskin Quint

I lost the will to live somewhere between Chappaqua and cheeseburger.


Elvis tells the same, same story.

 
From Magazine Discussion / The Door Of Opportunity Hangs On Small Hinges
Posted 6 Feb 18 09:06
Message
In a way, me too.

I was always curious but afraid to ask. Firstly the why, but secondly the how.

 
From General Discussion / Gilgamesh
Posted 6 Feb 18 09:04
Message
I thought you meant Gargamel for a second.

AZRAEL!!! I'll never defeat those miserable vile little Smurfs!

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 5 Feb 18 16:06
Message
Stench that essayists not charting honestly

Sorry about that error MW, I have corrected it - thanks for letting me know!

 
From Magazine Discussion / The Door Of Opportunity Hangs On Small Hinges
Posted 5 Feb 18 09:58
Message
Mine's bigger

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 5 Feb 18 08:59
Message
Necromancy ever causes ruction over magical ability, notwithstanding charlatan yeasayers.

 
From General Discussion / Acronyms
Posted 4 Feb 18 17:14
Message
Nymphs yanked my phallus hard, Susan.

 
From Magazine Discussion / The Door Of Opportunity Hangs On Small Hinges
Posted 4 Feb 18 09:32
Message
Yeah, it's a spammer trying to spam their spammy wares. Some kind of "we'll write your homework/college assignments for you" service.

Think I should bin it?

 
From Magazine Discussion / Silver Bells and a Derringer
Posted 2 Feb 18 15:55
Message
Here's something I didn't realise - the comments for magazine articles has been broken for nearly 3 years

Sorry about that!

This story was chilling

 
From General Discussion / You couldn't make it up
Posted 11 Jan 18 16:49
Message
This story sounds so familiar, when I read it, I thought I was reading The Spoof.

BBC News: Black pudding saves butcher trapped in freezer

A butcher who became trapped in a walk-in freezer escaped thanks to a frozen black pudding.

He said: "It was the right shape. I used it like the police use battering rams to break door locks in. It was solid, pointed and I could get plenty of weight behind it.

"I'm lucky really. We sell about two or three each week and that was the last one in there."

 
From General Discussion / Coprophilia in awful Christmas songs
Posted 1 Dec 17 14:40
Message
Silent shi... On second thoughts, no. It just wouldn't make sense as a Christmas song. Not with all the sprouts.

 
From General Discussion / Count Arthur Strong
Posted 4 Oct 17 08:23
Message

Quote: Erskin Quint

Yes I agree the Radio Show is the best format. The TV version didn't work. Realism ruins it.


And the hammy, slapstick acting. At least on the radio, it's not a distraction

 
From General Discussion / Count Arthur Strong
Posted 29 Sep 17 07:59
Message
If you haven't already, check out the radio show. I prefer it to the live acting.

 
From General Discussion / Merry Christmas everyone!
Posted 24 Dec 15 09:28
Message
Hi all,

Just wanted to drop a line to say Merry Christmas to all spoofers out there.

I wish you all a happy time over the festive period with family and friends.

My fondest well wishes go out to any of you who may be affected by the spate of bad weather that's continuing in Cumbria, and to any of you who may be involved in the severe storms I've seen in the news which are hitting the south and mid-west US.

With warmest regards,

Mark

 
58 Pages - « 1 2 [3] 4 5 » »»
Any opinions expressed here are purely the opinions of the contributors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Spoof, its staff or the original writer of the spoof news/parody/satire story.

Go to top

Who is online?

There is 1 registered user currently online: none are active , 1 is currently inactive .

Users online:

Featured writer
Barwood
Joined: 15 January 2006
Stories Written: 32
Go to top
59 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more